I can't help it.

I'm absolutely in love with the fact he answered me from across the world a minute after I texted him. I genuinely didn't expect a reply.

Sincerely, your health.

Dear brain,
Please stop over analyzing and over thinking everything in the world. I promise it will all be okay in the end. Have faith in yourself and your ability to make good decisions. You are intelligent and kind and you love unconditionally. These all things to be proud of. Love yourself. Know that it's okay to not have it all figured out. You're still young, you have lots of time. Take each day for what it is. Grow. Love. Breathe.
You are strong and you know it but you are also beautiful. Believe that. Tell the voice that you know so well that's criticizing you to stop. Sure, you're flawed. That's okay. You've been broken. That's okay too. You are a good person. That matters. Remember your own value and remind yourself of it often because you deserve it. You deserve to know your worth and to feel the lightness of letting go. Release things out of your control. I'm serious. Learn and let yourself fail. Let yourself make mistakes.
Believe in yourself. You are enough.
Most of all, you are beautiful. Did you hear me? You are beautiful.
You are beautiful.
Love,
B. 

Witty little shit.

Refer back to post "all about the principle" from December 26. So that conversation happened and then on Christmas Day I was talking to J while he was at the airport and we were getting ready for dinner and his plane was getting ready to board so I was like okay, have fun! Be safe! I'm going to blow my brains out listening to an Elsa doll.
The little fucker says, "hahaha maybe you should've got them that iPad... with headphones!"
I will say though, I like that he remembers things we talk about like that. I find it endearing that he really listens to things I say enough to remember them.

What a joke.

I don't think I ever blogged about this but I went on a date with a dude from tinder who was basically J's doppelgänger and right before I went S said, "he will be shorter and less good looking than you expect". And the second I walked in he stood up and he was shorter than me and I actually burst out laughing because I am a HORRIBLE human being but fuck it was so funny.

I just want him.

I have bronchitis. All I want is for him to be here, worried about me. I want him to take care of me and sit next to me.
It's ridiculous because he deserves this vacation, he really does. I underestimated how much he does sometimes because when he's at work, half the time he sits in the office on his phone but he really does do a lot. He was so stressed and exhausted and I'm so happy he's gone away to relax.
Poor guy, today T sent him an email and I was like can't you just let him enjoy his one week away? Like you are going to go away for 2 weeks and I'd be willing to bet he will solve every single problem all on his own while you are away. Give him a break, for a week. He is barely gone 10 days total. I know because I am literally so beyond delusional in love with him and all I want is for him to come back.

Catcher in the Rye.

"It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
-J.D. Salinger

Come back, be here.

Feelings are bullshit. Today I received an email from my car salesman so I was telling T about it and then when I came home today I opened up a pesonal Christmas card from him like with a picture of his child on it. The only thing I want to do is tell J! And I can't because he's gone. Or I could email it or text him and he might get it or when he gets back. But he's the only one that will even understand because he came with me and he met the guy! And it will make sense to him and we have these joked about car shopping and it's just only him who will get it.

Spot on.

This is my new favourite insta account.

It's this.

Hey universe, this is what I want.

I just keep playing it in my head. Over and over and over.

Silly.

Okay, I know I still wouldn't see you until Monday but you can come home now so I can speak to you.

All about principle today.

The other day was really an endearing moment for me. My sister said something about her kids wanting Ipads for Christmas when I asked what was on their lists. I was standing beside J when I got the message and I said out loud, "I don't even like you... why would I buy your child an Ipad?" He thought it was hilarious and thought I should say that to her...brat. But he said, "don't you get frustrated with that kind of stuff... Just because I'm single doesn't mean I should have to spend 4 times as much on you because there's 4 of you and 1 of me. Like Duke's birthday is coming and he'd fancy a brand new gold watch." I nearly died because that is EXACTLY how I feel in my family. Like if the four of you spend 100$ on me as a family, great. But you expect me to spend 100$ on each of you. That's a 300$ difference and I have ONE income. It's not even the money, it's the principle.

So much similar.

It's difficult because I consciously know J is in my life for a reason. And I genuinely believe that things happen for a reason when they're supposed to happen. So I know J is here for a reason and things will happen if they're meant too but it doesn't make it any easier to not want him around because I do. I wholeheartedly adore spending time with him. He makes me laugh and he gets a side of me that no one else does.

Just because I can.

I'm thinking maybe I'll go to Greece this summer.

Bitch please, I am hilarious.

5 hours since we spoke.

He's gone and I already miss his stupid witty grin.

How pathetic.

You know you're really fucking lame when you cuddle with your brother for Christmas. hahaha I'm laying on the couch with my feet behind him and he's resting his elbow on my knee while my nephew  jumps on us.

Pretty please.

I'm getting to the point in my life where I want a significant other in my life. I'll be honest, I'm grateful for Christmas with mom this year but I am also a little bit sad. B is with T's family and B and C are with my extended family. But I want that. I want to have my own someone to spend Christmas with. I want to argue with someone about who we're spending Christmas Eve with and who we're spending Christmas Day with. I am just really ready to settle down and spend my life with someone.

Heartbreak is the national anthem.

It didn't come true.

Christmas Wishes.

I cried basically the entire way from Calg to RD today. I can't even really explain why. I wasn't sad. I think the reality of everything that I've gone through just hit me like a brick wall. I didn't honestly think mom would be here for Christmas and here she is hosting her favourite party.
It is mind blowing really and I am just so grateful. I feel so blessed and I have such a different appreciation for Christmas this year.
I thanked J this morning too for all his optimism and encouragement and support. And for putting up with me on my worst days because he really did bare the brunt of a lot of it.
I am so happy mom is doing better. And if I could have one Christmas wish it woild be that my sister said something to J and he just showed up and surprised me. I know it's farfetched but I mean miracles really can happen and that would be a wish come true.

Mindless dreaming.

All I want for Christmas is for J to call me this afternoon and say, I'm on my way. Where do I go when I get there?

All you had to do was stay.

Why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in?

brat.

Tonight I walked into the office to get some mints and I said, "I just need something to suck on." And J says, "What did you say?" So I repeated myself and he just raises his eyebrows with a shit-eating grin and says, "oh really?"
Before he even finished I was walking out out like shuuut up J.

So over today.

What an interesting few days.

Silly boy.

I'm so stupid and such a girl with feelings. So I googled J today. I came across his linked in profile and it led me to his mom's obituary. I nearly burst into tears instantly upon reading it. She was so gorgeous. All I could think about are all the wonderful things he's told me about her. I teared up a little bit when I realized that he really did choose to spend her birthday with me and that her death was only a week later and it explained SO MUCH about his emotions. It melts my heart that he wanted to spend her birthday and his birthday with me this year.

Love this.

This is actually so funny. And so true in so many ways.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/juliapugachevsky/signs-youre-just-not-that-into-relationships-as-told-by-t#.qdkJPYz0QE

Mixed emotions.

I really like the colour in my new haircut. I'm really sad that R is moving though. I feel so bad for him.
They were together for 18 years. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to separate lives after that. I asked him what next and he's moving to Greece as of June 1. That is heartbreaking for me, incredible for him. It makes sense though I mean what does he have here once his business is sold and his relationship is over. He has no family and who wants to live in Lethvegas.

