Court.

I got 2 numbers tonight and it wad a complete and utter clusterfuck of an evening. I actually would probably hang out with the one.. He's kind of attractive and he's fun to chat with. I noticed him last time. He's clever and fun and their group of friends is fun. I am actually supposed to call him at 6am to wake him up so we'll see how things go with that.
Remind myself to explain further tomorrow.

Be kind. #kindcampaign.

The other day a girl I work with was talking about how she was trying to gain weight. She's Israeli and she is so tiny. Like her entire body is like skinnier than my leg. I asked why she was trying to gain weight because she doesn't look anorexic, she just looks naturally skinny. And she said to me look at me, now look at you. You're a woman with these beautiful curves and I look like a little girl.
It really hit me just how much we all struggle with our own body image. It's sad really because I would never expect a girl like that to be concerned about her size you know? And I never think that ANYone ever thinks to themselves, "oh my gosh I wish I had that girl's curves" about me. I work really hard on my body. I mean of course, I could and probably should work harder but I'm trying to be more moderate about it because I do want to enjoy my life but I do feel like I need to be cautious about my size.
I like the gym because I feel good about myself when I go. And I think sometimes I look better to other people than I do in my own head. That's tough for me because when I put something on, I am looking at everything I hate about my body instead of being like damn, my _______ looks great.
We need to build a better world for body image. We need to build each other up and I know that I need to work on my own attitude with regards to that. I need to work on complimenting first and criticizing later. I need to be kind and be the type of woman that I look up to. So if you are reading this, you are beautiful. Whatever you hate about yourself, I love it! And, I'm probably jealous of something you hate about yourself. So remember you are beautiful. Be kind to others, but be kind to yourself too.

I thought I was funny.

So today I asked J when we opened because I was at the doctor. I needed to know when we opened because I haven't had a period since then. But when he asked me why I said, "I need to tell the doctor how long I've been prego". He didn't answer and so I finally was like I'm obviously kidding! And he's like fuck me! Then I included a screen shot of part of our conversation. When he got to work I'm like you're such an asshole how it that possibly about you and how can you be concerned about paying me for maternity leave at the number one problem? He's like no not that, I'd pay you. I just don't want you to be gone for a year.
Which I thought was kinda nice. Overall it's now turned into a lot of jokes about me being pregnant which I'm NOT.

You drive me crazy.

I absolutely detest how incredibly delusionally uncontrollably in love with him I am.

Looking back.

I am absolutely delusional. I'm sure that in a year or two I will think the same thing. I'm utterly delusional and have an incredible gift to burn things into my head that happen entirely different than they did.

Royal Orchid.

So today I went for the BEST and weirdest massage of my life. I had been thinking about it and Dad told me to go get a massage because my year ends and then I'm not on his benefits anymore because I'm not a student (lame). But I mentioned it yesterday and J was like you HAVE to go see C. She is the BEST. And I'm like okay... CG was like it's at the place that I went for my foot massage and we all know how that turned out so don't do it. And I'm like J like it's really that good and he's like yes you have to.
So he texted me everything to go there and he said it will be a unique experience and to get East meets West with hot stones. It is at a Thai place so he said the traditional East is a bit much.
It was so good but there were definitely some weird things. She like stretches your muscles out too which was weird but nice. Like at one point she was on the table like twisting my legs like a pretzel. It was really weird but I felt better. She also gave me some stuff for my skin. I'm really hoping it works because she said it will be better in 2 days.
I have literally tried EVERYthing for my skin and it just sucks. I am so self-conscious of it and I'm sure other people don't notice it nearly as much as I do but it really bothers me so I'm praying she's right and it works.

Gravity Happens.

"I have gathered that the moments that shaped me are the ones that have tested my faith and all that matters is the courage they gave me, I fell down. My fears were erased in the wreckage of heartache and hindsight a new beginning starts to unfold. And if you let it, it just might save your life."
-Kate Voegele

My biggest fear.

I just have all these crazy unrealistic thoughts in my head but I can't help but think them. I think CG knows I really like J and she makes lots of comments about it but I think she knows I won't admit it because it scares me too much. And I'm terrified of rejection.

I think that's what it is more than anything. I'm just not the girl guys are into. I don't have that "sex appeal". I'm a nerd and a jock and I don't do the girly flirty shit. It's just not who I am. I am not the type of person to initiate a relationship and maybe that's a downfall. Relationships and rejection terrify me. I am so irrationally afraid of not being enough.