my heart has never felt like this before.

i want to be somewhere where you are.

your beautiful eyes.

and sometimes i think of you late at night;
i don't know why.

the lights of my hometown.

i think i maybe need to get some rest. i wasn't feeling well today.
i think i'll have some strawberries and yogurt and read some of mussolini's son's biography.
and get some rest.

smearing the ink and the love always.

and the fact sunshine has been on my mind so much lately is not freaking cool. i hate it. i hate that still, after all this time he has like this hold over my heart. everyday i think about him, every song i hear reminds me of him and most of the time i just forget about it and think about how much better off i am. i just don't understand how it could happen like this. i don't know, this is what i wanted; so how come it's still so hard.
everyone has been asking me about him lately, or telling me we really do belong together. i don't really know how to respond to that. we aren't together, we never were. i was just always his, but he was never mine. and people don't realize that. i really do love him and i'm sure i always will. i needed my space and i really like that he isn't the one making the decisions in my head; but i still find myself wondering what he'd think of it. and i want that feeling, the 'what will sunshine think, what would sunshine do, or say' i want that feeling to go away.
i guess i'm just ready to have someone that makes me feel that way; perhaps someone to give me butterflies that isn't his best friend? nobody sees this part of me, how much i miss him, how much better off i am. they just look at me and wonder how the hell him and i aren't together.
we aren't. and i'm okay with that.
i just want to find someone, some day. i need to know i can feel that again. that moving on was worth it, that i shouldn't have waited for him to be ready. i just need to know it was for something; that it meant something.

what you do to my heart just makes me mad.

i know i should have said goodbye in person;
i just want to remember you always smiling.

i'm not ready.

i just really need to know that she's going to be okay. that i'm going to get to hold her more times than i can count and that i'm going to get to watch her grow. that i'm going to get to teach her all the things her momma doesn't want her to know. that i get to give her boy advice because i'm younger, and i'll remember better.
i just want her to be able to see and know how much i love her.

barely breathing.

and i'm really worried. really, really worried. and being an hour and a half away just isn't fair to do this. it's not fair to send me a picture of her all attached to tubes and wondering if she's okay. i can't study because i'm worried. but i can't worry because i'm stressing about how much i need to study. and i'm so worried because i want number 12 to just come hold me in his arms. and i'm such a horrible person for that. i don't want to be with him i just don't want to let him out of my life either. i'm not ready. i need someone to just tell me she's gonna be okay. and that i am not the worst person in life because i'm not ready to lose another person i really care about. and that i'll be able to finish all my homework. and that it's okay for me to cry.

tears smear ink.

mess=me.
i'm such a mess. stressing almost for the sheer sake of stressing. i have so much to do. march is so sucky because there is always a lot of homework, always. and there is like 8 million birthdays and i just can't keep track of it all. i can't follow. i just want to breathe again.

i guess everybody has their breaking point.

i feel bad that i can stand here strong, cold as stone,
seems so wrong; i can't explain it. maybe it's just i've cried so much;
i'm tired and i'm numb, baby i hate it.
i feel bad, that i don't feel bad.

love.love.love.

i have so much to say but no energy to write.

beautiful girl.

have you ever held a brand new baby? it's probably the most amazing thing in life. i have learned that everything about pregnancy and childbirth is beyond disgusting and painful and i like don't want to even have sex because of the chance that you can get pregnant despite safe sex practices. it's so gross and makes me realize how much i am NOT ready for children or to be a mom and that girls who are 18 and think they are are absolutely bonkers. however, it's probably the most amazing ting i've ever held. it really is a miracle, life that is.
she's a beautiful girl.

sarah monee.

ps. i'm an auntie yaaaay.
and i called it, saturday. silly girl would be born right as duke began playing unc. you really love your daddy and i don't ya.

i missed it.

it's been interesting to say the least.

i believe they call this exhaustion.

5 days, 11 hours of driving alone, 1200km, like maybe 20 hours of sleep.
i am so freaking tired.

closet sluts. hahahaha

s, you make my day sometimes. like today for example. as i catch up on your blog from the never ending weekend, you're hilarious.
just thought you'd like to know.