he's probably going to try and shove chill pills in my mouth soon.

hoolyy today was gaysauce and a half. first i woke up in cold sweats and had to open the window at 3am. then when i finally got up i felt absolutely awful. but me being my procrastinating self got the please of studying all day for my psych midterm. oh did i mention ltl and ce trying to convince me all day to convince 'the devil' to go to the hockey game. don't worry guys, i got this. and then i got to write my midterm. and watch an educational movie, you know the ones.. it was better than most i might add, my prof is pretty tight being it was HIS movie. and then he let us go over an hour early. but me leaving early meant coming home to ce and ltl again trying to convince me to convince her. when i finally did then i got the pleasure of trying to write a paper on an article i really was not interested in and had no idea how to do. love those. then daddy got angry because i spend to much money.. well he's right and i hate admitting that. but i just really enjoy chilling with the crew. anyways hopefully tomorrow goes better. 6am will come early but at least i'll have something to look forward to. i don't even mind that i have to drive all the way home then all the way to edmonton. i can had a killer jam sesh alone with my new cds and then ltl can bring his new cd and sing to me and then hockey and perhaps partying. oh how i long for tomorrow. 

i wish i knew what i wanted.

ugh.
how can i stay up until 2 in the effin morning talking to ltl when i have to be up at 630.
why do i do these things that i do to myself.
i'm so flustered. i have no idea what i want. i mean i want someone. someone that i can talk to on demand at any hour of any day and tell them absolutely anything. like the fact i set off the smoke detector last night, or that i don't feel very good, or that i really want to go to the hockey game on thursday. like before. and that's all i miss about the friendship with sunshine. i just get so frustrated. i mean i love talking to ltl and he makes me smile and laugh when i'm in the worst possible mood. like driving drunks and he just pokes me or sings to me or looks at me and i can't help but smile. and then i think about what i miss the most right now and number twelve comes to mind. he just ugh. i was his everything. and he wanted me to be his everything. and now that i want to give it a real chance, it's just too late. too much has changed. he lives and hour and a half away and he is so happy. he just loves partying and he has girls flocking to him, like they always were, and he's actually trying in school. and he's just grown up and changed and i'm so proud of him. and i really wish that he knew that. but i threw away my chance. i threw it away and i have to live with that. i have to live with the fact he ignored so many girls and so many opportunities to hook up and gain notches on the belt because he wanted me. he changed for me. but he was still himself. and i just am so confused as to what i want. i don't think i really even want a boy. i think i just want someone to cuddle with. or someone to just listen at any time. i just really like don't know what i need. i don't know what i want. i am enjoying life. maybe i feel like there should be a boy in my life because everyone else thinks there should be. because everyone else wants a boy, needs a boy. i've never been the girl to need someone. and last time i did, it broke my heart. and then i did it again, and i pushed him away and broke his. like what the hell am i doing with myself. why do i have to ruin these things. throw away the people i care about.
i don't know what i want. and i don't feel better.

don't forget to look before you fall.

i'm on the edge, on the edge of everything. holdin' my head, holdin' my head for something. something you told me when you knew you had my heart. i took a chance, i didn't cry, i loved you baby; so i believed a lie. i, i believed that i could land on my feet but i, i just fell into water too deep, too deep.
you jump then fall, you thought you had it all; you thought you could stand tall, you jump then fall.
i never knew how something that seemed so true could be so false. and i felt like i could die when you didn't catch me. i fell through your arms into a strange world of deceit and harm. i was so innocent till you left. and then all that I had was the burned bridge. and my last breath.
you jump then fall, you thought you had it all; you thought you could stand tall. you jump then fall.

every time you smile, i smile. and every time you shine, i'll shine for you.

i realize your laugh is the best sound i have ever heard
i like the way i can't keep my focus
i watch you talk, you didn't notice
i hear the words but all i can think is we should be together

4+8 or ltl

i'm feeling you baby
don't be afraid to jump then fall, jump then fall into me
baby, i'm never gonna leave you
say you wanna be with me too
cause i'm going to stay through it all
so jump then fall.

5+7

untouchable burning brighter than the sun, 

and when you're close i feel like coming undone. 

three times four

it's the first kiss, 

it's flawless. 

it's really something, 

it's fearless. 

six times two.

In the heat of the fight, I walked away. Ignoring the words that you were saying, trying to make me stay. I said, "this time I've had enough. " And you've called a hundred times, but I'm not picking up; cause I'm so mad, I might tell you that it's over. But if you look a little closer,

I said, "leave," but all I really want is you, to stand outside my window, throwing pebbles; screaming, "I'm in love with you." Wait there in the pouring rain, come back for more. And don't you leave, cause I know all I'll ever need is on the other side of the door. 

