On Saturday, number twelve stopped on his way back to the states. It was really interesting and totally different than anything I thought I would ever experience with him.
He showed up and came in and sat down right beside me. It should have been weird but it wasn't. We just sat and chatted for like 2 hours drinking water with the soccer game on in the background. After about an hour, he moved my legs across him and we just chat. It was so normal. We sat and talked about everything. Eventually things progressed and it was honestly the least weird and weirdest experience concurrently. There was no insecurity, no judgement, no filter, no reservations. Just us. I think it was really good for me because at no point was I in my head over-analyzing and wondering where it's going or what's happening next. It was probably the most in the moment I have ever been. We cuddled, we chatted, we laughed.
At one point, we were kissing and I burst out laughing and he was like what are you laughing at and I was honestly just like this is so fucked up. But it's not. And that's why it's fucked up. I mean we have barely spoken in 3 years.. I think I've seen you once, maybe twice and this is where we're at.
He really opened up while he was here. He told me so much about our relationship and how he saw it and how silly and immature so many of our fights were. And he's right, they were. We were both so concerned about what other people thought about our relationship and we let it impact our thoughts about one another.
He reminded me how many times we would have a huge fight and then he'd end up laying beside me and we were perfectly fine when it was just us. And I genuinely think that immaturity and other people's influence played such a role in our downfall because we let it. It was so interesting to me to hear his perspective on so many things. He said after everything, we're still here: best friends. We always make it back.
I think more than anything that speaks to our love for one another. For me, that was a sense of closure that I needed. I truly believed in our love and for so long I couldn't understand how a love like that can't overcome all odds. And the truth is, it has overcome all odds. There's no bad blood. There's no anger or resentment. A few comments came up about different situations and how things might have played out differently and I just looked at him and said honestly, it doesn't matter now. It was so long ago.
We sat on the steps outside and just watched the stars and talked and ate supper. Just enjoying the beauty of simplicity. We talked about our futures and some of the stuff he said just blew me away. The things he thinks about and what he wants in his future. And he asked me about what I want. I think that's the nicest part. We can talk about our lives, past, current and future without it being awkward. It can include us, it doesn't have to though. It can be about other people and experiences with them.
He melted my heart a little at one point. We were just laying and chatting and he was holding me so tight and he said, "feel safe yet?" I know it's silly but the reason that tugged on my heart strings a little bit is because years and years ago I told him that my favourite place to be on the worst days was in his arms because I felt safe for awhile. There were a few other things that he remembered and mentioned and I never really thought he was listening to me half the time I was speaking when we were younger.
I think that's why I needed him and this experience with him this weekend. The last six months have been really tough. I mean really tough. And D is incredible to me but I don't lay in his arms to feel safe for awhile. Being with number 12 was solely unconditional love. The kind most people dream about. After everything, knowing your mistakes, knowing the best and the worst parts of you and still loving you for exactly who you are.
I needed that. I needed to feel loved for awhile. I don't need him in my future, not like that but to know that someone loves you as much as you always believed they did is humbling but validating as well. And to know that no matter what, you have a friend you can always go back to, that is the best feeling.