Good morning self.

I go over it back and forth in my head on a regular basis, especially when we haven't spoken much. I was kind of over it last night on my way home. I just hit this point where I'm like okay just let it go so your heart stops hurting. He was upset on Wednesday, yesterday he was short. I'm not mad I just roll my eyes and think why do I do this to myself. I find the last line of this horoscope an incredibly interesting one.
Don't abandon a relationship that hasn't been given a chance yet.
I guess it's my turn to just let him have his moment or day or week and still be here supporting him.

silly girl, go to sleep.

So many thoughts in my brain.

I NEED to move out.

I'm starting to look at new places to live. If I do that I am going to really have to CURB my spending.

Silly girl, since when do you have emotions.

I am being SO ridiculous right now and I know it. I found out M aka Court has a girlfriend who works at the boys' other restaurant today. I know how ridiculous it seems that I would care. I never wanted to date him but he was nice to have around for awhile. It was nice to just talk to him and flirt. I guess it was mostly just nice to be wanted.
I mentioned it to S today and I guess if I think about it, he was a pretty big step for me post-number twelve. He was the first boy I was even remotely romantic with since number twelve. He made me realize I could be with someone else.
I didn't want to be with M because we are at SUCH different places in our lives. He is still in the party every weekend, do drugs sometimes phase and drink excessively on a regular basis while I'm like let's have a glass of wine in bed before I pass out.

Something to ponder.

Mom finally met him tonight. She said, "when are you going to let him in". I said, "I have mom". She said no you haven't. When are you going to let him all the way in. He's just waiting for you to say the words.

I wonder if he knows he changed my life.

I'm sitting here, reading old blogs posts from when I first met J. Tears are streaming down my face. I know that he's impacted me significantly, but I don't know if I really realized just how much until right now.

Ego inflation.

As J is talking about how he should charge a fee for 'a young good-looking manager,' CG was like obviously he means to have me as the manager. I'm laughing and say yeah I was thinking C too.  J looks at me and says "B, did you notice  how perfectly my belt matches my shoes?" and lifts up his shirt to show me his belt. I'm such a bitch haha and I say something along the lines of you're just so perfect J; you're so well-dressed and everyone loves you, the world should simply bow down to you. 

He smirks, laughs and says, "I know". 

Brown Gucci Shoes.

I was nervous a little to go in today. I didn't know if he would be over it or if he'd be a child about it. Sometimes J is incredibly immature. I get it, he spends the majority of his time around 18-22 year old girls.
I just take moments when I am mean like that so deeply to heart and I know he does too. So tonight when I walked in, he saw me and backed up to look at my boots. I love that immediately he was just him and I again.
He was just being so nice and he was dressed so well and I just haven't seen him like that in awhile.
He left without saying bye and we joked about it after.
I want this so bad.

KS... whoops.

I bought a ridiculously expensive pair of boots today. I have never spent so much money on a pair of shoes in my life... and they were ON SALE. I have been looking at them for so long though and I just thought, fuck. I like them, I've been looking for a new pair of black boots, I may as well spend the money on good boots I will get lots of wear out of them.
That's something both my parents always did too. We have always spent money on good shoes in our family.

That silly man.

The post two down is the epitome of J and my's relationship. I actually cannot put into words how dead on that feels.
On Monday we kind of got into a fight... and by got into a fight, I mean I was a bitch and he had every reason to get upset and leave the office while we were sitting there. He was completely justified in being upset and I know that I was wrong. I sent him a text to apologize on Tuesday morning but he didn't answer. I know it's stupid and he was probably over it already but it still has been bothering me all week.
Today I walked in and he says, "I LOVE that jacket. And you already know that because I tell you every time you wear it". I needed that. I apologized again. I was like sorry for being a bitch, you should have said B stop being SUCH a bitch. And he's like I thought you would've got the memo when I burst out of the office mid-conversation. I was like yeah, I'm sorry.
I know it seems silly but that kind of stuff really bothers me. I feel better now.
I said to him, "tomorrow, even if you hate my boots you have to tell me you love them". He's like okay, why?  I told him I spent too much haha and I neeeeeed to be told how wonderful they are. He's like good for you! I was like yeah the Bay had a sale, obviously the ones I chose were NOT on sale 50 percent off. He's like isn't that the way?

He's just so good to me. Even when I am not to him he is always so good to me.

Green.

Nailed it.

K said this to me last night.

"It's like you and J are in a relationship and you just don't know it".

My favourite Italian/Greek.

Hahahaha so this picture says "I have puppies not children because I'd rather ruin my carpet than my life".
And this is the conversation that followed. I actually just love him hahaha.

Relax.

I feel a little bit guilty for taking this morning off. I don't like taking days off. It's not in my nature to call in 'sick' for work when I'm not sick. I realized though that as a teacher, sometimes it is important to take mental health days. At about 2 yesterday afternoon I just hit a brick wall. I had zero patience, I was exhausted, felt like garbage. It's like in university I always got a cold for Christmas because I was pushing my body so incredibly hard for so long that the second I eased up, I was sick. I cannot afford to get sick right now. The next few weeks are going to be crazy. I need to start getting organized to move out etc.
The last few days other teachers have been taking a morning or afternoon or day off. We have interviews Thursday and Friday. Thursday will be the longest day ever because I teach all day then have FOURTEEN interviews from 4:30-8. I will be dead. This morning I am going to get a massage, get my eyebrows waxed and possibly get my nails done before I go to school this afternoon.
Sanity as a teacher is imperative. Relative sanity anyways, the more I think about it or speak with others about it, the more they say, "how do you do it? How do you spend 8 hours a day with 20 six year olds?" And some days I don't honestly know the answer.

Anomaly.

He is just so incredibly thoughtful and endearing that I cannot put it into words. He is the epitome of an anomaly. He is a pretentious asshole. His new bathroom has a toilet that has a remote control, bidet, like everything. It's beautiful. The granite floors are GORGEOUS and the tiling in his bathroom is absolutely stunning. He told me it took forever to find the tile because nothing matched his floor and he ended up spending way more than he wanted to but it is actually so incredibly beautiful; definitely worth it. His new "laundry room" is a full bedroom-sized closet with his washer and dryer, shelves for his shoes, all his suits hung beautifully, an island with drawers for his 'casual' clothes and a counter for him (by him, I mean his cleaning lady) to fold his clothes. He specifically said, "I put the washer and dryer in here so I can get away with calling it a laundry room instead of a closet".
When I walked in, I was expecting him to just hand me the jersey and be like see yaa. When I walked in, he's like "DUKE! Look who it is?!" I started to play with Duke and J starts walking up the stairs but pauses and says "you can leave your boots on".  I was just playing with Duke and J was staring at me and I'm like are you waiting for me to follow you and he's like yes! Come upstairs!
 After he showed me his jerseys I'm like are you sure it's okay I take this one? He's like of course!
So we go downstairs and he's telling me all about his renovations. When we went upstairs, he says, "oh I forgot. Remember when you asked me to save wine corks for you? I have been." I find this incredibly endearing because he's a man and men are completely oblivious and I asked him like three months ago to save them for me.
I think the best part of J is that he genuinely cares about me. He lets me into his world. He lets me into his brain and he shows me a part of him that he doesn't show others. He was so incredibly proud when he was showing me his renovations. It was a genuine pride. It's so rare that people genuinely care about others but he does and he makes it so clear that he does. He is just such a good person.
I love that he is a pretentious asshole who chirps me with his wit and at the same time is genuinely concerned about my well-being as a person who offers a kindness that leaves me speechless. He is intelligent and educated both academically and in life experience. He makes me laugh.  He's ambitious and well-dressed and values people. And I value everything about him.

