This is without a doubt one of the funniest most ironic things I've ever seen.

All or nothing.

I'm so emotional. I have no idea why. I'm sitting in bed reading and enjoying a coffee and I glanced over and saw the canvas my sister painted for me. 

"She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future." 

I don't know why I'm so emotional. I don't feel strong lately. In fact, I feel just the opposite. As I think about all the people I know in relationships and getting married, I feel incredibly lonely. And I think my problem is not that I am dying to be in a relationship. My issue is that I just want to know that it's going somewhere with J. I want to know that it's not all wasted. And I can justify all the things he does wrong and rationalize the behaviour that hurts me because I care about him and I want it to work. At the same time, I'm a pretty big believer in not abandoning something or someone when they do something wrong because it's important to me not to forget all of the things they've done right. And he has done a lot of things right for me. And I'd be lying to say that he hasn't put up with some of my wrongs. 

It just feels like it's so easy for everyone else. Relationships, dating, even hooking up with people seems so much easier for everyone else. Now that's probably partially a delusion but I genuinely just think in part that it's unique to me. I feel everything so deeply or not at all. jay Blue, recently divorced 44 year old. No feelings. None. It was fun and I am young and on vacation and have nothing to feel guilty about. But I think about sunshine or number twelve or J and it's just so deep. Every encounter with them penetrates the deepest cave inside my heart and I don't know how to combat that. How to protect myself from that. I am an all or nothing person. Absolutely all of me or absolutely none of me. And that's a dangerous way to live life. 

I've been encouraged so much to do something about J. Say something or back away gracefully now before it explodes. And I don't feel strong because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I lack the courage to do either of those things. If im honest, I'm afraid I'll lose him completely. And I think right now even though I realize that he doesn't always treat me the way that I deserve to be treated, I'd prefer to put up with that, than to not have him at all. 

Heavy.

I had a tough night last night. I was sober. Like really sober and hard thinking.  Last night I said I was going to Canmore on Saturday and he's like are you partying? And I'm like what difference does it make to you. And he's like are you? And I was like no why. He's like well I was going to encourage you to bring a helmet... Maybe some elbow pads. 

And granted it was a good joke and M and him laughed. I'm just I don't know. 

I had told him minutes before that I hate that he's seen me like that and it felt like a very personal attack after just confiding that I'm already clearly upset and embarrassed about the situation. And I know he didn't mean anything by it, I know. 

But I think on Sunday I'm going to prove a point. When we were talking about Community Shield he's like yeah, We can watch it if you get over your hate for me by then, I guess. So I was like you guess? Don't act like you aren't getting a coffee out of it. AND the pleasure of my company. And he said, "hahaha coffee sounds nice". 

So I'm going to drop a coffee at his house, get in my vehicle then just say door but leave. I'm not going to watch the game with him as I have the channel for it. I'm just going to drop his coffee off and when he asks why I'm leaving I'm going to say well you only requested coffee so that's what you get. It will suck because I have to work that night and Monday and I'd rather not see him after but at the same time it's like fuck you. And he's probably going to be like are you mad. And I'm not mad. I'm exhausted. Trying to balance and absorb his highs and lows is absolutely exhausting. I never know what version of him I'm going to get. 

I've still got a lot of fight left in me.

"This is my fight song, 

take back my life song.

Prove I'm alright song.

My power's turned on 

Starting now I'll be strong. "

Stupid girl.

So how did it go taking a step back from J? IT DIDN'T. Instead, I stayed at his house last night. I am so fucking stupid. I know that I am stupid. It doesn't change that he melted my heart this morning.

 

It melts my heart that he did that. That he did the pillow and blanket thing. It's those things that kill me. When I got there last night I said I wanted a pair of socks and he said okay, go get some you know where they are. This morning Duke didn't want me to leave and I just wanted to cuddle Duke all day long. 

My favourite prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage, to change the things I can. And wisdom, to know the difference. 

God, grant me the courage to change the things I can.

I hope that when the moment presents itself, I have the courage to say, "I think you take me for granted. Personally. And professionally." 

From Cabo somewhere.

I was kind of bitter to S last night about J. And I know I shouldn't have been but I just feel like, I don't know. I guess there's still a part of me that wants to look J square in the face and say what exactly do you want from me? What is this? Why?
I guess I just don't really understand or know where his head is at. I mean realistically, there's chemistry. It would be silly to say that there isn't. It's clear that we care about one another.
But I think there's a sense of hesitancy on both sides despite a recognition of mutual feelings outside of friendship. I think it's so difficult.

DILF.

So I may or may not have hooked up with a 44 year old man in Cabo. It was pretty fun if I do say so myself. He was really attractive but very clingy. His life is in shambles post-divorce, in a relationship with a married woman. I think he's lonely and needed someone and I just wanted to fulfill the hot dad category on the bucket list.