All or nothing.

I'm so emotional. I have no idea why. I'm sitting in bed reading and enjoying a coffee and I glanced over and saw the canvas my sister painted for me. 

"She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future." 

I don't know why I'm so emotional. I don't feel strong lately. In fact, I feel just the opposite. As I think about all the people I know in relationships and getting married, I feel incredibly lonely. And I think my problem is not that I am dying to be in a relationship. My issue is that I just want to know that it's going somewhere with J. I want to know that it's not all wasted. And I can justify all the things he does wrong and rationalize the behaviour that hurts me because I care about him and I want it to work. At the same time, I'm a pretty big believer in not abandoning something or someone when they do something wrong because it's important to me not to forget all of the things they've done right. And he has done a lot of things right for me. And I'd be lying to say that he hasn't put up with some of my wrongs. 

It just feels like it's so easy for everyone else. Relationships, dating, even hooking up with people seems so much easier for everyone else. Now that's probably partially a delusion but I genuinely just think in part that it's unique to me. I feel everything so deeply or not at all. jay Blue, recently divorced 44 year old. No feelings. None. It was fun and I am young and on vacation and have nothing to feel guilty about. But I think about sunshine or number twelve or J and it's just so deep. Every encounter with them penetrates the deepest cave inside my heart and I don't know how to combat that. How to protect myself from that. I am an all or nothing person. Absolutely all of me or absolutely none of me. And that's a dangerous way to live life. 

I've been encouraged so much to do something about J. Say something or back away gracefully now before it explodes. And I don't feel strong because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I lack the courage to do either of those things. If im honest, I'm afraid I'll lose him completely. And I think right now even though I realize that he doesn't always treat me the way that I deserve to be treated, I'd prefer to put up with that, than to not have him at all.