What a darling.

On a scale of 1 to adorable, he gave me a tag-on, never-been-worn Italy jersey to wear tomorrow.

So it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames.

I can make the bad guys good for a weekend.

I literally can't even.

His toilet has a remote control. Like are you kidding me.

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night.

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do.

Break your heart.

They just don't make men like you.

The other night I went to see him. I took him a bottle of wine for everything he does for me. I just wanted to say thank you.
We started talking and he's like how are you doing? He already knew the answer to the question but I think he was just trying to be supportive and ensure I knew he's here for me. So we talked a bit but I couldn't get into it because I knew that if I did I would've just broke down right there. In fact, I kind of abruptly left his office and when I got into my vehicle I burst into tears. I texted him when I got home and apologized for just leaving but I was going to burst into tears. All he said was, "B, it's okay to cry".

They must be.

"I believe that your soul and my soul are very old friends".

Joe Bastianich.

So last night I look at J and I was like do you know who Joe Bastianich is? He's like ya I hate that guy why? I was like are you sure it's not your goal in life to be him? J's like fuck no. People always say that. I'm like well you're a bald, Italian restauranteur who wears nice suits and kicks. He's like fuck off does he do that? I just died laughing.
J's like fuck T even said, "hey Joe" to me tonight when he walked in.
I found the entire situation quite humorous.

What a wonderful human.

I find it so incredibly endearing that after everything J always makes a conscious effort to say goodbye to me before he leaves work.
Tonight he was getting a drink and he's like, "B I'm..." And before he could even finish I said, "I know". He's says, "okay I just wanted to say bye to you now because I'm not coming back out here before I leave... Goodbye".
I just appreciate that type of thoughtfulness. I appreciate that he takes the time and more than anything, I guess I just really appreciate he cares.

The greatest shut down of all time.

What colour are your pants?

I love how he reacts when I stop by on days I don't work. I walked in today and he goes,"HI! How are you?!" His enthusiasm makes my heart melt because I know he cares. The first thing he does is ask what colour my pants are. Brown? Reddish brown? Maroon? haha yes they're maroon J. Okay then they work. CG and I are like what works? CG says like the shape works? He's like with your black jacket and boots. 

Then CG says is that all you came for? To ask us what colour your pants were? Bye!
So basically 10 minute conversation about my pants hahahah. I just love both of them.
Trust me to fall for a dude who dresses better than I do.

But I'm grateful.

I just don't know why he cares the way that he does.

J.

I don't honestly know what I'd do without him. He has been such a pillar of strength in the last 6 months. He is so incredibly supportive and I am so grateful for him.

How I feel today.

People disappoint you. I get that, I mean I kind of expect that. But what if you wake up one day and realize you're the disappointment.

Boys only want love if it's torture.

So it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames.

I've been there too a few times.

I heard that you've been out and about with some other girl. He said, "what you heard is true but I can't stop thinking 'bout you"

Got a blank space baby, and I'll write your name.

I've got a long list of ex-lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane. But you know I love the players and you love the game.

He's so Vancouver.

Everything and everyone here reminds me of him.

I deserve someone who willing to jump fences to be with me; not someone who's on the fence about being with me.

I ain't ever been a patient girl baby I ain't built like this. The way you're taking your time's got me jumping ship. I won't lie, let's call this what it is: an impatient girl waiting on an empty wish.
-Kate Voegele

exactly how I feel.

One day he's going to push the wrong button and I'm going to break. All I will have left to say is, "what the fuck do you want from me because I just don't understand?'

I was probably the toughest chapter to write.

So much for space kid.

I was supposed to be taking a break from him this week. I was going to take space and really think about what I want. The space was supposed to make him miss me. So how come I suck so much at taking space. He is on my mind all the time and it is so frustrating. Do boys feel like this? Do they spend time thinking about the future and the timing? Do the wake up in the middle of the night amd wish someone was next to them?

Even if it was only for a moment.

Inspiration.

Love kindness.

Love tap.

Tonight we were joking around about him being a tyrant and how he does annoying things to me and the other B says, if you really want to piss J off, just give him a hug. (He HATES when other people touch him and it makes me laugh so hard). And I was like pft, I just poke J in the ribs when I want to annoy him and he's like yeah I hate that even more! I laughed and I was like pft you do it to me. In fact you hit me sometimes. He's like it's just a love tap. I'm like oh ya thanks, J admits he beats me girls. At the same time, my heart sank a little because he wouldn't call it a love tap to anyone other than C.
Love tap me whenever you want, but amp up the love part.

The look on his face will forever be embedded in my memory.

J and I have been kind of off the last week or so. After we went car shopping things were kind of different. Not in a bad way just in an "I think we both realized the magnitude of that day". I'm happy he chose to spend his mom's birthday with me and I'm pretty sure it's been right around a year since she died.
I've had an overwhelming week with mom and school and I'm just exhausted. I am going away next weekend and I honestly cannot wait to have 3 days off.
Last night and today was interesting. Last night J made a point of being like, okay do you need to talk before I go. And I said no, I'm not emotionally stable enough for that right now. He said okay, well I'm around if you need. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that he knew I wanted to talk and he took the initiative to ask me at a reasonable time and I also appreciate that he accepted that I wasn't ready to talk and was supportive of me instead of pushing me. That speaks volumes of him and why I feel so strongly for him.
Today was a very special day for me. I feel so proud about my vehicle. I wasn't going to tell him, I was going to surprise him when I got to work and show him etc. but I couldn't wait. I texted him and said, Mr. B what are you doing right now? He said bicep curls. I died laughing as I thought he was completely kidding and he's like I know, futile right? I asked if he could spare 2 minutes, he said yes. I told him to look outside his house.
He opened the door with a look of complete surprise and genuine happiness. He said, "it's yours? Really?"  I said yep all mine. He said, "congratulations! I'm so happy for you. Come give me a hug! You have to take me for a spin!" I was waiting for him to get in and he's like no seriously, get your ass out of this car and give me a hug!
It was just one of those special moments. I didn't know how he'd react. I really didn't expect that. He was just so excited for me, with me. And it was so incredibly nice to feel that kind of support. (PS, I'm fighting back tears writing this.. pathetic, I know). It was the type of moment I'll never forget.

This is my new baby.

This is why I'm proud of myself.

Pride.

LG just said to me, you're so grown up. I'm proud of you. And I said I'm proud of me too.
I think that's such a funny thought. Pride in one's self. It's not like I haven't accomplished a lot in life or like I don't value a lot of the things I've done in life and the choices I've made but I don't know if I've ever really thought to myself, I'm really proud of myself. In a genuine and honest and truly pride in myself type way.

