straight up.

i feel something for him.

conflicted.

is it wrong that i'm curious? that i want to know what it's like to be with someone else? that i want to know what else is out there? that i want to feel what it is to be with someone else?

what do you honestly think?

i honestly think that the two of you were done long ago and you are only together because that's what people expect of you. that's how it's supposed to be.

irony much?

he kissed me while we're both not single.

i think i made the wrong decision.

those are the words he said. "i think about it every day. i wonder if i should've never gone back to her. i would do it entirely different if i could do it over. i get really upset about it sometimes still."
well no shit your girlfriend cheated on you, then you took a break and she slept with two guys in a month. really? you think you should maybe not have taken her back?
that's not love.

a kiss?

what defines cheating?

history really does repeat itself.

so yesterday i worked at 6am then i went to mom's and she made me lunch and i had a nap. then i worked again and sofa king visited me. it was nuts i haven't seen him since i moved home for summer. so after work we planned to maybe go for a drink. i went for a long drive in the rain at 11 and waited for him. at midnight, we finally had a drink. (double grey goose soda is delicious by the way) so then we had this crazy chat about everything that's been going on and life and friends and just everything. i felt so much better because he apologized for being so silly and told me he missed me. then the pub was closing and he was like i'm not done talking.. let's go somewhere else. (did i mention he bought all my drinks? sweetheart.) so we tried to go a few places but pretty well everywhere was closed so we hit up billy's haha. we were really sweet and got a drink and sat a table in the corner and just kept talking. it was like we could never run out of things to talk about. so then the last song came on and he grabbed my hand and led me to the dancefloor. we danced to then by brad paisley. we finished our drinks and left. we sat in his truck for another half hour or so and just talked. then he dropped me off. he got out and gave me a big hug. then it happened. he kissed me. again. and i was speechless. i knew it was wrong but it just felt so right. then he opened my door, kissed me again and shut the door and waited till i left. prince charming right? wrong. he has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend.

finally.

yesterday was a really good day.

is it really complicated or do we make it complicated?

number 12 and i have been fighting a lot lately. it's starting to really take a toll on both of us. however some of the things we're fighting about are pretty justified, i think. being in a relationship is hard and with him trying to play hockey, most of his time is devoted to working out and getting in shape; so much so that he's leaving in a week to go trian in lethbridge with his sister's boyfriend who just happens to train nhl players. i don't know it just sucks because i work so much and he trains so much that we don't really see each other. and i get frustrated because the one day i want to go out in 3 months, he doesn't want to come with me. and i don't understand that. we don't do anything ever because we're both too tired so we just hang out with his family or my family or just us and relax. he doesn't drink ever anymore and i can't seem to figure out why. it's one thing to not go get trashed 6 days a week or even every weekend but to not have a glass of wine with the family every once in awhile is just really hard for me to comprehend. i suppose i'm starting to miss who he used to be. i mean i like who he is and his ambition and will to do soomething but i miss us doing things instead of staying home and being 'that couple' 7 nights a week. i don't need to drink i just want to do something.
and another thing that really gets me is that he is so frustrating. i don't ask for a lot, i'm not needy or controlling. but when i have a really bad day or i am so incredibly sick that i get sent home 20 minutes after i get to work, i want him to show me he cares. he tells me he cares but dear boy showing me you care is something else. when he doesn't even come see how i'm doing after he saw how sick i am, or when he hangs out with friends and can't even say hi oin his way home. it's little things that really bother me.
who knows though, maybe i'm just crazy.

ew.

so yesterday i went to a birthday party and she did this big extensive scavenger hunt. i ate chicken feet and dill pickle slug ice cream and i drank a prairie fire and some sort of toilet bowl cleaner tasting shot. i also bobbed for barbie parts in water. it was fun indefinitely. but disgusting.

hypochondria.

so i've been quite sick lately and i'm scared to go to the doctor because i wait until i'm so sick i can barely function... only the problem now is that if i told them everything that is wrong with me they would think i was either a lunatic or a hypochondriac. for example: what would you think if i told you i cannot sleep but i am always tired; my stomach is upset no matter what i eat and i've been trying to eat extremely healthy to try and trick my tummy into feeling better; i am achy alll the time.. you know when you get a bad flu and everything hurts all the time? yep thats how my body feels; i get extremely dizzy on a regular basis(ie. at least twice a day). i know there's more but i just can't seem to think of them right now.