"the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." -hemingway

First impressions are funny. I think that a first impression can be really brutal and not show someone's character very well. I think first intuition is different. I think when you meet someone and immediately have a bad feeling, an "I-should-not-trust-this-person" feeling is different. Sometimes that trust can build but usually if you have a gut feeling that someone is a bad person, you're probably right. I know that some of my best friendships have been built with people that I really wasn't overly fond of and probably weren't overly fond of me when we met. I guess I'm just saying trust your guts, but don't rely on a first impression. Keep your guard up if you get a pit-of-the-stomach feeling, but give everybody another chance.

gingerale and peppermint tea.

i am so damn tired of being sick. stomach please give me a break. i have tried everything. sleep, peppermint tea, ginger ale. please stop hurting and turning. it's been nice to spend a few days at home relaxing but i have homework to do. how about this i'll promise to appreciate normal even more if i can just get back to it? and i'll also try and spend more time on myself so i don't overwhelm my body with stress and exhaustion.

bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

-"i'm fucked up".
-"yeah but you gave it 100% effort".

mystic pizza.

have you ever seen the movie mystic pizza? it's one of julia roberts first movies and damn that woman is freaking gorgeous. she is such a knockout. she was when she was young and she is now. she has the most beautiful hair and the most beautiful smile. it's only a half hour in but so far it's pretty good though. seems like a nice way to spend a friday night... i might even have some chocolate pudding later! only 90 calories!!

tim time.

i suppose since i've been a complete waste of life today i should go to the gym before it closes at 9. wishh me luck.

it's always the strong.

"the world breaks everyone,
and afterward,
some are strong at the broken places."
-ernest hemmingway.

YOU are beautiful. please believe it.

i sometimes wish we saw what the people we love see in ourselves. you know? it's so much easier to see yourself as fat or stupid or ugly when you look in the mirror after looking at supermodels, or listening to someone speak eloquently about a brilliant topic. i wish that some of the people i love would see the beauty i see when i look at them. i also wish that i would see the beauty in myself that other people tell me they see. we're always looking at the negative things in this world. and i say we because i am just as guilty as everybody else.
but why is our perceptions of beauty so distorted? i don't think that most models are good looking because they are too skinny. and i feel for those people who are so skinny and have never had an eating disorder but have been accused of it their entire lives. i feel for the more voluptuous girls who have had an eating disorder for years yet people accuse of eating cake and fast foods. i think beauty is being healthy. and that means living a healthy lifestyle that's good for you. the most important part is being happy with who you are. confidence is beautiful.
i think blondes are beautiful and brunettes and red heads and all the combinations between. and black girls and white girls and asian girls and hispanic girls. and skinny girls and large girls and all the sizes in between. i guess i just wish that everybody would have a wider perception of beauty. you know? like think of ourselves as beautiful too. i'm guilty of it.
sometimes i feel pretty or cute. and those days, are the days i'm really beautiful because i'm confident and i believe in my own beauty. i look past the flaws, the things i hate about myself and really see myself as a wonderful whole person: beautiful, kind, confident, brilliant, honest, compassionate, empathetic, healthy, loyal, trustworthy, thoughtful, talented, genuine --me.

ernest hemmingway.

never think that war,
no matter how necessary,
nor how justified,
is not a crime.

inspire me.

just when the caterpillar
thought the world was over,
it became a butterfly.

now this is what i call parenting.

interesting thought.

"If you're in trouble, or hurt or need - go to the poor people.
They're the only ones that'll help - the only ones. "
-john steinbeck.

Steinbeck.