In sickness and in health.

"Few people have the grace to suffer well."

Why am I so afraid to be vulnerable?

Yesterday was emotional. It was long and tough and I sat in the Okotoks Chrysler parking lot bawling for awhile. I cried pretty much the whole way back to Calg to the gym. I was talking to J and he was lovely as usual. Then last night we talked about his mom and my mom. 

It's tough because I feel guilty bringing it up to him even though he's told me he's here for me. I hate it though because I know it cannot be easy for him to talk about but he does for me. He is really open with me about how he feels since he lost his mom. He tells me things he regrets. It's nice to see that side of him but it's tough because I don't know if I want him to fully see that vulnerable side of me. It kills me to have anybody perceive me as weak. And I don't know why I think that when it comes to me, vulnerability = weakness. I encourage everyone else to be open and to let it out but I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm not allowed to be vulnerable or to break. I always ensure people view me as the strong one. It's not even that I care if they think I'm strong, it's more that I'm terrified for people to perceive me as weak. I have been through so much in my life that I know I'm stronger than most people. I know that I am strong.  I have such an irrational fear of being perceived as broken but I am. I am so broken. I think we're all broken. We're bent and bruised with cracks and fragments of who we once were. But we're also an opportunity for what we can be. I truly believe we learn from every experience in our life and I believe that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. While I don't think it's fair and I pray often for things to just be easier for once, to go my way, I know that there's a lesson He's trying to teach me. Let me grow. Let me learn. Let me live. 

12.

I sent this to number twelve the other day with the caption, "thank you". He didn't respond.

dead weight.

This is such a stuck up thing to say but sometimes I think about people I went to high school with that I thought were so cool and I wanted to be friends with them. I look at their Facebook and I honestly think to myself, "what was I thinking"? The other thing I think is, "I totally won". I think about what they are doing with their lives and for sure some of them are doing well and that's wonderful and sure they are married or have kids etc. But I actually think to myself like why was I such a bitch? Why did I want to be friends with these people who are literally doing nothing with their lives? They are still living in Red Deer. They have no degrees. They haven't travelled the world or done anything that I value. I just don't know how we were friends or why I wanted to be friends with these people. There is so much more I want from my life.
I deleted over 100 people from fb today and it felt so good. I'm not friends with them. I don't speak to them and I really don't care what they're doing in their lives so I don't need them having access to what's happening in mine.

There are no words, no explanation.

Sometimes, you just have to trust that God will guide you to exactly what and  who you need.

The absolute truth.

Unfortunately there is just no other way to put it and no way to explain or justify it. Life is just not fair sometimes.

I love this girl.

I don't know what to do.

The whole boss and having my heart thing is tough. It's really starting to get to me.

Show me off.

Both of his brothers called him while we were there in the hour that we were there. He didn't answer when T called first then he's so polite and was like do you mind if I call him back? I'm like no it's fine. Then when we were getting back to the dealership he's like TBM (his other brother) is calling, sorry! Both asked who he was with and T doesn't really know me but he said he was at Chrysler test driving vehicles. I think I've only met him like once or twice. And then TBM (the BM stands for boss man hahah) called and he said I'm just test driving a Jeep with B. I would give ANYthing to hear what TBM had to say about that. I'm sure that TBM isn't going to let that one go but I love that J wasn't ashamed to say he's with me. That type of thing is really important to me. It would probably be easier for both of us if he didn't say something but I am happy he told TBM that.
I think that's something that is probably at the top of my list. I remember the first time I went to Jay's house TBM said something about my scar and I blamed J and J was so open and honest about it. He's like yeah she came over to see Duke.
I want to be with someone who is proud to be with me, someone who wants to tell people he's spending time with me. I never want to be with someone who is ashamed of me.

This.

Silly boy.

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We are so funny.

It's scary to say out loud because it makes it real.

I just want this so unbelievably bad.

Love Jimmy!

"Thank you first dates... or as I like to call you: lying contests".
-Jimmy Fallon

I am dying laughing right now.

I guess thank you pineal gland?

Know what's reaaaalllyyy annoying? When your body is so accustomed to waking up at 6am that you're wide awake Saturday at 6am.

This was pretty thoughtful.

I needed it.

Spent the night just chatting and hanging out. I was on the floor and we just enjoyed. It was nice.

Truth.

"It doesn't take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go."
-J.C. Watts

I see sparks fly whenever you smile.

I'm on my guard for the rest of the world but with you I know it's no good.

I feel like I'm finally ready.

Some days I'd like to know why I'm still single because I'm a fucking catch. As cocky as that sounds seriously I have a lot going for me. I have a full time job and a part time job on top of that. I have two university degrees that I completed at 22 years old. I am a great cook AND baker. I go to the gym regularly (with the exception of the last week and a half but tomorrow that will change). I am funny (probably not as funny as I think I am).
I am smart and fun and old and lame and kind and thoughtful.
I am trying to trust that the right person will come along at the right time but sometimes it's difficult. I feel like everyone else has that companion. And realistically I don't have that much spare time but I would make time. I would make sacrifices to be with someone I loved.
It took me so long to deal with the whole number twelve situation and the other day I actually was sitting there laughing at the idea of getting back together with him because I'm just so far beyond that. It's not what I want and I cannot believe I thought I did for so long. I want to be with someone new now. I want to feel those things again. I want to fall in love again.

Obsessed.

I am absolutely obsessed with Emma Watson's speech about gender equality to the United Nations. #heforshe

I thought I posted this conversation ages ago.

This is from when I went to Jasper and 5 days was the longest I hadn't seen him in months. In fact, I still think 5 days is the longest I haven't seen him in months. Last week I guess I saw him Saturday then Thursday. It's hard to not see him as much which is I think why I was so happy when he asked me to stay the other night because I'm never around anymore.
These are the ridiculous jokes we make but other days we have thoughtful conversations. That's what I want. Someone to challenge me that can also make me laugh.

JPB.

He melts my heart. On Thursday I went to do more work and have a glass of wine. I ended up staying for dinner and J brought my food out on a special plate and put a napkin on my lap. What a darling. Then he discounted my entire bill including my wine which they never do. On Friday at one point he looked at me and said, thank you for being you. As I was getting ready to leave and I said can I just go home and he's like can you just stay awhile? You're never here anymore. I thought that was pretty endearing.
Last night he went and met my dad when dad and brit came in. He knew I wasn't feeling well so shortly after they left he looked at me and said, "do you have any tables?" I said nope. He said okay go home. It was nice that he let me home and come back instead of staying the whole time.
I honestly just things to progress. I want him, so badly. I'm trying to trust life right now and time.

I just love him haha.

I'm 75 at heart really.

He didn't believe I was sick despite my chloreseptic, halls, oil of oregano, water, and hot lemon water. But he let me go home and come back to close instead of staying the whole time so that was nice.

Just call me Mrs. M. Mah.

I'm currently sitting in my bed drinking hot lemon water. Oh how life has changed.

What a brilliant speech.

"If not me, who?
If not now, when?"
-Emma Watson

Tennessee Williams.

When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably  selfish to be lonely alone.

Appreciation.

