she says she has no time.

i know what it's like to search for something more.
that's why i'm always running.

presidential.

i thought i knew you, but i guess it's easier to see what we want than to look for the truth. you think you know me but you don't. and that means you don't know what i can do. you see me as someone who's popular and has all the answers. that's not true. i may not always know what i'm doing, but i'll try to make things better. and when i make a mistake because face it, we all do. i promise i'll ask for your help. i can't do this alone. but if you'll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. i promise if you believe in me i'll find the courage to reach for your every dream.
john f. kennedy said, "the courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. a man does what he must in spite of personal consequences. in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures. and that it basis of all morality."

brace myself for the goodbye, cause it's all i've ever known.

so this is how it ends.
this is where it all goes down.
this is what i don't love you feels like.

my heart hurts.

i feel broken. plain and simple.

this is what i don't love you feels like.

"i don't know what i want".
"you either wanna be with me or you don't. it's not that hard."
"i don't know".

truth, bitter truth.

i've never felt so alone.

i swear this isn't who i'm meant to me

let me feel; i don't care if i break down.
let me fall; even if i hit the ground.
and if i cry a little, die a little
at least i know i lived.

i'm an expert at play it safe and keep it cool.

i've become much to good at being invincible

let me fall.

it's october again
the leaves are coming down
one more year's come and gone
and nothing's changed at all.

if i choose to would you try to understand.

oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free from all the things like desperation.

elsewhere.

wasn't i supposed to be somebody who would face the things that i've been running from?

sofaking. so-fucking-retarded.

i'm still trying to figure out what you want. i'm confused, you say you love her and yet you hit on me all the time. i don't think what you're saying is appropriate. it's not fair to me. i don't know how you feel or what you feel. number twelve is important to me. but so are you. so please stop this. you're making it incredibly difficult. everytime i become settled with him and how i feel about him you come say something or tell me you love me and miss me and wish i was there. that's not fair. it's not cool. it's hard and frustrating and i wish you would make up your mind.

nelson mandela.

forgiveness liberates us all.
it removes fear; that's why it is such a powerful weapon.

invictus.

out of the night that covers me
black as the pit from pole to pole
i thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.

in fell the clutch of circumstance
i have nor winced nor cried aloud
under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody but unbowed.

beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of the shade
and yet the menace of the years
finds and shall find me unafraid.

it matters not how straight the gate
how charged with punishments the scroll
i am the master of my fate
i am the captain of my soul.

-william ernest henley.

that isn't love.

dear girl on tyra,
you're an idiot. if your boyfriend treats you that shitty, dump him.
hellooo he doesn't love you.
i have sympathy that you're so clueless that you think thats love but i have zero sympathy for you because you stay with him.

better get used to it.

everything will change.

blackberry love.

i woke up today to find an email saying no history class this morning.
lovely i can lay in bed longer doing homework. =)

macbook pro.

i'm currently trying to convince my daddy to buy me a macbook pro.
it's not going well.

suddenly i see this is what i wanna be.

i find that more and more as time progresses i find out who my true friends are. i used to miss rd and i used to miss all the people there so much and every day i miss them less and less. my momma told me she thinks i'll never move home for good again, maybe summer but no longer than that because i've just outgrown the people there and the opportunities it can provide for me. i feel so much more mature than most of the people there and i struggle to deal with their stuck in high school mentality. i don't know maybe i'm just meant to do something more.

september 18.

special occasions, such as a birthday can really show you who your friends are. like people who make an effort to show up to your birthday and people who don't even say happy birthday. here's some examples:
cme never said happy birthday; ouch. same with sunshine. only sunshine's doesn't hurt it just reiterates the lack of respect i have for him.
sofa king on the other hand has a lovely girlfriend as we all know and decided to cheat and continuously hit on me throughout the past 6 months of their relationship and prior to that during their "break". he continuously said happy birthday sweetheart, i miss you... blah blah blah. maybe your girlfriend would like to hear about that seeing as her birthday is today!
and then there's me who barely drinks or parties anymore ever and was sick but came out and had a blast anyways. she said, i love you it's your birthday and you're my best friend. i wouldn't miss it!
and am who was the nicest kid alive and took care of my drunken self all night. he wouldn't even let me drink my own liquor while we pregamed because it was my birthday and i shouldn't have to pay for anything.
same with dream team, they bought me my lunch and they were so very kind as to buy my breakfast sunday morning.
you really do find out who your friends are.

you find out who your friends are.

dear tracy lawerence,
you said it.

distance.

i think the hardest part of long-distance relationships is the concept that you can't just be together. when you have a bad day or week or you just need a hug or you just need to be in the company of the person you care about and you can't. that's the hardest part for me, the inability to just be. the inability to just be together.

obviously there are many other sucky parts however, number 12 and i have a lot stronger relationship than many people because we have to work really hard at it. we have to be intellectual and we communicate because we can't just have sex and get drunk together 24/7. and i wouldn't want to (well the sex part might not be too bad). and perhaps the best part of our relationship is our quality of time. we have little quantities so we have to make it wicked quality.

number 12.

sheesh i missed that boy. i may have skipped class friday to go see number 12 early. after he got cut i was a little worried and i figured i could sacrifice 2 classes, which i already have the notes for to make sure he was okay. we spent thursday night and friday together and i actually got some homework done while he was at school. it was really nice to just spend a few days together. then we went for supper with daddy friday and that was fun. we went to this neat little super italian pizza place downtown and it was tasty. in fact, my appetizer actually tasted like the pizza i had in italy(although it was slightly heavier on the garlic). then saturday i went home for the birthday(expand next blog). sunday i went back to calgary for family supper and we had a yummy delicious dinner. even my princess sarah came =) then it was like 9 or 930 and i was so bagged so daddy told me to stay with number 12. how cute is that. so i did then came back today. it was just nice to talk in person for once. to see him and just lay there and talk and be together. i really missed him.