He kills me with this.

Ridiculous.

I think the hardest thing with him is he is so hot and cold. Like last night I never really spoke to him much until the end of the night because it was busy and I was basically bartending. And as much as I appreciate that he trusts me enough to rely on me in instances like that it's still frustrating because it's like okay but you just expect me to do more but I don't really get anything out of it. And I keep praying that he'll make it up to me at some point but at the same time it's still frustrating. I mean I literally bartended/ran food/ helped other people for most of the night last night after getting absolutely crushed all afternoon.
But then he was showing me videos of Dukey and I asked if I could workout there Sunday and he's like of course!
Last night when I got home I sent him a video of a bulldog in a child's swing which led us to a discussion of underducks and and him enlightening me on some sexual meaning of underducks AND I told him that he was like Christian Grey ahahahaha. I told him I always wondered if there was a sex chamber behind his mirror. He said there is not.

Shot to the heart.

JPB.

The other day S asked me if I want to be with him. She made me realize that I've been a bit blind to his side of this situation and she thinks the ball is in my court. I don't know if she's right but both S and ME asked me in the same day, do you want to be with him? 

My first thought is well I don't want to be with anyone else. I think I've spent so long pushing those feelings away for numerous reasons especially fear but if I'm really honest, yes I do. I want to be with him. It is always about him because I want it to be him. 

Wise.

It's okay that you chose her, we always choose the wrong person for ourselves. After all, I chose you.

Sobering.

It's literally never even occurred to me that I might be the reason we aren't together.

A new perspective.

I don't know if I've ever fully understood something number 12 said to be years ago until just moments ago. I remember bawling one night. I was heartbroken because he said I can't be with you. You just don't get it. I don't want to be with anyone else. If I were going to be with someone, it would be you. And I didn't. Not until now.
Do you think it's possible to not want to be with anyone else but to be unready to be with someone? I wonder if all this time, I've been the problem in the J situation. Am I the one sending mixed signals? Am I the one in between us? Keeping him at arm's length?