Me and my stupid pride, sitting here, alone. Going through the photographs, staring at the phone. I keep going back over the things we both said. And I remember the slammin' door, and all the things that I misread. Baby you know everything, tell me why you couldn't see that when I left, I wanted you to chase after me. 

I said, "leave," but all I really want is you, to stand outside my window, throwing pebbles; screaming, "I'm in love with you." Wait there in the pouring rain, come back for more. And don't you leave, cause I know all I'll ever need is on the other side of the door. 

And I scream out my window, "I can't even look at you, I don't need you," but I do, I do, I do. See, there's nothing you can say to make it right again, I mean it, I mean it. What I mean is, 

I said, "leave," but all I really want is you, to stand outside my window, throwing pebbles; screaming, "I'm in love with you." Wait there in the pouring rain, come back for more. And don't you leave, cause I know all I'll ever need is on the other side of the door. 

With your face and your beautiful eyes, and the conversation with the little white lies. And the faded picture of a beautiful night; you carry me from your car up the stairs. And I'm broke-down crying, wish we weren't this messed, and everything in that little black dress. After everything, I must confess, I need you. 

tswift please stop writing the story of my life.

i said leave; but all i really want is you to stand outside my window, throwing pebbles; screaming, "i'm in love with you." wait out there in the pouring rain, come back for more. and don't you leave, cause i know that all i'll ever need is on the other side of the door.

there are costumes to make men feel like boys again or turn little girls into queens.

hallow's eve, the one day of the year it's socially acceptable to play dress up.
the only question is, who do you wanna be?

integrity is the most important part.

well what d'ya know, character changes everything.

sunshine, this is how i know it was right.

"It's not fair. We were supposed to have more time. I don't want to lose us. You can't erase who we were or what we had. No one can. We burned so bright together; you won't lose that. You were perfect for me. And you always will be. But now it's time to let go.

It's okay. I love you. "

wow i have a lot of nicknames.

today's edition= booky
brooke
bb
book
breezy
brooklyn
brunklyn
bsquared
b^2
brookie
brook
brookie cookie
cookie
bakes
baked
baker
baby baker
little baker
baby baxter
baby baxt
little bakesy
little one
jgg
sprout
princess
fuck
dolly
templeton
nighthawk
brewk
bruk
bruik
bbgun
brooked
brooken
muffin pants
cute pants

current count=37

oth speaks to my soul..

Falling in love is the easiest thing you're ever going to do. It's the most exciting this. It's the most powerful thing. That's why falling out of love hurts like hell. But falling in love, there's nothing better. It's the best it ever gets. Falling in love is easy; a lifetime of love, there's a miracle.
Relationships aren't always easy. Divorce doesn't just happen. And relationships don't just end in an instant. We all want love, to be happy, so why aren't we? Because we've become experts at sabotaging our own happiness. Feeling like victims, when in fact it's the choices we make, the bad habits, the vices, the inability to show love and compassion. These are the things that tear us down. We're not victims. We're assassins when it comes to love and happiness.
We applaud this sentiment, yet we don't change.

Sometimes we fall short of the people we were meant to be and sometimes people do things they are ashamed of. And usually, after the guilt sets in, they make things worse. Sometimes people do funny things in the face of pressure and desperation. And the truth, well the truth isn't absolute. And the truth can set you free.

Life is funny, isn't it. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and it isn't fair. I think you're a good person. Something bad happened to you and you were clever enough to see a way out. I don't think you wanted to. I think you were afraid and lost and desperate. Maybe someone lied to you, maybe someone took advantage of you or maybe being a good person just wasn't paying off.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I know, but here's the good news; you can stop. Right here, right now.

10+2

i thought you wanted me, because i want you all to myself.

it ends tonight.

your subtleties, they strangle me.
i can't explain myself at all.

hey number twelve.

fearless is our song because you make me feel fearless. when we drive down the road, i have to try so hard not to get caught up, you absent-mindedly make me want you, you put your eyes on me to capture every memory, when my hands shake you pull me in and i'm a little more brave and i don't know how it gets better than that.
my wish kinda suited us for awhile. we weren't on the greatest of terms and it just depicted every word as to how i felt about you. i truly want the best for you in life. and then you forgave me. and you told me you want the same things for me and my knees went weak again.
but now i'm thinking stay beautiful is quite suiting. i mean you are beautiful, every little piece. you really are going to be someone. and when you find everything you've looked for, i kinda hope life leads you back to my door. but even if it doesn't, i want you to stay beautiful.

seven years.

