stupid cars.

ahhhhh there is something wrong with my vehicle. I don't have time for this. I'm waay stressed out now. I don't know what to do because I need to go home because I work at 4:30 tomorrow. Ahhhhh. I was driving and I heard a weird sound and then the steering wheel locked and then the battery light went on so I pulled over and shut off my vehicle and then I turned it on and it was still like that so I tried to drive the 3 minutes home and then the engine started to get super hot. ahhhhhhhh. FUCK MY LIFE!

this is my future husband, Prince Harry.

every little girl's fairytale.

fairytales.

Also the TLC version of the Royal wedding is pissing me off. I can't even believe the arrogance of Americans. They are mocking the hats of the British and I am just so frustrated. It is a beautiful, traditional British wedding. That is how it's supposed to look. Screw modern fashion right now, Kate's dress was modern and beautiful. AND you're American, you aren't even the heart of real fashion anyways. Beak from Paris or Milan and perhaps your opinion will mean something.
I am just so frustrated by the intolerance of people. Like this wedding is absolutely gorgeous, the Alexander McQueen dress designed by Sarah Burton (I think that's her name) was absolutely gorgeous, the carriage ride, everything was just absolutely fabulous and yet all these people are going to criticize and ridicule absolutely everything about this wedding.
Give them a freaking break. They are a key part of the modern world. William and Kate are basically a symbol of hope for the future so have some damn respect. If the stupid Americans didn't ruin everything then the world wouldn't have to place so much pressure on the future King and Queen of England.

dreams come true.

OHHHHH MYYYYY GOSSSHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I finally got to watch the Royal wedding!!! It was so beautiful. Kate is just so incredible. She is seriously so beautiful and classy and elegant and poised. She has beautiful posture and skin and hair and teeth and she is just so beautiful. She carries herself so well. And her and William just looked so unbelievably happy.
I am just in love with weddings and this Royal wedding is so unbelievably incredible because William and Kate are actually in love. You can clearly see how in love they are in the way that they look at each other and touch each other and their kiss on the balcony. Oh my goodness, dreams really do come true.

wishful thinking.

It is now true that I have three jobs for the summer and two classes (really three because one is a six credit class) for the summer. In case you didn't know, three classes makes you a full time student. AND I have three jobs.
I know I'm crazy and it's all my own doing. I am planning to try and be done my classes by the end of June so that I can have a bit of a summer anyways. Mostly I don't want a summer though. I know I sound ridiculous but the more free time I have, the more time I have to sit and think about all the things about myself I'm unsatisfied with and all the things in my life I'm unsatisfied with.
If I keep busy I have less time to stress (at least I'm trying to convince myself of that). I'm hoping that by keeping busy I will focus on the tasks at hand instead of worrying about everything else. If I'm so busy that I have no free time, I won't be thinking about all the days number twelve cooked for me or the nights we stayed home and baked together instead of going out.
If I keep busy all of my free time will be devoted to my niece and the rest of my family. I will be focused on spending time with her. I will be much too busy to go out and party thus I will save money and be healthier and I will stay in shape because it is the only time I will have for myself.

nathan scott.

Tragedies happen. What are you going to do? Give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks, you've got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are. And the pain you feel, that's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better. And that something is worth fighting for.

nap time.

Oh also, I'm done year two. hahaha I completely forgot to mention that somehow. I am somewhat relieved but not really because my gpa is nowhere near what I wanted it to be and I'm still missing two marks. Lameeee.
I'm now going to eat a cheese string and watch one tree hill until I fall asleep and have a nap. As Tigger would say ttfn (ta ta for now).

Reasons to Love Prince William.

bahahahah I got this from another blog but it is fabulous.
"Reasons I love Prince William
1) He's super dreamy.
2) He wears a uniform.
3) He looks cute holding a baby.
4) He rides a horse...like a boss. "

I used to be in love with Prince William also but now I think he kind of looks like a horse... and I'm going to marry Prince Harry sooo that'd be awkward to find my future brother in law sexy. My favorite part of that entire list is "he rides a horse... like a boss" mainly because well if you can ride a horse well you can probably ride a human well. And that is a key skill in this life. It'd be a shame to be a prince and not be good in bed.

