Best person I know.

Tonight I had a bit of a breakdown in class. Remind me to talk about it tomorrow and remind me to say once again how incredible MV is. 

It's okay to let go and move on. You're worth it.

As I reread my last post, I thought to myself you are cheating, it is emotional cheating. I also realized that it's okay for me utilize the friendships I have in my life. It's okay to appreciate those people and rely on their strength during my weakness. I know that people have used my strength during their weaknesses so what makes me so special that I shouldn't rely on other people.
Perfection is in my nature. Idyllic dreams and overachievement and high expectations have driven my life for so long. And yes, while these are a part of who I am, they are not all that I am. I am not better than other people. I always tell other people to rely on me but I never really rely on them. Relying on MV and TT has changed my entire concept of friendship in the last week. MV shows me every single day the way that a boy man should treat me. Every single day he shows me that I deserve better and that it's okay to have people in your life that support you and believe in you and strive to be a part of your happiness.
I'm not cheating on getting over the last six years. I'm finally utilizing supports that actually work. I'm taking steps to put myself first and infusing people who support me every day to move on and life my life. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss number twelve because I absolutely do, every single day. But I don't feel broken anymore. I don't feel fragile. I don't feel like at any given moment if the wrong song comes on, or I watch the wrong movie, or see the wrong person that my entire world is going to come crashing down. I feel like I'm going to be okay this time.

Is emotional cheating a real thing?

I think I'm cheating. I mean in the sense that I'm basically having an emotional relationship with someone so I don't think about number twelve as much. I mean MV does everything for me. I talk to him most of the day. He cooks for me. We drink really good wine together. He's who I rely on at any moment I feel weak about number twelve. The best part is that I usually do something slutty and seriously regret it the next day and I'm embarrassed and angry at myself etc. But sleeping with him isn't even really something I'd want to consider. I mean he's wonderful, yes I don't have bad things to say about him. But he's not the boy I'm going to end up with so why waste my time ruining a friendship with someone I actually trust and respect? I also usually end up feeling like I've cheated on number twelve. But this time I don't feel like I've cheated on him, I feel like I'm cheating on the whole getting over the last six years. I don't even have to commit to a relationship or tell someone about myself and my history; I just have someone there every day who treats me well and does nice things for me.

But actually.

I'm seriously considering asking him to marry me and maintain an open relationship. 

Love those four.

Okay I feel a little bit bad about this but fuck it was funny. Last night MV went and hung out with K after work instead of us and my comment was "guaranteed after she goes home, he'll call me" which he absolutely did. So he walks in and MS and I looked at each other and both started fucking killing ourselves laughing. His shirt looked like it belonged to my niece. It was so small for him like beyond tight shirt Tuesday tight. So obviously we made fun on him a bit. And it was all in good fun. But he went back to his house to get something and when he came back I once again looked at MS and was like how much you want to bet he changed? He's like no way, no way. So he walks around the corner and I start laughing again because he did in fact change his shirt because we were giving him so much razz. And honestly he's like fuck I knew you would notice B. And I just laughed.

I have been an alcoholic lately but fuck I love those guys. MS and AL and MV and TT are just my lifesavers these days. 

Cheer up kiddo.

I just got a pretty nice compliment. I don't always know how to take work compliments. I was told that during revenue MM (aka owner of our mox) only has 3 potential servers in the entire place. I knew who the first was immediately. I have served him multiple times so I wondered if I was two (I was). I asked who three was. We don't even have a three anymore because KD is gone because she had a baby. That is a hugeeee compliment. I don't really feel appreciated most days, but that was definitely one.