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike.
And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion
are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle
that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us. "

you are pathetic and weak. she is strong and beautiful.

scumbags pray on the insecure, the one's who think they're weak. they pray on people that are easily convinced they are more insecure than the scumbag is.  she is beautiful. and brilliant. and funny. and kind. and she has a great heart. and you made her feel like she isn't all of those things. you made her feel like she is insignificant and fat and stupid and not enough. well you are not enough, you will never be enough for her. never. you are insecure and weak and you had to make her feel small to feel big. she didn't deserve that. and nothing that you did to her will ever be okay. and you can never take any of it back. you're scum and you have to live with that.

that's not love.

have you ever had somebody tell you that they were abused by someone they were in a relationship with? i think it's a really big deal. a friend told me that the other day. and granted they aren't dating anymore, it still bothers me. i really didn't know how to react. she still wants good things for him in his life and she talks to him sometimes. and i understand the concept of love, i do. i believe love means loving someone no matter what, loving all of them, especially their flaws. but how do you abuse somebody that you love? he repeatedly told her he loved her. he was mean to her and treated her terribly and thought that giving her flowers or taking her out for dinner and telling her he loved he made up for it. nothing makes up for it. you have to live with how you treat people for the rest of your life. but he signed her valentine's day card always and forever. and i just can't understand. how do you abuse somebody that you love? phyiscally or emotionally. that's not love. i mean i understand her thinking she loved him and she says i just don't love him anymore but i don't understand how hitting ever suggests that you love someone.

be bold. throw all of you into everything you do.

bold strategy cotton,
let's see if it pays off for 'em.

zero is not a size.

seeing is believing.

please disregard the last post as mean. it's not supposed to be. i am not a mean person and don't want bad things for anybody. but when someone has hurt you in a big way and pretty well everything has gone well for them yet everything has deteriorated into nothing for you, seeing karma kick their ass is a real nice feeling. i try and live my life so well and treat others well and some days it's really hard to believe it's all worth it. but today, seeing karma kick someone who deserved to feel the consequences of their actions really makes me believe again. and isn't believing in something what everyone's after?

what goes around comes around.

karma's a bitch.
how does it feel now sweetheart?

washington irving.

"There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse; as I have found in traveling in a stage coach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position and be bruised in a new place."

i feel you in my bones.

when words fall short.

"there is a sacredness in tears. they are not the mark of weakness, but of power. they speak more eloquently than then thousand tongues. they are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love".
- washington irving

tennessee williams.

"when so many are lonely as seem to be lonely,
 it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone".

thanks lovely.

also, the photo montage is courtesy of s.

change is good.

i think you might be able to classify me as a blonde now?

divine. love, love, love.

nothing like unrequited love.

miles from normal.

titanic

i think i was born in the wrong time. i feel like i would've been perfect to be born in the 1890s. you know, sail on the titanic in 1912. i would've loved to live in such beauty. brilliant architecture. beautiful dresses and furniture and women who were always proper.

epitome of you and me.

before you met me i was a fairy princess.

i'm tired of always being strong.

you never know how strong you are until
being strong is the only choice you have.

nothing's impossible.

it always seems impossible until it is done.

love it, s.

it must not be the end yet.

you just know.

albert einstein.

out of clutter, find simplicity.
out of discord, find harmony.
in the middle of difficulty,
lies opportunity.

john cage.

"be open to whatever comes next."

beauty.

there is nothing worse than being sick, except being sick with a broken heart.

i feel even worse today. i have a fever and my stomach is upset and a sore throat and hot and cold flashes. fml. i just hate being sick more than anything in the world. and i'm not going to school but of course my hair appointment is today of all days and would take three months to rebook. like seriously? is this some kind of cruel karma? or is this my immaculate amounts of stress for the last nineteen years just taking over my body and telling me to relax a bit.

i hate this place.

i'd also love to go to university in europe. imagine how beautiful it would be to go to school in london or paris or athens or rome. like that would be the most incredible cultured experience imaginable. thinking about drinking tea or staring out at the beautiful rain on the ocean and the carbs galore. and wine. i love me wine. i just want to experience something.

damn you alberta.