On Friday, when I walked into work, this is what was awaiting me. It was probably one of the nicest things anyone's done for me. This is one of, if not THE nicest bouquet of flowers anyone has ever given me. It was funny because I thanked T and he's like what? What flowers? Haha soo thanks J.
Girls were complaining too like oh they gave you those for your birthday? That was nice, I got an, "oh it's your birthday? Happy birthday".
I think J felt pretty guilty because Thursday night he's like soo what's the plan for tomorrow? I'm like what do you mean? I work from like 730-midnight? He's like but it's your birthday. I'm like J my birthday is today. He's like NO! It's tomorrow! LOOK! I put it in my phone! Haha he put the wrong day but it was very sweet he did.

Whirlwind.

Sooooo I got a full time job, J and T got me flowers for my birthday, I went to RC's funeral and sofaking hugged me and told me he missed me, RC's parents, sister and TC melted my heart. My life has been a WHIRLWIND.

Craaaayyyy.

WOW A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN MY LIFE SINCE I LAST BLOGGED.

There are no better words.

"I want to be with you, it is as simple, and as complicated as that."
-Charles Bukowski

I need an explanation.

I'm still pretty upset about last night. I am contemplating saying something today but I don't know if it's worth it. Right now I just don't know if I should say something from a calm mindset or just leave it alone. I am mostly frustrated because I used to feel incredibly appreciated by the boys but lately I just feel used. I don't understand why I'm working so hard. What do I get out of it? Why should I work so hard when I am getting paid the exact same as girls who are useless? Why should I sacrifice time with my mom, or building my career, or time for myself?

So this happened.

Life is unfair.

The other day HJR said to me B, I just feel like you've been through so much and I just want things to get easier. I want you to catch a break.
And that's exactly how I feel right now. I know that it will get me nowhere but I just want to have a pity party. I'm so tired of always being strong and always fighting through things. It's just bullshit. I just want things to go my way for once and not be hard all the fucking time.

Not long enough!

Tonight a girl said to me, "how long have you been here today?" I began to answer with, I don't know since... and J pipes up Not long enough!
I laughed and so did she. Realistically he's a little fucker but I love it and he makes me laugh.
Then later she was asking a question and J was like I don't know ask B. And so she asks and this girl R was like so basically B can you do everything?! And J walked away as she said it and I'm like what did you say? Would you like to repeat it louder?
Haha I think he saw it coming so he left. Still, love the little fucker.

The Secret.

I love him. I want to be with him. Forever.

Forever alone

A good friend of mine got engaged today. I'm incredibly happy for HJR but at the same time it was a shot to the heart. Sometimes I feel like I'll be alone forever.

Exhausted.

I have worked a disgusting amount this week. Friday to Sunday I worked over 30 hours and I was done before 8 today. Thursday I worked probably around 8-9 and Wednesday I worked around 6. Since Wednesday, I've made over a grand in tips alone.

New date night.

Today KR came up to me and was like so are tou J's date Wednesday? And I'm like what? His date for what? She's like he got invited to the grand opening of Nordstorm's. I'm like oh no I work Wednesday. She's like oh are you sure? I'm like yep. She's like oh I told him he should take me but he said he had a date so I assumed it was you. I was like oh nope, I close Wednesday probably. And she's like ugh.
So I texted J from like 3 feet away like I heard we have a date Wednesday? Good to know! He's like what? She already said something to you?! I'm like yeeep.
So tonight we're talking about it and I'm like why would she immediately assume it was me? He's like it was literally 4 minutes since her and I talked about it before you texted me so she must've b-lined it to you immediately.
I was just like I would never tell her if I was because she'd punch me in the face probably and yell at you excessively. He's like goooood point.
He's like we still have date night tuesday though right? I'm like date DAY! He's like oh right, 24 hour Tuesday date!
Anyways, I am happy J has a date but I wish it were me. It is difficult for me because I really do have feelings for him. I think I just am really tired of being alone and tired of not being with him. I want J. End of story. I want all of his insecure fucked up plethora of issues. I want his incredibly frustrating moodiness and I want his ability to make me laugh at any second. I want his effort to cheer me up when he knows up not at the top of my gsme and his concern for my well-being. I want him. I could list all the things I love about him but it's simple: I want him
  Every part of him.

Love that man, actually.

The other night I'm standing in the back and J says to me, "I really want to spank you right now." I'm like hahaha you always say that. He's like I know I can't help it, I just want to... one day I'm going to and you're like going to punch me. And I'm like no I'll probably be in shock and eventually laugh.
I honestly just want him to one day... next time I'm going to just stick my ass out and be like hit me baby! Hahahahaha kid is such a goof.

Overwhelmed.

ZG said it best yesterday, "he's the reason I made it off the ledge and it breaks my heart that no one could do that for him."
If you have ever suffered from depression you understand the immensity of that comment.

Numb.

My best friend from high school was TC. We were inseparable so much so that people thought we were dating. We spent every day together before and after school. I stayed at his house, we'd watch movies just us two and I was close with his family. On Tuesday, his little brother killed himself. And honestly I'm numb. I don't know how to react because I have nothing left inside of me to react.
Suicide is always so near and dear to my heart because I've been there. I tried to commit suicide more than once so when I heart about it, it pinches a special nerve.
The most horrible part of an atrocious situation is that his girlfriend CW found him, and her little brother, KW, killed himself a year and a half ago.

Love me, please.

Sometimes I get disheartened. Jealous. I am sad because everyone here is with someone. They have a partner, they're in love. Lonely. That epitomizes how I feel. I wish that I had someone here with me that loved me and wanted to make my life easier.
T didn't come with B because he's away working but she has J. B and C are here with their kids, all my cousins are married except one that I hate. I just wish that someone were here to be with me. I think that the appeal of M is that he was physically next to me. It was a friendship but he was physically near me when I needed him to be.
J is different. I feel for him, strongly. There is an emotional bond there and it frightens me.
Right now I feel so pathetic because I am laying in my bed alone blogging about how lonely I am.
I want someone to love me wholly, unconditionally. That's something I value immensely in a relationship and something I think was lacking in number twelve's love for me. When he realized that I wasn't perfect, he loved me less; or differently at the very least. My love hasn't changed for him and I doubt that it ever will because when I think about sunshine, I still love him too. That's something about me. I love unconditionally. When I love someone, I love all of them, even the ugly parts, especially the ugly parts. I value that type of love because that's how my mother loves. She loves all the way. And it's difficult for me because sometimes it takes me awhile to love, my love grows slowly. But when I love you, I love all of you and I will for the rest of my life. And that's what I want. I want to be loved. I want to fall in love again.

Divine Timing.

Divine timing in an incredible thing. This morning I was dreaming about mom and everything that's going on and all of us girls were sitting on a couch talking about her and she looked at me and she said, "it's okay now. I'm ready to go whenever it happens". Before I could say a word, my niece woke me up.

Pleaseeeee stop.

I love DVZ to death but every day she asks about my mom and how I'm doing and I know her heart is in the right place but seriously it just fucks with me. Like you just make me think about it and I don't always want to. This morning I got up had a great workout and then I received that text. It's just annoying. I hate being patronized. That's what I meant the other day. That's why I texted J about mom because he just asked me about it and let me talk about it and his version of sympathy is I know that's shitty but don't let it change your relationship etc. He gives advice instead of being like I am so sorry B.