I'll be.

FYI: Edwin McCain wrote the greatest love song of all time. Like seriously, I'll be is like one of the greatest songs of all time. I can't even imagine a boy writing a song that incredible for or about me.

love it.

"It's not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

down to earth.

"I want my boys to have an understanding of people's emotions, their insecurities, people's distress, and their hopes and dreams."
-Princess Diana

I feel the same way.

"I want to be told that I'm needed as much as I need, I'm wanted as badly as I want, and I'm loved as thoroughly as I love."

captured my soul here, s.

"that epitomizes everything: when you love someone that much, sometimes you have to hurt for them. and boy do I hurt."

butch walker.

and you don't know but you gave me the best mix tape I have and even all the sad songs ain't so sad. I only wish that there was more than this about me and you.

you drive away from my car crash of a heart.

you say hello, inside I'm screaming 'I love you'.

silly girl with a diary.

she believed.

you're so naive.

My roommate also bet me that number twelve and I will have sex before the summer is over. And for the first time, I think I might actually win the bet. I wouldn't base my actions around the bet and there is nothing really riding on it so I suppose it's not really a bet. It's more a reason for K to beak me.
I don't know I love number twelve and I neeeeeeddddddd to get laid soooooooo bad it's ridiculous (this is the longest I've not had sex since I started having sex and it's killing me, I swear). But at the same time, I'm just not sure my heart can handle it. I love him too much to just casually sleep with him. And since I'm not the type of girl to just go have sex with anybody, I'm pretty much at a standstill.
I sometimes wish I were the girl who could have casual sex, minus the whole reputation/possible pregnancies/sti's things. But really, I mean how much easier would it be if you could play boys like boys play girls you know? Like how incredible would it be to have great sex and not have to worry that your heart is going to be shattered in half an hour. I sometimes envy those girls.
That's just not who I am. I'm just not that girl.
I am the girl that believes in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. I'm naive and somehow, in spite of everything, I still believe. It's all that I can do. Just believe.

every girl's dream.

Also, I have an English final tomorrow and it's killing me that I cannot get up and watch the Royal Wedding. I've been counting down the days. I am sooooo excited. I love Kate Middleton, she's beautiful and elegant and classy and down to earth. I think that she will make an incredible Queen. I like William too, he has always been the mature one. I guess he's always had to with Diana dying and his father being a bit of a dud. But I think they are a fabulous couple and I am so upset I can't watch it.
Don't worry though I'll catch it tomorrow night when it's replayed!
Also, I've decided I'm going to marry Prince Harry. I know what you're all thinking, he's a redhead! But he is a very smokin' hot redhead. And he's so down to earth. And he's fun (see party days/ ridiculous jokes). And he actually served in the war instead of being a stuck up prince about it. AND he volunteers in Africa and does sooo much volunteer work. I just love him. Honestly that's the life I want. To not have to work because my husband can afford to send us all over the world to help people that really need help.
And the fact he's a prince, well, that's just a bonus.

it's always been your song.

I was doing so good, being strong, not talking to him. You know, moving on. Or at least, convincing myself and continuing to pretend to everyone else I've moved on. I haven't, I don't know how. I honestly cannot imagine my life without him. I know, I know. I say it all the time. And I still know that right now, we're not ready. But that doesn't make it any easier and it certainly doesn't make me miss him any less. It's just so flustering because he evokes emotion in every inch of my body. When I think that I have nothing left to feel, he makes me feel. He is the only one that can fix me with words or a smile or a hug or any of it. It's just him. That's the only thing I need at the end of my life, to know that I loved with everything I have and that person loved me back.

I want you.

