So sore.

First time doing hack squats you'd think I'd be smart enough to go easy on the weight. No no 45s on each side and 4 sets seems like a great idea. I can barely fucking walk today. Each step I make and even turning over in my bed is painful. F my life. 

Sex is the easy part.

How do you become a serial relationship enthusiast? I don't understand it. There are so many people who date person after person after person for extended periods of time each and I cannot wrap my head around it. Like the concept of getting into a relationship is daunting to me. After 6 years of on and off and the amount of myself I gave to number twelve in that time. I cannot imagine doing that 3 times to 3 different people in that six years. Officially, we've been broken up for 3 and a half years. When that happened and since then, the concept of another relationship scares the hell out of me. That is such a large piece of yourself to give someone. How do you split that between 3 or 4 or 6 people. It just blows me away completely.
It sounds awful to me. And maybe this is a product of my environment and my life and media and society and all the other things we blame on the world but I think giving your body away to someone is a lot easier that giving your heart and soul to someone. There are some choices I wish I hadn't have made drunk, choices that ultimately changed me in a way I could not foresee at the time. Giving someone your body is easy and can be done with just the wrong (or right depending how you view it) combination of substances. Giving someone your heart requires the conscious decision to be vulnerable. While I don't think loving someone is in our control, I absolutely think that allowing yourself to open up to someone completely, allowing someone to be able to break you is a much more personal and a much more difficult thing to do.

I can't say it out loud but fuck do I miss you.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to love him every day for the rest is my life. I'm okay with that but is there every going to be a day I don't miss him. 

Don't know if it really even matters to you.

I am a terrible selfish person. I sometimes think about horrible things. I sometimes wish that something bad would happen to me, you know like I'd get into a terrible accident just to see who would care, just to see if he would care. And I know it's stupid and selfish and ridiculous that it. But I can't help but think about it sometimes. I wonder if he was faced with really losing me forever if that'd change anything for him.

Exactly 4 years today.

I fucking hate the number twelve. It perpetuates my whole fucking life. November twelfth can s my d. Number twelve can stop breaking my heart any time now. 

The day you stop believing in love is the day you're wrong.

"To all the lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love."

-Lucas Scott  

I guess I'm wrong. 

Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from.

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind. I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I've got to do or who I'm supposed to be. I don't wanna be anything other than me. 

Conflicted.

I wish there was some incredible sign. Something that told you what you were meant to do in life. It would almost be simpler if things were the way they were in Lois Lowry's 'The Giver'. Everything is set out for you without your control. Your whole life is planned out for you: your career, your marriage, your children. It would be so much easier if someone just told me what to do in life. If someone said, look you haven't wasted the last five years of your life, one day your degrees will come in handy. 

I don't want to be a teacher. Every time Ithink  about it, I think about how unhappy I think I would be as a teacher. I don't hate it but I don't love it. I don't know what I love. Or who I love or what I want. 

Some day I'll be living in a big ol' city.

I'm kind of sad tonight for a number of reasons. Mom is gone. I came home but she's in Radium this weekend which really sucks. She left me wine and baileys and my favourite peanut butter squares thought just to make sure I knew she loves me.
Last night they retired BB's jersey in Medicine Hat. Their program has never retired a jersey before. It is just incredible to think about how many lives he truly touched.
Tonight I was lit up my the monsters. When I got home, JJ was so cute. He was all smiles and I picked him up and gave him the biggest hug. When I went to go to the bathroom I put him down and turned around to walk away and he started freaking out because he thought I was leaving. It honestly melted my heart.
When I went and saw S and W, they were watching Monsters University (great flick I might add) and S jumped into my arms and just like was so excited. W was cuddling his dad and he jumped off him and ran over to me. They both just sat in my chair with me and wanted to cuddle. S asked me to "sleep in her top bunk bed".
I wanted to go out tonight. I didn't want to drink but I really wanted to go out. I couldn't even tell you the last time I went to Billy's. I just wanted to see people you know. I sometimes long for the person I used to be. I was just sad because I don't really feel like most of my friends from here care at all if I even exist. I know that's dramatic and I chose this and I am so grateful for my leth friends. I haven't really put much of an effort towards people from rd especially in the last year or so but I just feel above it.
Tonight I went with ZG to a house party at TE's and it was just honestly so ridiculous. They went to Lotus and it was just everything that I'm not. Their conversations were actually painful to listen to. I didn't even know it was possible to be that annoying. I was just taken aback. I don't honestly think I was ever that stupid or that annoying, even when drunk. I wanted to punch every person there basically. I know I've done some super dumb and super annoying shit but that was just a whole new level.
I just feel out of place here now. If it weren't for my family, I really don't know when I'd ever come back here. I had to leave that house so I just got in my car, got a hot chocolate and drove. Tears were streaming down my face because the place that is supposed to be my home isn't. The person that I was here doesn't exist anymore. The people I used to spend my time with are still doing the exact same things they were doing 2, 4, and 6 years ago. I'm just not a part of it. And I was really sad tonight because I felt lonely and excluded but I  don't really know if I want to fit in here. I've never fit in here. I used to do a pretty good job pretending I did but this place just sucks the life out of you. You fall in to this habit of complacency. I don't ever want that.
I'm just really sad tonight.