Ugh.

I'm really annoyed at him tonight. He had CG find out through other people why I was mad at him. That really bothers me. You clearly know I'm upset with you, you're 30 years old. Just ask. 

I'm flustered because he wasn't even told the real reason. The reason he was told was really downplayed and makes me look very dramatic. The thing is, it's not the coffee. It's the coffee as the straw that broke the camel's back. He is shitty in a lot of ways and I think the worst part is that he doesn't even realize he's doing it. I think he was genuinely completely oblivious to why I am upset with him.

He tried a little harder tonight but that's not saying much. It's still only work related conversation. But I asked him for his manager code because he changed it. Only I asked him in the most professional way, "may I please have a code so I can discount this and void this and this?" So he texts me it and tries to make a joke about names because the discount was for a girl who works at their other place. I didn't answer. It's not a joke, it's not funny and I'm still upset. 

This is going to be more difficult than I thought though. Staying upset. I'm not really the type to hold grudges or stay angry and I think that's why this has gone on this long. It's also why he is the way he is about it. In his mind he's thinking, oh well she'll get over it... Because I always do. But I'm really trying to stand my ground here. I reached a pretty critical breaking point and I deserve better. 

Done.

You crossed the line too many times, I'm gonna put you in your place. You played with dynamite, don't be surprised when I blow up in your face. 

Holy shit he's John Mayer.

You are an expert at keeping lines blurry, never impressed by me acing your tests. All the girls that you run dry with tired lifeless eyes 'cause you burned them out. 

I should've known.

Don't you think I was too young to be played by your dark twisted games when I loved you so? 

I added this to my note.

You never initiate us hanging out and you don't want anyone to know we're hanging out and it makes me feel like I'm intruding and then when I go to leave you say bullshit like, "Duke's going to miss you". Like am I that fucking terrible that you don't want anyone to know? It'd be one thing if we were sleeping together and you didn't want your staff to know but at this point it makes me question my self worth, like something's wrong with me and I have nothing to be ashamed of as a person. 

It didn't have to be this way.

Your emotional polarity is exhausting. I never know which side of you I'm going to get. For a year and a half I've been playing along with your incessant mind games and it's not fair to me. I lack complete understanding of what you want from me because it changes every 30 seconds. It's a game to you and l am not a game. Even in the last week, you couldn't just ask why I was upset with you. You had to be more stubborn, you couldn't concede that you might actually not be perfect.  Cool, your prize is losing someone who genuinely cares about you.  

I'm grateful for what you've done for me. You taught me to value myself but unfortunately for you by doing so it's going to cost you me because I don't feel valued by you at all. I deserve to be valued. I am a good person, in fact a great person with such a multitude to offer the world and I have done nothing but try to be here for you the entire time. I've tried to absorb your mood swings and adjust my actions to your emotions on any given day.  I was too stupid to even realize how much you were using me and playing with my head. I recognize it's partially my fault for being so naive and giving too much and rationalizing your behaviour every single time. That stops now. I have enabled your behaviour for too long. I will do my job and the required responsibilities that accompany it. Stroking your ego is not in my job description. It really sucks because I would've done anything for you but you took advantage of that so polite cordiality is the extent of this relationship. 

This is the draft of writing I've written to him to explain myself. Not that he deserves an explanation but I need to release it. I don't know when or if I'll send it but I need to formulate my words because I want him to understand how much he hurt me for no reason at all. It didn't have to be this way. 

Heart's break.

I'm sitting in my vehicle, fighting back tears outside the gym because I don't want to lose him. I so badly want him to fight for it because I can't be the only one fighting for it. 

Awkward.

It's so awkward. We are so awkward. Today he came back to get something and literally walked in the front door as I was walking by and I didn't say anything. So neither did he. It was so awkward. I walked away to do something and passed him twice and he just got his stuff and left. 

It kills me he hasn't asked what's wrong or why I'm upset with him. But I think he knows it kills me and that's why he hasn't. He's stubborn. He likes to win and to be in control. I would bet he thinks I'll be over it in a few days and we'lol be back to normal. But it can't be like that this time. I can't let it. I have to be strong. It's devastating. It's heartbreaking. I hate it. I miss Duke. I miss our stupid jokes. I miss it all. 

Tonight the only words I spoke to him were, "may I get a latte with baileys?" And "thanks".  That's it. That's where we are. I despise it. 

I can't believe I didn't post this before.

Cold, hard truth.

The idea of losing J is devastating to me. It's honestly atrocious and I dread it. But I still feel like I'll be okay. Whether it's J or anyone else. And I have him to be thankful for that. 

Steve Toltz

"The past is always the worst thing happening to the present at any given time." 

What's the point of all this? What's the lesson.

I hate how fucking well he knows me. All these stupid books he chose for me. And I hate that he specifically asked me if this book reminded me of him.  I'm actually laughing out loud as I read, "I needed any doctor, just as long as he wasn't too fat (one must be as suspicious of obese doctors as of bald hairdressers)". 

The words you need to hear will always find you.

You'll always be my favourite love, even if this is where it ends.

A fraction of the whole.

It's taking everything inside of me not to text him right now and ask, "why the fuck did you choose this book for me?! Was it your goal to have me read about you and how you function as a human?" 

What do I do.

I am so torn. 

Have a little fun for once.

What's the age difference limit for a girl? I mean how old is not creepy?

Who cares? He's a babe and I am satisfied.

Backfired.

He is so frustrating. He's so oblivious. I literally texted him, "your coffee awaits you." And he texted me back, "Thanks! I owe you!"
Are you kidding? Not even for a second was he like where are you or why aren't you watching the game here. He texted me about the game and I just never answered. I'm dreading work tonight because I have to stand up for myself. I can't just laugh and be happy because I'm not. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm exhausted. He is exhausting. His incessant mood swings are and complete lack of thought about anyone else are killing me.