Heavy.

I had a tough night last night. I was sober. Like really sober and hard thinking.  Last night I said I was going to Canmore on Saturday and he's like are you partying? And I'm like what difference does it make to you. And he's like are you? And I was like no why. He's like well I was going to encourage you to bring a helmet... Maybe some elbow pads. 

And granted it was a good joke and M and him laughed. I'm just I don't know. 

I had told him minutes before that I hate that he's seen me like that and it felt like a very personal attack after just confiding that I'm already clearly upset and embarrassed about the situation. And I know he didn't mean anything by it, I know. 

But I think on Sunday I'm going to prove a point. When we were talking about Community Shield he's like yeah, We can watch it if you get over your hate for me by then, I guess. So I was like you guess? Don't act like you aren't getting a coffee out of it. AND the pleasure of my company. And he said, "hahaha coffee sounds nice". 

So I'm going to drop a coffee at his house, get in my vehicle then just say door but leave. I'm not going to watch the game with him as I have the channel for it. I'm just going to drop his coffee off and when he asks why I'm leaving I'm going to say well you only requested coffee so that's what you get. It will suck because I have to work that night and Monday and I'd rather not see him after but at the same time it's like fuck you. And he's probably going to be like are you mad. And I'm not mad. I'm exhausted. Trying to balance and absorb his highs and lows is absolutely exhausting. I never know what version of him I'm going to get.