and the fact sunshine has been on my mind so much lately is not freaking cool. i hate it. i hate that still, after all this time he has like this hold over my heart. everyday i think about him, every song i hear reminds me of him and most of the time i just forget about it and think about how much better off i am. i just don't understand how it could happen like this. i don't know, this is what i wanted; so how come it's still so hard.
everyone has been asking me about him lately, or telling me we really do belong together. i don't really know how to respond to that. we aren't together, we never were. i was just always his, but he was never mine. and people don't realize that. i really do love him and i'm sure i always will. i needed my space and i really like that he isn't the one making the decisions in my head; but i still find myself wondering what he'd think of it. and i want that feeling, the 'what will sunshine think, what would sunshine do, or say' i want that feeling to go away.
i guess i'm just ready to have someone that makes me feel that way; perhaps someone to give me butterflies that isn't his best friend? nobody sees this part of me, how much i miss him, how much better off i am. they just look at me and wonder how the hell him and i aren't together.
we aren't. and i'm okay with that.
i just want to find someone, some day. i need to know i can feel that again. that moving on was worth it, that i shouldn't have waited for him to be ready. i just need to know it was for something; that it meant something.
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