I hope you get lonely tonight.

If you've got a bottle you ain't opened yet and am empty spot beside you in your bed, if you've got some room for a little regret let me know girl, I've already left.

I want you.

Lately a lot has been coming up about putting what you want out to the universe. Thinking positive thoughts and put what you want out to the world instead of what you don't want. It's terrifying and overwhelming but I will say that I know what I want. I want him. I want J. All of him. All of it with him.

I can be your hero.

Friendship.

Last night I was talking to M and his sister was getting rushed to the hospital because she stopped breathing and I was like oh my gosh that sounds like my week! So I asked if there was anything I could do for him and he said tell me absolutely everything you're thinking about right now. And I was like honestly? He's like yes everything. So I did. I told him I was thinking about teaching and my mom and I was finally over my ex and I had been thinking about him (M) earlier in the afternoon but I didn't want to annoy him.
He was a little bit taken aback I think but he was so good about all of it. He was just like I'm sorry about your mom but she knows you're doing everything you can for her and teaching will sort itself out when you're ready. He told me he was jealous of my realization of being over number twelve because he wasn't over his ex after 2 years now. I remember him talking about it the night we got shitfaced and it's clear he loves her still. I told him I love his honesty and I admire his courage in telling me the truth. Neither of us are looking for a relationship with one another but I value that he was so honest about not fucking with my head and was just genuinely like I'm not over her yet. I respect that so much.

Maybe your best friend can be your soulmate.

If you won't save her, please just take her.

J is honestly the best thing for me right now. This morning I texted him and I was like I just need to tell someone who isn't going to patronize me. And I love my friends and I am grateful for their support but most of them have never been in a situation where their parent is facing a terminal illness. They haven't felt what it feels like to know your parent is going to die and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. And I think that it's just nice to talk to him about it because he treats me normal. He knows me well enough to know that I will talk about it when I want to talk about it. When I gave him an update he just went straight into conversation about it rather than being like, "I don't know what to say" or "I'm sorry". I think that as much as I love people caring about me it's like that added line just doesn't help. I recognize that you cannot do or say anything to make me feel better. In fact, I cannot do or say anything to make myself or my mom feel better. That's all I want, is for her to not suffer. And I want her to recognize that her death is imminent.

In this moment now: capture it, remember it.

I think that I know the engagement ring that I want but as I think about it, I think I'd rather marry someone who chose one that I loved without me approving it first. I want to spend my life with someone who knows me well enough to know what I love without asking me about it.
I think it's interesting as we age, how much our perspective changes. This week has been an interesting one for me. After I found out about everything with mom, a part of me wanted to tell number twelve about all of it. Not in the way that I wanted him or needed him to do anything or try and fix it but because I felt like he deserved to know. If it were his mother, I'd want to know. I was partially afraid because I don't feel what I used to feel for him. A significant part of what is difficult about the situation with him is that I spent so long convincing myself and everyone else that we were meant to be together when a part of me knew that we weren't. I couldn't admit that to other people though. I couldn't admit it to myself because otherwise, what was I doing other than being ridiculous for 3 and a half years after we broke up.
A part of it was youth, immaturity. I can see now how many of the characteristics that I desire in a husband he was lacking. That's not to say he isn't a great person and won't make a great husband to somebody one day but not my husband.
When I had him call me the other day, the first time was humorous. I didn't answer because I was at the gym and Single Ladies by Beyonce was on. I mean that's pretty funny. The next time he called, he sounded put off by the fact I'd asked to call him. I'm not entirely sure why, to my understanding we weren't on poor terms. I think for both of us, being involved in one another's lives stirs up a lot of emotion and a lot of hurt which is understandable considering the years of dissidence we spent. When I answered the phone he was basically like what. What do you want?
Immediately, my guard went up because I was calling him out of a genuine love, not an attempt to hurt or a request for anything. I said I don't want or need anything from you. I was calling you as a courtesy but if you don't want to hear it that's fine by me.
I think he was a little taken aback because it's not like me in our relationship in the last few years to just stand up like that. When I told him, I think he was taken aback. He was speechless and I mean that's understandable because there is literally nothing anyone can do or say to make it better. He asked a little bit about her cancer and a piece of my heart broke when he asked me how I was doing with all of it because I know our love was real. We talked for 10 minutes just catching up and he asked me to have coffee or something next time he's home. I said I had to go to work now so see you later.
I think it was one of those moments where I realized that I wasn't "OH MY GOSH I AM SO HAPPY HE CALLED" and "I MISS HIM SO MUCH" so it was difficult to process. It was closure in a way because I realized that yes we loved one another but I have finally moved on.

Surreal.

Can I just say how fucked up it is to not be going back to school?

That man.

Tonight he came into work because T texted him and was like I might need you to come in. So as soon as I saw him I was like didn't you wear that yesterday? He's like shut up I didn't really have time to think about it before I came.
I kind of laughed because it really wasn't that busy so I found it humorous he was even there. As I was standing at the posi tonight he came really close to me and so I looked at him puzzled and said what are you doing? He's like I reallllyyy wanted to smack your bum just now. I laughed, I'm like oh like you smacked my arm the other night? He's like yep, exactly!
He was incredibly flirty tonight and I loved it. When I walked around the corner he was like I was just coming to find you to say goodbye! I'm like oh now we're saying goodbye again?
I love that he thinks of me. That honestly means more to me than anything.

I find solace in him.

Last week we found out that mom was basically palliative and I didn't find out until I was at work. After I had spent 2 days at the hospital with her then heard that news I was, not surprisingly, in a less than peachy mood. J knew something was up but it was clearly the middle of revenue and we were kind of busy. So I'm standing at the posi and he smacked my arm so hard. Like he wound up and whacked it open-palm right on my shoulder. I'm like what was that for? He's like I just wanted to. I'm like oh well that's nice thanks. He's like well actually, I'm really jealous of your shoulders. I was like my shoulders? He's like you have such nice definition of your shoulders. In my head I was like what a weird compliment but I was just like uhh thanks I think. 

Before he left he kind of called me into his office and was like are you okay? I just said no. He's like okay well come talk about it. So we talked in his office about his mom and my mom and we had a really good conversation about things. He really opened up. 

After I left that night I found out that my sister called him. She asked him to take care of me and make sure I was okay. I texted him and I was like you're such a brat! Why didn't you tell me? Him and I spoke afterwards and he was even more open and he repeatedly told me he's here for me and he understands better than anyone. 

He has a point and I find solace in the fact that he has recently gone through a similar experience because he can understand it. 

Precisely.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Today was a weird day. Lunch was fucked at work. We got just fucking pumped so hard! Tonight was kinda slow, at least for a Friday night... but I suppose in all fairness it is a long weekend so it wasn't too bad considering.
It was kind of funny because before he left JC was like B, you and J should come on a double date tonight to Metric with us. I'm like too bad we both work tonight and I close. I'm like you should've told me earlier and I could've had somebody else close. He's like aw come on J can pull some strings.
Then I said to J, JC just invited us on a double date with him tonight...good idea considering we will both be at work. J was like it's not even that.. I wouldn't go because she's a stupid whore and I hate her. Hahaha I'm happy he wasn't like I would never go anywhere with you.

