Love monkey.

Watching Beauty and the Beast:
Monkey: you scared auntie?
Me: no I'm not scared honey.
Monkey: grabs my hand and squeezes, you scared auntie?
Me: yes monk, auntie's scared. Can you protect me?
Monkey: silly auntie don't be scared! Grabs my other hand hahaha

What the heck

I have been having fucked up dreams. And a fucked up week. I had a dream about BR the next night and it was just so fucked. I am just mind blown.
Then on Thursday night when I got home, I went and saw my monkeys. And it was so fucked. I was talking to B and she's like shh listen. My niece was talking to someone. And B goes, "S who are you talking to?"
She answers, the bad man is here again.
So B says tell him to go home now it's your bed time. S says my friends are here though. So B tells them to go to bed and starts talking to S about telling them it's bed time. And S goes but mom I'm scared.
This isn't the first time this has happened. She talks about seeing and speaking to things all the time. The other day she said I talked to an old man the other day. And B says yeah? Who was it? She said I don't know but he was nice and he really really loves me. B says oh what did you guys do? And S says well he's fighting on a ship in the war. Then B says well is he okay?! And S goes he's okay mom. He's safe. He loves me though.
Basically describing my grandpa. It's insane. This girl is very in touch with the spiritual world and I'm wondering why.

You took your money and your dignity and got the hell out.

And they tell you that you're lucky, but you're just confused.
'Cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.

Legitimately, what does it mean when you dream about your ex. I had a dream about number twelve last night it was fucked.
It was weird though, I've never had a dream like that. I saw one of his friends from high school. I guess they're still kind of friends, but they aren't close any more at all. So I was talking to LW and he was telling me about life and whatever and we had a great chat. I've always got along with him. I remember when I asked him for number twelve's address last year because I had to send him some stuff and he was like B, he loves you, you know that right? And I was like I know. He's like I know you love him, and I respect how much you care about him. And I know there's more to the story than I know about how your relationship went down. He's like you should be proud of the way you've handled it all. In my dream, we didn't really even talk about number twelve and they he somehow got brought up and I was like well how is he?
And LW was like you know he's really good. I was like I'm so glad to hear that. LW kind of avoided eye contact and I was like what... He's like well, he's got a girlfriend, B. And I think they're really happy. He just bought her a snowboard. I was a little shocked but I was happy for him. I was hurting, but I mean, in all honesty,  I really do want number 12 to be happy. So he was like B, it's really serious; like, ring serious.
I was winded. I felt like somebody just stabbed me, repeatedly. I cannot explain how I felt. I didn't even speak. I didn't cry. I was completely numb.
We talked some more and then we ended up at my childhood house, and HJR was there. I told her what happened. HJR has understood number twelve and my situation better than anyone. And her and S are the most supportive of pursuing it whenever I have. I think they understand there's more to this than an old boyfriend. And when HJR and I started talking about it, I just started bawling. I just couldn't comprehend it. I knew one day that'd probably happen and LW said, I didn't want to tell you. I knew I shouldn't.
And I reminded him, it's not his fault. I was happy he told me. It was real, official. I needed to really move on. The possibility of a future with number twelve had disappeared forever for me.
It was supposed to work out. It was supposed to be us. It was supposed to be our happy ending. And it wasn't. And LW made a comment about always pulling for us.
I guess I just don't know what this means. I woke up winded and in tears this morning. Is this me telling myself to let go? Is this my subconscious? Is this my subconscious telling me to do something before he moves on? I wish it were the third option. But I cannot do that. It has to be him. It has to be him all in before I consider going even a toe in again. And that scares me.

Pirate's Gold

So pumped to teach my kids my favourite childhood game to my class in physical education tomorrow!

Yucky.

I would give anything to not have to work right now.