Discouraged.

I'm a little bit discouraged with the whole idea of dating and boys and relationships. I just feel like I'm kind of sad about the Court thing. I mean I just started to enjoy what it was like to have a male pay attention to me. I like that he was interested and made and effort to talk to me. Then he just kind of stopped and I don't know why. He texted me tonight and it was kind of a combination of pissed off and happy.
He invited me to come have a drink with them but I wasn't finished work in time. It's probably better I didn't go considering the week I had. And especially considering I haven't really spoken to him all week because I probably would have had 2 drinks then been rude about it.
Mostly I just feel discouraged because he's uninterested. And I shouldn't be because I know I have value and I deserve to find a wonderful man. I just feel like it'd be nice to have someone want me. I honestly just want someone to lay next to in bed and talk to about nothing. I want someone to just want me.

It's hard because things have been great with J this week. He's made me laugh and he's flirted hard core. He's been very sweet and fun which I appreciate. Tonight he told a girl we had sex and I turned beet fucking red. I was so stunned he said that out loud in front of me to this girl I got up and left the office. I probably should have laughed but I was just like this is so awkward because we haven't. 
I guess I just feel discouraged because I never find boys. I was so involved with number twelve for so long that I was finally excited to be excited about J and M. I was excited to feel about boys again.
J is a whole nother ball game.  The whole boss thing really fucks with things.

Damaged.

Why do I insist on falling for boys who are emotionally unavailable?

The little things.

This week he reminded me why I fell so hard to begin with.

Devastating.

We had to put our puppy down this morning. He's old and it was expected for quite some time but it's still hard. He's been in our family for 15 years.
I feel bad for Mom more than anything. I know it's a major reality check for her with her cancer. Charlie was with her through the first time she had lymphoma. Now he's gone. I haven't really spoken much about it because I don't know how. I don't know what to say or how to feel about all of this. I don't know how I feel. She's getting sicker and it's difficult to watch. Radium last week was the longest time I've spent with her. It was tough because B has done some research and sends me her findings and basically Mom has all of the symptoms of the end of lymphatic cancer. She's overly emotional, exhausted, difficulty breathing. It's tough to watch her suffer.

I am so funny.

Shit my boss and I text one another when he goes home.

Pick a puppy!

Shit my boss texts me from 6 feet away in the office hahaha.

courtesy.

I am such an overly-analytical person. The more I think about Court, the more I am giving myself reasons not to pursue anything with him. I was thinking about the whole cell phone dying thing. It really bothers me that he doesn't say, "my phone is dying" or something along those lines. When I lived with K, that was something we both talked about why we liked living together so much, because we were courteous. Courtesy goes a really long way for me because it means you are thinking about somebody other than yourself. It bothers me that Court doesn't have the courtesy to acknowledge that his phone is dying and I'm not going to talk to him for 2 days.
I also don't like how much he drinks. Like I get it, you're a 22 year old male. I would probably party my life away too. But I'm not there anymore. Don't get me wrong, I like to party occasionally and I love wine but I don't want to be blackout drunk 36 hours of every weekend. And it's not fair for me to ask him to change because I'm not at that stage. It's not even that I would ask him to change, it's just not something I'm interested in and I actually kind of find it to be a turn-off.
I know that he doesn't owe me anything. We aren't dating, we aren't anything; in fact, I barely know him. But I really like talking to him and I'd like to get to know him better. I suppose I'm just trying not to get my hopes up so I am thinking about all the negatives instead of the opportunity for a new enlightening learning experience.