Thursday, January 8, 2015

My surrogate child aka closest I'll get.

Today I talked to my nephew and sister on the phone and J said, "auntieeeeeeeeee" and then before I hung up he said, "I looveee you!" I nearly died. I fucking love that child.

Haaaaate this feeling.

Hey you! If I could stop missing you that'd be great. Okay thanks.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Feelings are bogus.

I miss you but I'm terrified for your return.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Emotional, delusional, grumpy as fuck.

I feel like all of my efforts are futile.

Figure it the fuck out.

It drives me absolutely FUCKING CRAZY when people are OBLIVIOUS to social cues.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

You'll be in my heart.

Put your faith in what you most believe in. Two worlds, one family. Trust your heart, let fate decide to guide these lives we see.

Glowing.

I'm just so incredibly happy right now.

Wisdom from a child.

"I don't care if you don't like me, I love me".

Things to think about you.

What qualities are really important to you?

When you think about the relationships you admire, what do you admire about them?

What about the relationships you don't like? What don't you like about them?

What do you want your relationship to look like?

I want your brilliant mind and your beautiful heart.

I was hurt that he had just stopped texting me the other night. I didn't want to admit it but I was. I was really sad he just abruptly stopped mid-conversation. I was feeling really sad about it the last few days because when I was at ME's house I had a big conversation with both TT and CL about J.
TT was like B, you light up when you talk about him and from the sounds of it, he has feelings for you. There is absolutely something there. TT loves ME and it is so clear and she just isn't ready. And I get that. TT and I talked about how it will be worth the wait. Both ME and I are getting used to the way that a real man treats a woman. And I just mean little things that are really big things like reminding you of your value, building you up all the time, etc.
TT was basically like B think about the stuff he does for you. He has no reason to do that for you as an employee no matter how many hours you've worked for him or how much you help him out at work. That's a completely different entity.
One thing we talked about that I've been thinking about is how J is established and I'm not and that could be another reason he's holding off, especially as someone who is AS established and wealthy as  he is. I mean it really makes sense because I am just starting out. And I know that J knows I don't have feelings for him because he has money. He knows that my intentions have absolutely nothing to do with his money. But I can see how he'd want to know how I function completely on my own. How I will establish myself as an adult, if that makes sense. And I actually really respect that in a way because I want to be able to do it on my own. I want to set up my life before him. I want him to know without a single doubt that his money is a bonus and that what I really want his heart and his brain.

My heart melted.

I am sitting in my bed trying to fight tears. I just opened my school email and J emailed me. He forgot I don't have an iPhone so it's not iMessage so it costs him a FORTUNE to text me from Zanzibar. He wanted to apologize for not texting me back.
I absolutely adore that human being.

Lena Dunham


Someday.

I have such a love/hate relationship with the way he makes me feel.