M.

Yesterday a girl I work with who is friends with Court was like yeah you should go for it. I know he likes you. And I was like how? And she's like duh he told C already (C is court's best friend, who is dating K, the girl I work with's best friend).
I was like oh haha weird.
Yesterday I appreciate that he was honest with me. He's like yeah I have to deal with some family stuff. I just tried to be supportive. I was like well if you need to vent you can, if you need a distraction I can do that too or I can talk to you later. He of course drunk texted me at like 2am and I was le tired. Like I am never that tired but I really haven't slept much this week so I felt bad because I wasn't overly chatty.
Oh well, see how today goes.

Words.

I have so much to say.

Court.

I think I just like having someone to talk to. I like knowing he's thinking of me at night, or any time for that matter. When he drunk texted me the other night, I was so happy because I love it when people drunk text me because it means I'm the last one he's thinking of before he goes to sleep. He's thinking of me and that makes me smile because I'm actually thinking of him.

I crack myself up.

"I feel like all of my friends are so much further in life romantically than I am. They are in these serious and significant relationships and I'm over here like well, "I'm finally over number twelve but I'm in love with my boss so.."

I love me.

I hate that I let myself become this person again. I hate that I have fallen back into men playing such a role in my happiness. I mean seriously get your shit together self. It took me 2 and a half years to release the power that number 12 had on me. I finally start to feel good about myself and now I am concerned about how J and M feel about me and when they talk to me and what they think of me?
FUCK that.

Silly heart, silly head.

I'm also just being a baby about Court. I haven't really talked to him much since Friday and I'm just being pathetic about it. I guess I just want something new to experience even if it doesn't work out. And I know that's a shitty attitude but I just do. I want to just feel with someone else and experience a relationship that's different.
I think what I've been mulling over about Court is that he's only 22. And as much as he makes me laugh and is kind and intelligent and has a job and is unique and artistic and rides a motorcycle, he's still 22. He still parties like a 22 year old and speaks about women as a 22 year old.
I think that's something I've really learned to value from J. The other day he asked who someone's server was and they said, "the beautiful one". And when she said, oh you obviously knew it was me (she was kidding) he responded, "actually, I had to check the computer because you're all gorgeous". While he doesn't actually think each girl is attractive I'm sure, I value that he was raised to believe that women in general are beautiful and deserve to be treated that way.
I think part of that understanding is being 29 though because I'm sure that wasn't always the case at 18. And I think his weight issues played into his treatment of others.
I don't know I like talking to Court and I just feel like I'm comparing him and J and that's not really fair either because they are such completely different individuals at such completely different places in their life.

At a loss for words.

I'm flustered. Things have been going really well with J lately. He's said some things that kind of melt my heart. Yesterday I was really flustered with him because he told me he'd stay to close with me because of the new bartender (who I don't like, definitely don't trust, and is kind of an idiot/ stress-case/ ass). Last night was way shittier than I expected, but I walked by the office and J was like I'm going home soon. And I was like PARDON ME. And he's like I'm sore, you'll be fine without me. I'm like oh remember yesterday when you said you'd stay to the end with me? He's like yeah but I'm not going to help clean.
I walked away. Later he did start doing some cleaning but he was speaking to the bartender like B will help you too with whatever you need. And I rolled my eyes at J and said oh will I? So J starts talking to me and he's like do you really want me to stay? And I was like well I'm obviously not happy about you leaving. He's like well I will if you are going to be upset about it. And I'm like I'm not upset, I'm just going to leave then you will have to come back and close. He's like please don't do that because then you'd be fired and it'd be a lose-lose situation. I didn't say a word I just raised my eyebrows and looked at him. He's like I recognize that'd be a much bigger loss for me than for you B because then I'd never have you around.
While I thought it was nice of him to openly admit that, he made a comment about feeling less bad because I had the next four days off which did not help to diffuse the situation.
The other night I had a day off and J was like why aren't you coming back tonight and I was like well because today was supposed to be my day off so I wasn't planning to be here at all but here I am. And he's like but who am I going to hang out with?
I think it's funny because he values my opinion. I know that he does. And I value his.
The other day he looked me up and down and said I like it.
Then a few days later I said I really don't like your outfit today and he's like Why?! While I said he didn't look bad, I explained my reasoning and asked him to change before he came back at night. I told him I'd prefer if someone told me when they thought I didn't look my best and he was like true, so he came back in a better suit. Then a few days ago I looked him up and down and pointed and said, I really like this one. He's like I know you've told me this before! So I appreciate that he remembers and values my opinion.
It's funny because T the other day also looked me up and down and was like you look great. And then he started laughing hahaha and I'm like why are you laughing? And he's like because that was so creepy the way I just did that. And I laughed so hard because I was like yes, yes it was.

Whatever he's got.

I'm being so pathetic. And I knew that I was right. He texted me today and was like my phone was completely dead. I'm sorry! I know I am over-thinking it. I KNOW that I am. But that doesn't make it any easier.

This feeling is paralyzing.

"I have done bad things. I can't take them back, and they are part of who I am. Most of the time, they seem like the only thing I am."
-Veronica Roth.

We call them strong, those who can face this world alone.

You've got to be tough when consumed by desire, 'cause it's not enough to stand outside the fire.

I feel bad that I don't feel bad.

I fought for you for another 3 years, but you never fought for me.