no shortage of rocks.

"the brook would lose its song if you took away the rocks."

not knowing still scares me.

"you know what i think we are most afraid of? not knowing. not knowing whether it's all really worth it. not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. it's like when you're little and you touch the stove and get burned, because you didn't know that it was hot. not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning."

Are you happy right now?

Not really, no. Happiness is a condition, not a destination. It is fleeting. and my happiness has definitely taken a vacation.

i remember the feeling, the magic.

don't know if it was you or me,
different roads or different dreams;
all i know is someone said goodbye.
maybe we weren't ready yet,
to let go of our innocence;
i guess we'll never know the reason why.

i remember the music.

"To be inside that music, to be drawn into the circle of its repetitions: perhaps that is a place where one could finally disappear."

- Paul Auster, City of Glass

utopia is nowhere.

 "Unlike the other writers on the subject, Dark did not assume paradise to be a place that could be discovered. There were no maps that could lead a man to it, no instruments of navigation that could guide a man to its shores. Rather, its existence was immanent within man himself: the idea of a beyond he might someday create in the here and now. For utopia was nowhere-- even, as Dark explained, in its "wordhood." And if man could bring forth this dreamed-of place, it would only be by building it with his own two hands."

-Paul Auster, City of Glass

twelve.

it's always going to be there, isn't it;
you and me.

epitome of my heart.

"I love you. I think I have since the day we met. But today it struck me that the greatest act of love is sacrifice. That's what Keith did for your mom. He denied his feelings for her all those years so that he could be a good friend to her. And as much as it's going to suck, I'm willing to do that for you. If that will make you truly happy then I'll do it, because I want you to be happy more than anything in the world."

sports.

"when i watch a game, it reminds me that we all have greatness inside of us. you know, on any given day an underdog can rise up, it gives me hope."

feel this, can you feel this?

"If you wanted to break my heart, there was a thousand ways to do it. But you didn't have to propose to Lindsey to hurt me. No! Don't marry her Luke! Am I crazy? Do you not feel what I have felt every day for the last three years that we have been apart? 'Cause I have felt that there's a vital piece of me that's missing. And I tried to fill it Luke, I tried to fill it with work and friends and music; it stayed empty until last night when you kissed me and my entire universe snapped back into focus. Lucas look me in the eye and tell me that kiss didn't feel exactly the same as it did three years ago..."

you are my priority.

looks like you weren't the one with the mixed up priorities.

please remember me.

you make sure that they remember, forever,
the night that they played the titans.

prospective new tattoo.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

i wish you were here.

i'm pretty sure i'm the only university student in the world that didn't go out last night. i did some homework and was out cold at like 10:30. what a night.

t.h.white.

perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically--
to those who hardly think about us in return.

what happened to me.

i just wanna feel okay again.

you have pointed out my flaws again as if i don't already seem them.

you have knocked me off my feet again,
'got me feeling like i'm nothing.

i think sometimes you forget where the heart is.

is it all that you want it to be?
does it hurt when you think about me
and how broken my heart is?

mott's fruitsations.

so right now i am eating a peach, mango, apple fruitsation and it it debatably the most incredible thing i've ever eaten. like so delicious. we always give them to princess s and so i knew they were pretty good for you but it's even better than i thought. like it is 50 calories for a little fruit sauce (think applesauce) cup. and they are so yummy with no added color or flavor. isn't that great?! and you can get them at costco for like 24 for 8 bucks. wonderful. so excited.

if you asked me if i loved him, i'd tell you.

first thought when i wake up is my God, he's beautiful.
so i put on my makeup, pray for a miracle.

i wanted you to fight for me.

tonight we'll stand, get off our knees,
fight for what we worked for all these years
the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives
but we'll stand up champions tonight.

it's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair.

i believe in whatever you do and i'll do anything to see it through
because these things will change, i can feel it now.
these walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down.
it's a revolution, the time will come for us to finally win.