today was nice. it was nice to catch up. as much as we fight, we're both always going to be there. it's just the way it is. we both care too much. i mean we have fought so many times. and you blame me and i blame you and bah. i think many of our problems root in your inability to take responsibility for your actions. but it's something i've accepted about you. it frusterates me to no end some days but i've learned to deal with it and for the most part let it go. i think you get flustered with the fact that i'm a different person around you. it just happens. we both are looking at our friendship as the people we used to be and the people we used to be friends with. but things have changed in the last 7 years. and that's okay. it's nice to know you're still here if i need something. i mean you were choked the other day, when i said it didn't really bother me you were moving. it's life, and we aren't the people we used to be. we don't hang out. we don't really do anything but talk. which maybe we needed for awhile. maybe it'll become a quality friendship instead of quantity. i think it's hard for the two of us to have new friends and be closer. cause for 6 of the last 7 years we had other friends but we were best friends. and 9 times out of 10, we hung out. but grade 12 changes things. and its really hard sometimes. i mean i get jealous that you are close with other people sometimes, but i know when you need something, you're going to come to me. and that may not be great, being your convenience, but i'm not here for convenience anymore and i think that bothers you. i think you're really jealous of my other friends and i think you've realized that you need me more than i need you. thats a really hard truth to face, but its just the way it is. you made friends with people that would party and i made friends that support me instead of knock me. and the one friend who was most supportive, controlling and damaging to my health too, i'll admit, but the one friend that supported what i wanted most, is no longer in my life. and to a certain degree, i want him to be just so that you don't think you won. cause it wasn't about you. and i don't really miss him, i sometimes do, i miss what we had and the little things, but i know i'm going to be okay. and i think thats the difference. you need me, you know it. and you know i don't need you as much.
seven years. as i filled out that survey, seven years i realized. that's a long time to be best friends with someone. i love that i've had someone there for that long, throught the vital times of my life. and i love that you will always be there, if i ever need anything. i think it's great that we have new friends and are experiencing new things. i think it's awesome to catch up like we did today. and i'm really glad we did. but now i'm just excited for you to move and for me to visit you. and for life to continue to change. i was afraid at first, but change is inevitable. so i may as well embrace it.

i really miss this.

number 2 bn
number 6 cme
number 7 bk
number 9 mal
number 12 cac
number 18 dm

the memories sneak up on me, wherever i go.

and all this because of a silly hockey game.

i'll take number twelve please

okay, okay. so here's the truth. today i went for a drive today with one of my best friends and her momma. we went to watch her boy play hockey in camrose. and i didn't drive, that was the first mistake. then we listened to some tswift. yet another bad idea. fearless. fucking fearless. all i could do was think of you and how much i missed you. i missed driving to your hockey games with my coffee in hand and taylor swift blasting away. i missed waiting for you for half an hour(unless mikee was reaaallyy mad) only to have you say hey babe i'll call you in a few minutes. and have my phone be ringing as soon as you got in the car. i miss going to your house and waiting for another half an hour while the two of you ate. again. and i miss everything that went with those nights. i miss all the boys you played with. all the people who came to watch. bringing your mommy tea. i miss all of us hanging out after the game. i miss picking your shirt and tie before the game. i miss you holding me in your arms and feeling safer than i've ever felt in my whole life. i miss waking you up in the morning and cuddling before school and i miss you being my wakeup call when you didn't have your spare. i miss you telling me to relax because i was stressing something silly. i miss you letting me make you feel better when you told me you weren't hurt. i miss you being yourself around me. i miss you lettting me get to know you, letting me in. i miss how good i had it, how good i could've had it. i miss how great it could've been. and i can't stop thinking about how much i screwed up.
i don't know if it's because everything changed so fast and i just lost you or if it's because i finally let him go that i realized how much i care about you. i don't know what it is. but i feel so attracted to you, yet so disconnected. sometimes we talk like before. and you can still make me smile when i'm in the worst mood. you still drive me nuts with a single word just because you want to drive me nuts. and other days you just seem so short, so disconnected. and now you're not even here. and i hear our song and i think to myself that i'd still do all of those things for you, you still absent-mindedly make me want you, i have to try so hard to ot get caught up, you drag me head first, fearless.
i feel like by letting go of him, i finally made room for you. i finally made room for someone else to enter my life. to be a part of my life. and i can't see anyone better suited to fit there than you. i want to hold your hand and walk around banff again. i want to fall down the mountain because we are climing up sheer ice. i want to make granola bars. i want you to cook for me. i want to drive just to drive. i want to watch a movie but have no idea what to tell your mom it was about because i just layed in your arms and talked the entire time. i just miss you.

i hate black jettas and red tacomas.

a car like you used to drive, pulled beside me today at the lights;
chances to break down and cry, wherever i go.

i think you'd be so good to me. and i'd be good to you.

and i do want you to know i hold you up above everyone