I don't want a happy ending.
What I want is never ending.

remember.

"during a relationship, things will happen. there will be a lot of mistakes, and you might break up. if this happens, remember this, remember why you fell in love in the first place. remember all the times you spent, and all the times you held each other close. remember that you two were brought together for a reason: it’s fate."

is it killing you like it's killing me?

we talked today. this is the first actual conversation we've had in awhile. it stayed nice, no fighting. it makes me sad a bit but happy at the same time.
is this inherent longing ever going to go away?

gymtime.

I went to the gym today for the first time in like two weeks. Granted it was a half ass workout, I HAVE to get a gym membership this summer. I just feel better. And look better and I'm healthier (duh). I know if I am  paying for a membership I'll be more likely to go, get my money's worth.

self-centered.

In regards to the last post, I'll clear myself up. I basically mean that on any given day, every person you know is dealing with something. I mean somebody has a broken heart, somebody has money issues, somebody has health issues, somebody has self-confidence issues. You know, we're all carrying something.
It's funny how we can't just sit back and enjoy life. Take what we're given and embrace it, love the good things, learn from the bad. But instead we all just carry around this dead weight that brings us down.
I am so bad for it and I know that. I carry around what I did to number twelve, what sofaking did to me, issues with my family, how I feel about number twelve. I carry around all these things that are in the past or out of my control. And why? Why do I carry all this dead weight around, because that's what it is: dead weight. I always preach about just letting go, yet, I can't. I preach about being fearless, yet, I'm not. I preach about boys just being boys, yet, I am still head-over-heels-think-about-him-every-second-of-the-day in love with him.
And it's not that I don't appreciate what I have in my life because I really do. I love my family and my friends and that tomorrow I'll be done two years of my university. And I love my jobs and my health and all of the gifts I was blessed with. Yet, I'm not satisfied. I still beat myself up that I'm not enough, that I could've done things differently, better, that I should be further in my life, that I can do more. I'm never just happy with who I am and what I HAVE accomplished. I'm always looking at what I don't have, what I haven't accomplished yet. You know?
Is this simply just the way western society is? Am I just a crazy, neurotic, self-centered bitch? What is this?
Is it ever going to be enough?

dead weight.

it's funny you know, how we're all carrying something.

hugo boss.

number twelve's sister got a little puppy and named it hugo boss. how adorable. I want to go see it so bad. I saw her walking it today on my way back here. sooooo cute. that's good though. she needs some company that will love her unconditionally instead of treat her like garbage.

I never thought we'd have a last kiss.

I never imagined we'd end like this.

scotiabank.

I got the job wheeeuuuu!!!!

everybody down in houston calls him Texas.

you should've heard the way that his momma called him 'baby', daddy called him 'boy', his friends called him 'crazy'.

I knew I was in trouble from the moment I met you, boy.

now the numb has set in,
he's gone like the wind;
and I can barely feel the pain.

whiskey.

Should've just called it like I saw it. Should've just called for help and ran like hell that day. The burning, the stinging, the high and the heat and the "left-me-one-more" feeling when he kissed me. I should've just called him "Whiskey".

close your eyes and trust.

The weird part of the last two posts is that I didn't cry while I wrote them. I haven't had that in awhile. I think I've finally reached a point where I just have to let go and believe. I love him and I want the best for him. And in my heart of hearts I know right now isn't the right time for us as much as I wish it was.
So I love you, and it's time to let fate take its course.

you believed baby.

