I can so confused and frustrated.

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

Always and forever.

I'm just laying here in bed and all I can think is now what? What do I do now? I'm supposed to let go and move on and live life on rainbows? I mean I gave him my heart and soul on a platter so I guess, to some degree, I have let go and provided myself with the opportunity to move on. The key is that, I love him. I'm always going to love him. He's always going to have a part of me. So where do I put that?

Over 5 years of my life.

Now what?

apathetic, indecisive, and in love.

I feel like I should talk about the last two days but to some degree, I'm not entirely sure what to say.

Take a trip somewhere.

Number twelve and antelope hunter were inseparable in high school, like literally. They went to different schools and it was still weird to see one without the other. After their first year of university, things changed. They lived together. They're still friends but not nearly as close. I get that, I do. But usually boys are less likely to change their friends groups as much as girl groups. It's weird though because now antelope hunter is best friends with CM and they honestly make sooooooooo much more sense together. I always was so confused by number twelve and antelope hunter's friendship because they are so incredibly different. Like their core values are different and it's inevitable that that kind of thing catches up with you. CM and CE (antelope hunter) lived together the last 2 years and they are so much alike. In the sense that they are both such unique people.
CE left yesterday to Europe to see another good friend AD. AD moved to London last year with his girlfriend. And AD lived with CE 3 years ago and CE and CM two years ago. It's hard to believe it was that long ago but they are honestly going to have such a wonderful time. My only fear is that CE isn't coming back. He's been to hell and back in the last year and I just don't forsee him coming back,

I can't breathe without you, but I have to.

It's fearless to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them.

Serenity prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's all on him now.

I don't know what to think or feel now. I expected some sort of response. Even if it was a, "what the fuck is this".

I breathe in, I breathe out.

I stayed at number twelve's last night. I know; stupid, stupid girl. At the same time, I have finally worked up the courage to take him the box of things I need to take him. Which is three CDs, 40 ish letters and his hoodie I've had for over 4 years.

Me, now.

That moment when you know what you're doing is so wrong but you have to do it anyway.

Fortitude.

I'm sometimes arrogant. I don't mean to be, it's just I've suffered more hardships than most people my age. I've been through a lot. I'm grateful for those hardships and all of my experiences because they made me who I am. I wouldn't want to take that back despite how truly difficult they've been. I am who I am because I've faced adversity.

I often do.

Do you ever feel like you outgrow people?

Momma, I love you.

I honestly have the best mom ever. I love her so unbelievably much. She is able to make you feel better about anything, always. Just talking to her makes everything okay.

moments.

Sometimes, you don't realize how much you miss something until it comes back into your life for one silent moment.

I fought for you, but you never fought for me.

I think tomorrow is the day. I'm terrified but at the same time I think there will be an inexplicable feeling of relief. At least, I hope there will. I hope there will be the relief of knowing there is absolutely nothing else I could have said or done, I gave absolutely everything.