You've got to have a little faith to fall back on.

I have been thinking a lot in the last few days about the J situation. I do have feelings for him and I'm okay with that. But the more that I think about it, the more open to just letting things work themselves out I am.
I don't know if it's the experience of everything with number 12 or just maturing with age and life experience but I used to be convinced that number twelve was the one for me. And I think that has been the most important part of J coming into my life is to teach me. I have already learned so much from him. I have learned about myself and my value. I've also learned about the kind of things I deserve in life. I've learned about the type of man that I want to spend my life with. I think that is probably the most important thing he's taught me, that the type of man I want to marry does exist.
So often I am told my expectations are too high and I'm too picky and blah blah. Well I don't feel like the person you spend the rest of your life with should be a "sale item" or "compromise". If I intend to spend the rest of my life with someone, he better be top-of-the-line; the type that epitomizes quality.

Interesting night.

Last night I went to ME's house. I was so happy because BS was there. I honestly forgot how much I love her. I haven't seen her in ages. It was good to see everybody else too.
I went to my first Calgary strip club last night. It was actually hilarious. A man stripped to "the full monty" right in front of me. He was like 40 and it was hilarious. Also there was a girl who didn't have a bad body but she was a more voluptuous stripped and I think it would be less noticeable but she was dancing with a girl who was shredded beyond belief so it just emphasized it.
A guy was creeping hard on ZG and MT paid her to grind his leg and it was fucking hilarious. He actually creeped her so hard after and she's like man it was a joke, look at us. He came and shook MT's hand which was funny. Also I forgot how sexy CN is oh my goodness.
BS lives with her boyfriend and ME and MT are currently broken up but still living together.
I feel like my friends are all so much further in life romantically than I am. Like they are in these serious and significant relationships and I'm over here like, "yeah well I'm finally over number twelve but I'm in love with my boss, so.."

The last few days.

Thursday was like THE worst night I've had at work in a long time. When I walked in, J said oh what were you girls doing before this? Sitting at oj's so you could come to work wasted? CG had a coffee in her hands because we had just gotten a coffee.
I didn't even know how to react because I have been to oj's before but I would never come to work drunk. Then, for the rest of the night I was really put off. I had probably 75 percent of my tables complain about something kitchen related. And every time I told J, he flipped out. He honestly was being so rude and such a spaz and I was like wtf did I do.
So yesterday after work I was talking to him in the office and he's like look I'm really sorry for being grumpy tonight. I'm like tonight? Are you kidding? You weren't a dick tonight but last night I wanted to punch you in the face.
He's like what do you mean? What did I do yesterday? So, I told him and I said I was really insulted and then confused by your attitude towards me. He's like B, I am so sorry. You are not the problem and that was not directed at you. We have a problem but it is not you and I'm so sorry for making you feel like that.
We proceeded to talk about it and other girls and stuff and just had a nice little chat which made me feel so much better especially because moments before he was like I want to leave so hurry and come talk to me (about an incident last night with stupid girls) and I told him he was being really whiny and he's like it's because my batteries are out and I don't have my charger.
He honestly treats that thing like a million dollar diamond filled with crack cocaine haha he always has it and as soon as we sat down we just talked about lots of things which was nice and I feel much better.

Dan Goldberg.

"No matter how clear you think your perspective in life is- the person next to you has a different one. Because.. everything is relative."

Sometimes my own words remind me that I'm a good person.

"there will come a time in your life when you realize that you made a mistake. You will realize that there are more important things than money. You will realize that you made a mistake when you chose money over our relationship. On that day, I will still be loving you. On that day, you will still possess the truest part of my heart and soul. But on that day, I may not be available for you. And on that day, you might realize it's too late. But on that day you must follow your heart. I hope that that day comes before it's too late. But if it doesn't, always remember that I forgive you. I forgive you for all the hurt. I'm not mad at you for choosing money over me. It hurt me, but I understand it. I forgive you for following your head instead of your heart. And I forgive you for breaking my heart and taking my soul. I forgive you for being selfish, in fact I wish I was that selfish. Always remember that I love you and I forgive you." 

To the immortality of those I love.

The iTunes game gets me every single time: two in a row.

I was sitting on my doorstep. I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand, but I knew I had to do it and he wouldn't understand. So hard to see myself without him. I felt a piece of my heart break but when you're standing at a crossroad there's a choice you've got to make.

You don't have to keep on smiling that smile that's driving me wild.

You don't have to keep me falling like this, but it'd sure be cool if you did.

I'm rolling my eyes here.