On that note, I should probably say that he's text me the last few days. Of the three messages I've got, I haven't answered any. In fact, I haven't even read them on bbm. And I know how frustrating that is. It's probably selfish of me but I just feel like after putting my heart on the line every day for 8 months, I feel like now he can make an effort if I'm important to him. I tried to make an effort every single day and I'm just not sure that I have it in me to keep trying.
I've dreamed about him lots lately and he keeps trying to get back together in my dreams and for the first time I told him 'not yet'. I was really proud of myself after I woke up to that, especially more than once. It's not because I don't love him or I don't want to be with him, I mean I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And it's definitely not because I want to be with someone else, I just need to be alone. We need to be alone.
I love that kid with my whole heart, I really do. But I know that if our relationship is going to work out, now isn't the time. We both have a lot of growing up to do and we both need to accomplish some things in our life before we make a lifelong committment. We've discussed how we don't want to make decisions at nineteen for the other one, because we don't want to end up not following our dreams and resenting each other as a result. We've discussed how scary it is to see a future with someone at 16 and 17 and 18 years old. And that's what happened to us.
I was scared shitless when I saw a future with him. When he asked me to move in with him I wanted to run to the hills. And how stupid am I? The boy I love more than anything wanted to spend his life with me and I ran away and did everything I could to destroy it. I was afraid; that doesn't make what I did okay. But it made me realize a lot of things. And lately I've learned even more.
I had one other dream about him lately, only this time, it was a long time from now. Four or five years maybe, at our wedding. And my sister was giving a speech about us and how we'd been on and off for a long time and things had been really rock for awhile and then we finally got to a place where we could be together and we were so happy because we had waited and believed and fate brought us back together. She talked about how because we'd been through so much together, our love was easy to see and it was the kind of love that was easy to see it'd last forever. And during her speech we both looked at each other and I remember thinking "I'm so glad I waited" and he said to me "you believed baby, now we have our future together".
I know that it was a dream and maybe it means nothing. But maybe it means everything. And so I have to go on with my life, always loving him and believing that what is meant to be will always be; people that are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

everything is you.

I just realized something. It's so weird that both the boys I posted are blonde because I am totally a brunette type of girl. I don't know why but I just think the concept of 'tall, dark and handsome' is just such a smokeshow. Like especially when a boy has super green or blue eyes. Number twelve is like perfect as far as my attraction goes. He has the strongest, most amazing body. And not like steroid, unattractive big, like muscular in a "I can protect you yet always look good" kind of way. He has this ridiculous hair that he loves to grow out long but it is so sexy at the perfect length. He likes to have facial hair and I absolutely hate it but I must admit that I miss him giving me cheek burn just because he can. He is the perfect height to stand in his arms. My head fits perfectly into his collar-bone so I can kiss his neck and he can kiss my forehead. And he has the most beautiful green eyes. Like they are just so mm.
These are only a few of the physical traits I love about him... I'm not even going to bother discussing all the reasons I fell in love with him; I'd rather not cry today.

a+

Also the first mark I have back for the year is an A+. Wheeuuuu. That is good news. If only all my marks would be that good. Lucky it was in history and that's my major!
I still have one more final on friday but I'm kind of at the point where I just don't care anymore. And it's english so you kind of do good or you don't that's that.

sick and tired.

First off, I am beyond extremely ill. I have been sick for the last two days. Sunday night I was up all night getting sick then I had a shower yesterday, passed out in the shower and woke up vomitting. Yeah, I'm that sick. It's so gross. I haven't felt this ill in a long time. I have missed two days of work now that I can't afford to miss and I have a job interview tomorrow so I better be better by then. I spent all day sleeping yesterday and I've been sleeping on and off today. My head hurts and I'm dizzy and ugh.
I can almost guarantee that this is my body's way of telling me to slow down before I have a heart attack or something. I am a stress-case and I have anxiety and I worry about everything. I over-stress and over-analyze and it isn't healthy. I try to take on more than I know I can handle because I feel like I should be able to handle inhuman amounts of work. I have killed myself over this semester and over-exerted myself in an effort to think less about number twelve. It's not working.
I know that I need to relax and try to work on being happy because I will definitely over-do it if I don't focus on myself. I am planning on taking two classes and nine credits this summer while working hopefully three jobs. I know how insane I sound but I have zero desire to drink and party and waste my time and money. I want to start preparing for my future.