Then tonight he didn't say goodbye before he left and in my head I was like what a dick because usually he comes and says goodbye and blows me kisses and makes sure I don't need anything before he leaves. So like an hour or so after he left, I looked at my phone and there's a text from him, "bye!" Haha I laughed because he always gets so mad when people he really likes don't say goodbye and I was like yeah rude I was just thinking about that.
I love that he thought about me enough to text me after he left.

Elaborate tomorrow.

My sister called J tonight.

Tuesdays.

So the running joke is that J and I spend Tuesdays in bed all day together so last night when he was leaving I was like okay byeeee see you Wednesday! He's like do you have tomorrow off? I was like of course I do. He says so what are we doing? I laughed and said I don't know what are we doing tomorrow. He says well I have lots of errands to do during the morning. I'm buying a chandelier and a new washer and dryer and blah blah. And I said well I am going to RD but I'll be back in the evening. He's like PERFECT we can use my new washer and dryer for the sheets.
As he said that, the 17 year old hostess who already thinks we are actually sleeping together walked by with a bit of a stunned/ horrified look on her face
J looks at me as I burst out laughing and he's like she totally just heard me say that didn't she. And I was like yep and walked away.
It was hilarious because I think this girl genuinely believes we are sleeping together and that's why we joke about it when in reality the polar opposite is true... if I were sleeping with J I would compose myself in an extremely different manner towards him at work.

This type I suppose.

What type of persom lies awake at 430 in the morning thinking about what they would say about their mother in her eulogy.

Ugh.

If I could sleep through the night like even once a week that'd be cool.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

If you won't save her, please just take her.

-God Went North by Nothing More

Melt my heart.

When I got to work today, J looked at me and he asked how I was. I said fine. He's like, are you sure? I had to look away because I thought that I was going to cry. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start bawling at work. He said I was soo worried about you B!
All night he was being so nice and trying to make me laugh so I appreciate that because it's just so endearing.

Let it hurt, let it bleed, let it take you right down to your knees.

Sometimes the only way around it is to let love do its work,
and let it hurt.

How do you watch the strongest person you've ever known die?

I might be okay but I'm not fine at all.

Emotions.

I basically just spent the entire drive back here crying and when I got home I sat on the couch with my blanket and bawled for a solid hour in an ugly-cry-sound-like-a-man type of way. I just don't know what else to do.

#embarrassing.

So I guess like starting to cry on the phone when you're talking to your boss is cool.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.

And there you are on your knees,
begging for forgiveness, begging for me: just like I always wanted.

I see sparks fly whenever you smile.

I am lonely. Or maybe I'm not lonely. I think I am just ready to be with someone. I don't think it's so much a loneliness as it is a longing for contact. A longing for closeness.
For so long I never let anybody in and I never let myself want to have anybody around. I was perfectly content with being alone because I believed so strongly in the possibility of number twelve and I getting back together. And now I don't. I thought that it would be more difficult to say that or to write about it but it's not. It simply is.
I am terrified with my feelings for J because I don't know if I am really falling for J or if I'm falling for the idea of J. He is a phenomenal human being. I'm captivated by him, I really am. But I am terrified of how he makes me feel.
He knows that I'm wrapped around his finger and he can use it to his advantage. I don't like that.
I know that he genuinely cares about me and I think that he has feelings for me too but I don't know if he would ever act on them. We are both so cautious, so logical and rational. We understand the excess of consequences that would follow any sort of interaction. I mean people already think we're sleeping together.
I am trying so hard to let time run its course but I fear that one day I'm just going to snap and be like, what the fuck do you want from me? 

Silly boy give me back my heart.

J gave me the safe code last night. That honestly seems so silly but after the day I had yesterday, validating how much he trusts me was really nice and I needed it.

Because that could only happen to me.

I got locked INSIDE work last night.

Your life would suck.

He came up to me tonight in the middle of revenue, graised my arms and says, "what would I do without you?" Now normally I wouldn't think anything of this, but he despises when people touch him. It gave me chills and still does because he doesn't do that ever. I just want this so immensely that every single fibre of my being tingles.

This reminds me of you.

"So avoid using the word very, because it's lazy. A man is not very tired. He is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys -- to woo women-- and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do."
- Robin Williams, Dead Poet's Society

Can you teach me how to milk a cow?

On ANOTHER note, I fucking love J. I fall harder and harder for him every single day. Yesterday, I asked if I could bring my sister in for a glass of wine and dessert because she was in Calg and he said yes! I'll even sit her in treehouse so she can put her foot up.
The fact that he is so thoughtful honestly blows my mind. When we got there he came and pulled up a chair and sat down beside me for like 10 minutes. I have never seen him sit down at a table with any other employee or their family when they are there. He sits down when he talks to his friends or family but that's it. He didn't even sit down with K for her birthday.
He sat down and spoke with B and I about lots of things. I loved it. Then before he left, he made me a latte then came and said goodbye.
I am so happy that B met him. I am happy that she got to see why he makes me so very giddy. She was like he's nervous around you. You guys flirt and it's cute. I was happy she noticed. She pulled out her psychology and was like his body language said this, this and this and I just laughed.
Today he seemed kind of grumpy and then he was actually not grumpy he's like SO and he tells me that KR the psycho girl we work with who's in love with him found out about B (her best friend who has hooked up with J). And he's like I can't wait to hear what she has to say! I'm going to tell her I'm sleeping with you and that you are a FREAK in bed hahahaha.
I just died laughing I'm like okay J that's going to go over well. May as well just tell her that you slept with both of us at the same time and she wasn't invited.

Fun for now.

So Thursday night, well technically Friday morning I slept with M. I was so incredibly late to meet him for a drink. I felt so bad! When I got there, I had a glass of wine. Then I had 3 or 4 more hahaha. Eventually we left and went to his home when The Keg was closing. We just spoke for hours and then we made out and things progressed hahaha then we went to bed and then in the morning it was honestly just wonderful. We just lied in bed and talked and cuddled and he kissed my neck and my head and played with my hair. We fooled around and he was just fun.
We talked about how neither of us wanted a relationship nor did we want to ruin work for me and being a patron for him. So we just said we'll hang out and be friends and just kind of whatever.
I am not sure how I am at a place where I'm okay with this but I am. I actually am good with just hooking up with him. I don't think it would be fair to him to progress further because I have feelings for J. That's where my heart is so it is what it is with M. I don't want to date M anyways to be perfectly honest. I mean I like him but I'm just not at a place where I want to party every weekend and during the week sometimes too. I also don't know that I want to date someone who's 22 and clearly not at a point where he wants to settle down.

Enough said.

What an interesting few days.

What a ridiculous notion.

Girls are crazy. Actually. Last night before J left I was like wait! So he did and I was like this is just cynical I just wanted to tell you I don't work tomorrow because you're going home. He's like rude! Now I'm definitely going home! He's like by the way did you hear we planned our day off together?

I was like what do you mean? 

He's like girls asked if we both have Tuesdays off for a reason so I was like yeah we just spend the wholeeeee day in bed. 