i believe in whatever you do.

you know it's all the same.
another time and place,
repeating history and you're getting sick of it.

i don't need you but i do, i do, i do.

you don't have to call me and say you're sorry,
i'm already gone.
you don't have to call me and break my heart,
each time i try moving on.

that's the way i loved you.

and you were wild and crazy,
just so frusterating, intoxicating, complicated,
got away by some mistake.

got away by some mistake.

he can't see the smile i'm faking
and my heart's not breaking 'cause
i'm not feeling anything at all.

being alone isn't the same as being lonely.

i just feel so alone.

i don't know what to say since the twist of fate when it all broke down.

and i'm dying to know if it's killing you like it's killing me.

fate loves the fearless.

tc's little brother r got that tattooed on his chest.
i absolutely adore it.

natural beauty.

she is so absolutely naturally beautiful.

you can tell hollywood never changed her

which is i think a huge part of her appeal.

plus she looks the same only more confident

than she did in laguna beach (highschool).

that is true beauty. 

beauty and the beast.

i think she is one of the most gorgeous women in the world.

(obviously justin bobby = the beast)

kristin cavallari, also a knockout.

hey stephen coletti, you're sexy.

hey stephen i could give you fifty reasons

why i should be the one you choose.

all those other girls well they're beautiful,

but would they write a song for you?

i recently learned...

i recently learned that david foster is brody jenner's stepfather. and brody jenner's real father bruce jenner married the kardashian mother after her first husband (lawyer in oj simpson case) and her were not together. crazy. that means that brody and kim are distantly related. weird.

it's a preeeetttyyyy recognizable signature.

i'm currently in bed watching never been kissed and i just burst out laughing because i forgot that john c. reilly used to play parts in serious movies like this one and chicago, etc. when i think of him, i usually think will ferrell and talledaga nights and most importantly/funniest step brothers.

number 12, as always.

n and i also talked about number twelve today. it's sometimes hard to hang out with her because he's her brother and it's natural to talk about her family. but it sometimes makes me sad. i wonder how he's doing and she wants to help but she knows she just kind of has to let it work out. she knows how him and i are and she knows i want only good things for him. i think she's doing a good job to keep the line between me being her friend and him being her brother. they aren't overly close, they don't talk about real things and she's come to accept that's just how he is. but it's hard because she talks about her mom and i just think to myself i want to be in that family. i love them, they're so wonderful and i fell in love with their son/brother. i mean isn't that the dream? to thoroughly enjoy the family of the boy you're in love with. i don't know i suppose i just miss him. it's been a week since we've spoken. it's hard but i know it's just what we both need right now. if you love someone set them free right?

catwalk.

also, i booked a hair appointment today at this salon in la. it's so hard to get an appointment with the guy i want to go to that he usually books appointments three months in advance. crazy hey? but i've been wanting to try a new hair stylist for awhile because mine has been doing the same thing to my hair and quite frankly, i'm tired of having a dark mullet. so anyways i got into this guy on march 9 which is only 5 weeks away. he's a gay guy and he owns the salon with his husband and i'm so excited because his favorite thing to do and his specialty is transformations. and that's exactly what i plan to do. completely transform my hair into something new so i feel different and refreshed and hopefully it'll give me a little self confidence boost. any ideas for what i should get done?

opening up to new people.

later today i was studying with number twelve's sister n. and we usually have like really good conversations. like how her mom is like the greatest person to ever live (i swear you meet a good person then you me momma number twelve and everything you've ever known about a good person is blown out of the water by her incredibleness). n has been increasingly unhappy in her relationship (in my opinion it's not surprising because ss is a complete douchebag who wants her to be his trophy wife that he controls and she never questions anything) so we started talking about that. and n is very, very conservative about sex which is the complete opposite of number twelve. in fact i don't think i've ever heard her talk about it other than she's uncomfortable with it being a public conversation but today we got into the discussion of sex and whatever. and it was a good discussion. and then i realized, oh f, this is number twelve's sister. i'm sure she this is awkward for her. so i apologized and she laughed and said don't worry, i try to pretend he's not my brother when we talk about you and his relationships. it's really good. she's really nice to talk to because somehow i open up to her and i just trust her. maybe it's because i love and trust her brother so much that it's an innate reaction but i really like hanging out with her.

