Maybe I'm naive, but I'm convinced there's something there.

I wonder if he knows how genuinely happy he makes me. He knows exactly how to make me smile. 

Last night we had this couple and as he sat them she told him that she was celiac and needed a gluten free menu. He gave her a spiel about the menu and then him and I talked about it before I went over. So she has some questions and we had a great conversation she was very nice. It took her awhile because she isn't used to so many option so when she ordered, she ordered a burger gluten free with gluten free fries and her husband ordered a burger with a gluten filled bun and croutons on his salad. All the gluten. So J asks what they order and he's like do you think he will find it funny if we take them a salt shaker full of flour? Extra gluten? And I laughed I said yes I think they have a sense of humour. Him and I were laughing so hard because I'm standing in the prep hall while he's filling a salt shaker of flour. I'm like what if they don't laugh? He's like well then we're fucked. We're getting a bad review and they will think we have a sick sense of humour. 

Turns out they thought it was funny but I just think it's so silly that we have those moments. There are so many things we laugh about. Silly inside jokes. That's the dream, isn't it? 

I was talking to B this morning and I said I wouldn't even know how to be in a relationship anymore. It's been so long. And I think that's maybe the point for me. Maybe it's supposed to be that easy. The friendship. The comradarie. That's what I want. Sure we have our moments. We have ups and downs and he frustrates me immensely. But I guess at the end of the day, I know he'd be there. He is there. He makes me feel safe. Relaxed. 

I sleep better at his house than I have anywhere else in years. I don't know how it's going to go. Or what our journey will be. But on all the days I question why I put up with my frustration from him, I realize that isn't my body physiologically telling me something there? Isn't that "feeling of home" saying something? Isn't him showing me all his renovations and asking my opinion and acting with consideration of my opinion, doesn't that mean something? 

I wonder if he knows how much he makes me laugh.

I just want to not feel like crying for a night.

Don't look away, don't run away. 

Baby, it's only life. 

Fraudulent.

I know that I'm strong. And I know that I will get through this. I know one day I will forget just how difficult each day is. One day the rawness of the sting will dissipate. I know it could be worse and I should be grateful. I know that in the grand scheme of my life, this will one day be a bad memory that taught me a lot. I know I will be better and stronger from this. I know all that. But right now it doesn't feel that way. It just weighs on me. All the time. I have moments in days of normalcy and then I go right back to the heavy force of the unknown. I feel lost and helpless and fraudulent. That's the worst part I think. Fraudulent. 

I know he's right.

I know that he's right but it is so much easier to say. It really doesn't feel that way now. 

Breathe, then swallow, the breathe again.

Life is really tough sometimes. I'm not alone, I know that I have people that love and support me and I'm incredibly grateful for that. I guess I just wish that  someone was in love with me.

 It begins to grow difficult when you realize you're not easy to love. When you begin to question yourself despite knowing you have worth. It's difficult to be strong and composed and to not have somebody to hold you up in your moments of weakness. It's difficult when you start to question whether you're worthy of that kind of love. Why everyone else seems to find companionship so easily.