I dreamed about him last night too. It was kind of funny actually. T came with us to his house and he was like arguing with J like I just don't understand why you don't date her. It's kind of funny because in real life T is always trying to convince girls to date J. He wants J to settle down and it makes me laugh so hard because usually he'll bring it up and a girl will be like he's not my type or something along those lines and T is like Why? What's wrong with my brother? He's a good catch! But usually the two of them are polar opposite and have completely opposing viewpoints and they bicker and it is so funny. 

Then at M's birthday last night she kind of made some comments. First she told me about their date haha I was actually laughing so hard. 
Then she kind of made some comments about him and she's like are you sure you don't like J? You two flirt a lot. I'm like yeah he's attractive but he's my boss. And she's like but what if he wasn't and I was like but he is.
She kept saying but like you both don't want kids and you get along so well. 
I just don't even know what to say to girls like he brought a date in last night haha how much more clear could that be?

Jim Carrey

You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well do what you do want.

Tonight was fucked.

Sometimes I actually think to myself I fucking hate her/ him.

There's something about him I cannot put into words.

It doesn't help that mom is deteriorating. I think the whole J thing has been a distraction. I have allowed it to envelop my mind so I am happy and giddy and crushing instead of thinking about the fact that she is getting sicker.
Death is a reality here. It becomes more and more real every single day. And I know, I'm supposed to recognize anybody can die any single day but the thought of even entertaining the idea that my mother might die is just too much. It's too real.
Her arm is so swollen. Like minimum twice the size it should be. When she breathes, it sounds like she has mesothelioma or something. It's like the worst chest cold you've ever heard. She's been complaining that sometimes she feels like she's slurring her words.
I am trying to be strong and reasonable and not worry but I'm kidding myself. I have been doing pretty well with not letting myself stress an insane amount. But if I'm honest, I'm worried. I'm not ready for her to die.
And lately she's been on my nerves because she's been all over me and I have been pushing her away a little bit and just keeping my distance, partially because of work but work is an excuse to not let it get to me too. I don't know I am being very guarded. I supposed it was easy to let J in because he is incredibly charming and intelligent and humorous and clever and attractive and the list goes on. It's easy because his mom just died of cancer and he opened up so quickly to me and he trusted me right away so I trusted him right away. Usually, people trust me early on and it takes awhile for me to trust them. Not J, there's just something about him.

Maybe I was naive.

I'm not a princess.

It was just so nice to feel something real again.

This isn't a fairytale.

I know how stupid it was of me to actually get my hopes up. I promised myself I wouldn't but I did.
I am actually so delusional. I probably made all of it up in my ridiculous little mind.

That's not true actually. I know I didn't make it all up in my head because of how many comments have been said to me from other girls. I also am a bit perplexed considering some of the things he says to me on a very regular basis. I'm not mad right now or upset really, I actually think it's kind of funny.
It's funny to me that I would actually come up with this ridiculous notion in my head. And I know. I just keep saying to myself, "you knew this was too good to be true" because I did. It is.
Not that I don't deserve someone as incredible as J, I do and I am thinking maybe that's the lesson here. Maybe J is supposed to teach me that I am worthy of more and that I deserve better and that I can be happy with someone new.
He does treat me well and he does make me feel special and maybe I needed to learn that I deserve to feel like that.


The worst part of this is that the overly-critical asshole side of me is now making a list of all the things that bother me about him and that I find unattractive. I know that that is immature but it's a defence mechanism because I wouldn't want to admit that I actually have feelings for my boss who I cannot date because that is completely off limits and I don't know why I ever let myself think it was a possibility.

Stupid girl, I should've known.

I'm a little deflated today.

I am so incredibly happy right now.

And he loves me.

I just fucking love him.

If you've ever met a Virgo...

"Regardless of what you're doing in your life, who you're involved with, or what your goals and dreams are, Virgo always runs up against the wall called "Am I worthy?" Sometimes the question is framed differently. It may be, "Can I do this?" "Am I smart enough (or pretty enough, educated enough, creative enough, or whatever) to do this stuff?" When it comes to matters of the heart, this same self-doubt and self-criticism operates.
What people fail to understand about you, Virgo, is that you're a work in progress. As a mutable earth sign, you're flexible, adaptable and creative. You're constantly striving toward a perfect ideal- of yourself, your loved ones, your creative and spiritual endeavours, the entire vast canvas of your life. To achieve this ideal, you turn your sharp analytical eye on the flaws and imperfections of the raw material and find it grossly wanting. So you engage in endless dialogues with yourself, analyzing every little detail until all those little details are shredded and lying in scraps on the floor. Whether you're criticizing yourself or your partner, the devastation to the relationship is the same way."

Curious.

He isn't a Taurus. He's a Cancer.

Intelligence.

I'm reading a bit of an astrology book right now. When referring to virgos it states, "once you have won her mind, her heart is yours". I cannot explain how well this epitomizes how I feel right now.