you are the reason men and women are not equal.

so first order of business is my rant about uneducated people. if you are uneducated about a subject, keep your arrogant close-minded opinion to yourself. today we talked about feminism in my english class. our prof asked what we thought about feminism, and probably 75 percent of the class didn't put there hand up saying they were a feminist and the other 15 percent half ass raised their hands. the first comment i made was that feminism has a really negative stereotype because most people don't really know what it is and it is a subject most people are very uneducated about.
so this girl starts talking about how she doesn't believe in feminism but she believes in gender equality. in my head i'm thinking, "PARDON ME". what do you mean you don't believe in feminism but you believe in equalism? it is the same thing. being a feminist doesn't mean your some man-hating, hairy-legged lesbian. it means you believe that men and women should be equal.
then we proceed the discussion and she says she thinks that men and women are equal in today's society. again, PARDON?! examples were given of gender inequalities for a number of reasons, such as men are paid higher than women for the same jobs, gender inequalities in sports, a women in big business that's good at her job is considered a bitch whereas a man is just considered a great boss and especially in sexuality. women are sluts but it's completely okay for men to take control of their sexuality and objectify women.
still this girl said she didn't believe in feminism but she believed in equalism and that men and women are equal in society. and we don't need to learn about feminism.
i seriously almost got up and smacked in the hard, picture the v8 commercial. that's what i'd do. bonk her right square in the forehead and tell her to smarten up.

longgg day.

wednesdays are busy days and today was definitely an interesting one. i was at school for a good 11 and a half hours. night class kinda killed me but oh well what can ya do.

i believe in fairytales.

they were just fireflies to the untrained eye,
but i could always tell.

don't say yes, runaway now.

i know you wish it was me.

i don't wanna be anything other than me.

for any one tree hill fans,
brooke davis became brooke baker tonight.

waiting for forever.

why do it always have to be so hard?

weddings.

it was never really about her as a person, it was about knowing that somehow, somewhere out there, someone was my other half. and that's all that really mattered.

can you feel this?

what if i told you that innocence was yours?

it was you i was thinking of.

this is morning, it's when i spend the most
time thinking about what i've given up.

losing all faith.

well now that i've bawled for the last three hours i think i'll try watching the princess and the frog in bed. i washed my blankie so it'd be warm and same with my pjs. hopefully a princess movie will make me believe in something again.

i'm all alone and i need you now.

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind,
for me it happens all the time.

can't stop the hurt inside when love and hate collide.

without you one night alone, it's like a year without you baby;
do you have a heart of stone?

your name forever the name on my lips.

so i'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes and all that i know is i don't know how to be something you miss, i never thought we'd have a last kiss. i never imagined we'd end like this.

what if i can't?

we all want to figure it out.

with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless.

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
it's about learning to dance in the rain."

dr.suess

"be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind. "

people make mistakes, even the people we love.

we're not perfect, any of us. we make mistakes, we screw up. but then we forgive and we move forward. honey, at least you have the courage to feel. you feel everything so deeply.

Valentine's Day.

"I know I let you down and maybe you don't think I deserve your forgiveness but you're going to give me it anyway. Because when you love someone you love all of them , that's the job. I'm so sorry and now please you've got to love everything about them. Not just the good things, the bad things too. The things you find lovable and the things you don't find lovable."

this is what i want.

"how'd you and your wife get it so right?"
"easy, i married my best friend."

devastation.

The way of love is not a subtle argument.
The door there is devastation.
You don't step into love, you fall, head over heels.