Silly family.

I have been asked at least 3 times why I'm up so early? Hello, it's like 930 almost. I am always up way earlier than this.

What is your deal sweetheart?

I guess I just don't understand. I just want to be like look, what is your deal? Why do you even he a girlfriend? You don't seem overly interested in her? I'm confused so please fill me in.

you look like bad news, I gotta have you.

I think I am prone to fall for boys I cannot have. I am falling for a boy in my class. He is so comfortable in who he is. He is everything I would normally be attracted to: he dresses well, he is good-looking, he's an athlete, he's got just enough cocky. Only he is absolutely nothing I would ever see myself with. He's brilliant. He is kind and he is down to earth. He's open-minded. He wears a leather jacket, he chews. He's going to be a teacher, a great one. He is just the complete opposite of what who I have always seen in my future.
He comes from an interesting family. He's worked with handicapped kids. His brother has some sort of mental something (I think). His dad is gay. All of these things just completely blow my mind because he is everything I have always been attracted to yet the complete opposite of all of them.
He treats me differently though. He is kind. And most of all, I laugh again. Every time I see him, or talk to him, I laugh.
It's funny, and it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but we have a connection; when I look into his eyes. It is insane, we make eye contact from across the room and I literally melt a little. I'm paralysed and I'm giddy like when I was eight years old. I find myself smiling or giggling. It's actually embarrassing.
He's different, but of course, he's got a girlfriend.

On a lighter note.

"You look like bad news,
I gotta have you. "
-TSwift

At least I believe in something.

Today we had a girl read her writing in class. She wrote something about each of us and what she would remember about us. She said, "I will remember B for her strong beliefs". You know what, I do have strong beliefs and it takes a lot to shake them. And if that's what I'm remembered for, I'm happy. For some people my "strong beliefs" makes me a stuck up bitch. For others, it means I'm passionate and I believe in something. And I think that's just it. I don't really care if you think I am an arrogant bitch. Sometimes I am, sure. But I have strong beliefs and I'm not willing to compromise them. That's it. I would rather people think I am a bitch than be wishy washy and change my so-called beliefs every time someone disagrees with them or doesn't understand them. I'm not sorry for my beliefs. I believe. And I'm sorry you don't.

You've never walked in my shoes, ever.

It bothers me because people think my life was so easy, that I am so put together and blah blah blah. You know what, just because I don't publicly speak about hardships I've encountered in my life, doesn't mean it's all rainbows and cupcakes. I choose not to show that part of me. Sure, my experiences have made me who I am, but I don't need you or anyone else's sympathy. I hate that look of pity in someone's eye when they find out something about you and it clicks a little bit why you might be the way you are. Most people have absolutely no idea who I am or what I've been through and I intend to keep it that way. It doesn't matter. Who I am is who I am and if you don't like it, feel free to leave because this is who I am and I deserve better than to change for you. Most people have no idea that I tried to commit suicide more than once when I was younger and I don't want them to know that. Only a few people know that part of me and only a few people need to. I am so unbelievably frustrated with the close-mindedness of our society it blows me away. You just don't know. We never know.

you would never know.

This whole Amanda Todd thing really pisses me off. Tonight I kind of got into an argument with JP's boyfriend about it. I am not stating that she deserved to get bullied or anything of that sort. My point is merely that I think it is sad and unfair that this one girl, who was being bullied for choices SHE made got famous because right before she died she made a video about it. I do not think that she deserved to be bullied. I think that all of the other people who kill themselves every single day as a result of bullying deserve recognition too. Especially considering a lot of kids who commit suicide as a result of bullying are being bullied about things they have no control over. Ex. they are from a family built bigger, they are not 'pretty' according to the other people, they are nerdy and SMART.
I cannot comment on whether or not she did it for attention. Sure, her history and reputation precede her but none of us know why she did what she did. CM's argument was that she couldn't possibly have done it for attention because people don't commit suicide for attention. I looked him in the face and said do you know anything about being suicidal? Have you ever been suicidal? He looked at me, almost with attitude and said 'no, have you?" I could and did honestly answer Yes. He shut up.
What upsets me most is people who talk about suicide in terms of attention or why they did it. They talk about it being selfish and gutless. You honestly have no idea what you're talking about if you believe that. People who are actually suicidal or deep within a depression, they do not kill themselves for attention. You will never hear that person talk about killing themselves if they are truly depressed and are not looking for attention. That person is so far into a never-ending hole of depression that all they want is for the pain to stop. They don't have the capacity to think about how their death will affect the people in their life. They don't have the capacity to think about the fact that their death will hurt people, that they might hurt the people they love because of it. All they can think about is how excruciating the pain they are in is. All they can think about is the moment it will stop.