I died laughing. Like I didn't even really think about the fact that we had the same day off let alone plan it. 

The Keg.

So I guess I'm going for a drink with M tonight so we'll see how that goes. DVZ thinks I should wear a dress but I think that's too much. I'm probably going to wear like jeans and a blazer or my leather jacket. I don't know I feel like a dress is a bit much for drinks. I would like to wear heels but I don't think he's that much taller than me so we'll skip it.
I am not sure how I feel about it because I like talking to him and he makes me laugh but he's 22 and likes partying every single weekend. That's not where I'm at and I know it. I also have more than significant feelings for J so that's why I am just going into this with like an open mind.
It might be fun and I have never really gone on a date before with someone that wasn't number twelve. Like I guess with sunshine and sofaking and TC but I don't know if I'd really classify those as dates. I mean at the time I had no idea those were dates.
I am nervous for that part and like what if he tries to kiss me. Like there are so many awkward possibilities. And I am awkward as fuck.

The man who melts my heart.

J melted my heart today.
I went and spoke to him in the office and apologized. He's like B don't apologize! I was like but I feel bad I just kind of snapped and I had a minor meltdown and I'm sorry for projecting it to you, that wasn't fair. He's like well who else has cancer? And I was like one of my dad's best friends and mom is just not doing well at all. And he's like I've been there and I was like I know. He's like well you know I'm here.
Then he's like so who are we texting?! I'll give you my phone and I'll take yours and we can send out messages! It will be so fun! I will text everyone in your phone that you're pregnant! I'm like oh nice, my grandma will take that well!
We continued chatting but I mostly love how he was so supportive then knew that it was work and he needed to cheer me up in a flash so my whole night wasn't ruined.

Random!

So I guess I'm going to meet M tomorrow for a drink?

To every person who's ever thought I'm just a nosy, controlling bitch:

"Virgo might try to analyze and control a friend's life but only with the idea that they will improve their life, not purely for the sake of controlling. Be patient with your Virgo friend and understand that their recommendations are only to make your life better."

I'm captivated by you baby like a fireworks show.

I have been reading about Cancers. It's very interesting to me. The more I think about J's birthday, the more I read that makes sense. I mean when I asked if he wanted me to come over to see Duke he was like, "of course!" And same later on that evening when I was like yeah we're just going to come have a glass of wine and he's like YES! I will even come get you if you can't drive.
The more I read about the Cancer male, the more it says you have to make the first move. That's a really big step for me because I am NOT the type to make a move. EVER. But the more I think about it and the more I think about him, it makes sense. It also discusses slowing earning their trust and building a friendship first. All of this epitomizes J.
I think about the way he is sometimes. Last night he was flirting so hard. He hates when people touch him so sometimes I poke his hips just for fun when he isn't looking. Yesterday, we honestly ran into each other or tripped over one another like 4 times and I was like get out of here. And he's like nope I'm the boss and started to gently push me out of the way while continuing to tell me he can go wherever he wants because he's the boss and I will move for him.
I just find him mesmerizing. He captivates me. I cannot fully verbalize the way he makes me feel.

Vacation.

I've been thinking about going to Mexico or someone tropical for a week by myself.

The secret.

They say you're supposed to tell the world exactly what you want. If you put out to the world what you want, you'll get it. Generally, this isn't something I do often. I don't often request things and I never demand things from the world. But I deserve this, so I'm going to say it. I want J. I want him and I want a life with him. That's what I want most in life right now. Not a man, not a relationship. J. I specifically want a relationship with J.

Of course I noticed your shoes.

Tonight he was standing beside me and his lifted his pant leg a little and pointed his shoe at me, like look! I was like J I already noticed you were wearing brown shoes and you already know how much I love them. He's like but did you notice I polished them?! I laughed. He's like CG wouldn't take them to get polished so T bought me a polishing kit so at 1:30am last night that's what I did!

Today was a hit.

He was so charming and flirty today. I absolutely loved it. I feel like I rarely ask the universe for anything but I want this. It terrifies me to admit it, but I really want this. I really want him. And I feel like I deserve this.

It's in the stars.

Last night was kind of weird. J and ER and I were talking and he said something about himself and I was like yeah, but you're a Cancer right? And he's like yes, is that typical of them? I'm like yes. He's like tell me more!
Hahaha it was probably kind of creepy because I actually knew SO much about them because YESTERDAY morning I had read about him because I was curious. As I was explaining to him lots of the things about Cancers' that are common, he was like I'm learning so much about myself from you!
ER's like do me next! I was like when's your birthday, she's like September: I'm a Virgo. I'm like oh fuck I can tell you everything about yourself I'm a Virgo too.

I still believe the best walk you'll ever take is walking down the aisle.

I still believe in fairytales
I still believe in picking flowers
I still believe in getting lost in someone's eyes and talking for hours
I still believe in shooting stars
I still believe in midnight drives and butterflies right before you kiss for the very first time

Love, how many times can my heart break
Love, how much weight can a soul take
Love, I don't know where you ran off too
But, love, love, love: I still believe in you.

Why do I have to be so inside my head.

I wish I knew what his situation with B was. Like I know she gets around but I wonder if they're still sleeping together. He has her dog right now because she's in Vegas and I just wonder what their sitch is.

Search cancer virgo horoscope pairings.

I hope he's falling for me the way I'm falling for him.

Hit or miss.

We are so alike in so many ways. And I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy but I cannot be the only one who feels the way that I do. I'm terrified that I am. I over-analyze and I have 1000 theories and rationalizations.
But then tonight they were trying to hook him up with a girl and he's like no. And they're like she's your type and he's like ya she is my type but it's awkward.
I just don't know where he's at. Some days he's so incredibly interested and other days you'd think he could care less. And I know that's typical of cancer men, the moodiness and abundance of emotions. It's difficult for me though because my head is over thinking everything that my heart is telling me to overlook.

Nice guys finish last too.

Today was nice. He told me about how his day started to cheer me up this morning. So 8am, this guy who used to work there that got fired texted J and was like it's your fault I can't make rent this month. I'm just a single dad trying to make ends meet. I know that you help other people out, I cannot believe you won't help me. And I'm the best chef and you're loosing out.
I don't know specifically what he said to this guy but to me J was like how is any of this my fault? I gave you 600$ last month like ? You had 4 weeks to figure out how to make ends meet? And I know you smoke and drink.
I felt bad for J. It really bothers me the way that people treat J sometimes and the way that they expect stuff from him because he has money. I don't understand how that makes him
I said to him that I thought it was unfair that this guy was saying these things to him because I feel like if I went to J and was like J, I really need your help with __________. And I said that to him, I was like I feel like if I came to you in a respectful and responsible way, you'd help me out. J was like ABSOLUTELY I would. I would do whatever I could to help you.
And I think that's what makes it tough. That's why it bothers me that people expect stuff from him. I mean I would have to be in an incredibly terrible place to ever approach him to borrow money or something like that. I cannot even imagine a situation in which I'd do that. But the fact that he would, is what makes him so incredible. Nice guys finish last. He's nice and unfortunately, people take advantage of him for it too. And in his case, he ends up financially getting screwed a lot of the time.