Love story.

"I couldn't live in a world where you don't exist."
-Edward Cullen

I just want to tell you, I almost do.

I bet you think I moved on or hate you,
'cause each time you reach out there's no reply.
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

It feels like the perfect night for breakfast at midnight to fall in love with strangers.

We're happy and confused and lonely in the best way.
It's miserable and magic.
Tonight's the night we forget about the heartbreak.

Boom fucker.

"Governor Romney, you mentioned that our navy has fewer ships than we did in 1916 - we also have fewer horses and bayonets, we have these things called aircraft carriers that airplanes land on, we have nuclear submarines that go underwater....." - President Obama

bahahahahahahahaha best part of the debate so far. 

I don't want to need you this way.

And this is when the feeling sinks in,
I don't wanna miss you like this;
Come back, be here.

It takes everything in me not to call you.

If I could, I would tell number twelve to listen to the song I Almost Do by Taylor Swift.

they just don't make men like you.

Have you ever heard the song She Thinks She Needs Me by Andy Griggs? It has a whole lot of history for me but I honestly love it so much. It means the world to me because the day that I said it was my favourite song in grade 11, Sunshine learned how to play it. He never ended up playing it for me but I remember he told me he was trying to learn it and I asked why and he said because it's your favourite. I just love the entire concept of the song. And even though things didn't work for Sunshine and I, he will always have a special place in my heart. We were just too young for such a connection. That seems to be the biggest problem for me, I always fall into these relationships where I connect so deeply with someone but we are too young for that kind of relationship, too young for that kind of love. Maybe it's because I am too wise for my years, I have an old soul. Maybe it's because I am too young to really believe, to trust, to allow myself to go there. Or maybe I have never found a boy mature enough to really go there with me. Is love like that real? Is a connection like that possible?

"She thinks I walk on water, she thinks I hung the moon.
She tells me every morning, they just don't make men like you.
She thinks I've got it together, she swears I'm as tough as nails,
but I don't have the heart to tell her, she don't know me that well:
She don't know how much I need her, she don't know I'd fall apart
without her kiss, without her touch, without her faithful loving arms.
She don't know it's all about her, she don't know I can't live without her.
She's my world, she's my everything and
she thinks she needs me."

Go home sweetheart.

K's girlfriend has been staying here way too much lately. It's at the point where it's actually starting to bother me. Like this is four out of the last five nights now, fuck off. I don't understand why it's necessary to stay here on school nights? Like I cannot imagine being banged all night then getting up and going to school (I have done it a select few times and it sucks you are exhausted and feel shitty all day). School is important to me, I wouldn't risk that for a boy.
Last night I took his friends and him out and I drove them to the strippers and the bar but I went with them. The funniest part is that they dressed up like a priest, a monk, and a rabbi. I don't know if I talked about this earlier but they were supposed to come next weekend and ended up coming this weekend because M booked his flight this weekend by accident for Halloween hahahahahaha. Anyways I actually had an awesome time with them, they were so funny. And even K was like, any idea why T stayed here last night? Or was it awkward to you too? And it was totally awkward. Like his two friends were here, go home sweetheart. You are like extremely needy if you need to stay here and cannot let him have two nights with his best friends since childhood who he only sees every few months.
She's here right now and I like her but this is starting to wear on me. I like living with ONE person. I didn't sign up to live with two people and I don't pay the rent I pay to live with two people. I just like my space and I just don't understand why she always needs to be here.
I learned that she doesn't drink at all ever, tonight. It made a lot of sense about a lot of things.

every time this girl can reach into my soul.

"We believe in things because we want to - isn't that the definition of faith, anyway? Faith is holding tight to your belief even in the face of evidence against it."
- S

I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

I know my heart will never be the same.

Please stop. PDA is not okay.

Look I get you guys are dating I don't need you guys to talk to each other with your faces an inch away from each other's face. You don't need to kiss and rub each other all over and sit at a bar with your arms around each other. It's incredibly awkward and I feel uncomfortable.

That's the difference.

I keep telling people I don't want any sort of relationship. I have been convincing myself for ages that there's no one else, that number twelve is as good as it gets and I never wanna be that person again.
But I'm starting to think maybe there could be some other boy out there, no not boy, man. That's what I want, a man. I don't want another boy, I want a man.