i wish my family were rich or tuition wasn't 50gs/year to go to duke. that's been my dream for a long time. and i want to go there so bad. i don't care what i take i just loved it there. i want to go there. it's just so beautiful. it'd be incredible to go to somewhere like columbia or harvard or yale (if i went into law duh) but i just think the experience of living somewhere else would just be so incredible. i just hate this place and i don't really know why. not like la, but like alberta in general. i just want to go somewhere far away. even boston would be incredible. or princeton, i wanted to go there for awhile too. i just want to get out of canada and go to a beautiful well-known university far away. imagine the experience. i'd go to la but it definitely wouldn't be a first choice. i want to go and meet brilliant minds not blond barbies in fashin school. and don't get me wrong some designers are brilliant and fashion executives etc. but i want to go somewhere that the beach and getting famous aren't priorities over education.

take me away.

i've been looking at other universities. like ones in eastern canada. i think i'd really enjoy going to another university. like acadia or mcgill or something like that. i wish i weren't taking education because as everyone knows, this is pretty much the best place in the world to take ed. or u of a is alright too but to take ed outside of alberta is really just silly. i just want to get out of this place, go really far away you know. somewhere that i can't go home every other weekend. somewhere that i would have to completely immerse myself in the university. in a new place with new people and none of the old bullshit. i'd love to go to the states but that's just unreasonable because i wouldn't get any scholarships like that. but still it'd just be absolutely incredible to go somewhere far away for that kind of thing you know. i don't know i just really want to get out of here.

pretty please with a cherry on top.

if anyone is looking to give me a gift, i'd really like an original pattern cashmere burberry scarf please and thank you. i bet it would really cheer me up. and the best news is that it's only 335$ american.

yuckiness go away.

i just feel like a complete bag of shit. like so terrible. i'm sore, i'm achy, i'm tired, i'm grumpy, my tummy doesn't feel good. like my life just hurts right now. and i don't know why, i got a pretty good sleep. nc thinks it's stress especially the being overwhelmed by school and number twelve. fuck my lifeee i don't have time to be sick.

whisper words of wisdom.

let it be.

you're breaking and i can see the pain in your eyes.

everybody's changing and i don't feel the same.

you're the simple truth and you're the biggest mystery.

i slept in today. i didn't go to my 8am class and to be honest i really don't want to go to my 12 o'clock class. i feel like i just need to rest. i want to rest. i'm sore because i've been over-exerting myself at the gym to try and stop thinking about everything. i have been putting myself in physical pain so the emotions will go away. i just don't know what to do. i like want to go to the gym twice a day just to fill up my day. i don't even know. i have zero thought process right now.

he didn't waste any time looking back.

she watched him go,
thinking even a stranger
would show more compassion than that.

you're better off without me, i'm not what you need.

she could've cried,
but she didn't have time.

because i really don't understand.

please, explain it to me.

you can't break a broken heart.

i don't even know what to feel. i feel broken and sad and hurting. but i'm so incredibly exhausted that i don't know if i really feel anything. i've been dealing with this pain for so long that maybe i've become immune to it. i am so exhausted with school and my family and friends and number twelve that i have no energy to feel. i devoted a month to school and the gym and i still feel as behind and terrible as ever. my family thinks i'm anorexic and possibly going to kill myself. my friends have torn me apart from saying, "you are the worst friend ever. i didn't know you left town on a high horse." to being told that me being upset over how i was being treated was a joke. and then there's been this roller coaster with number twelve. and the stress with dad.
i give everything of myself to everyone else. i just want someone to appreciate what i do.

you say you don't wanna hurt me, don't wanna see my tears, so why are you still standing here just watching me drown.

i had a pretty good day after that with the family. then i called him on my way hoem and he was short and mean and rude. and i knew it was happening again. i didn't know what to do. i'm so tired of our relationship getting even better and even worse each time we do this. and he knows it, he knows how incredible it is when we're together. he has admitted it numerous times and how abslutely captivated we are to just be in each other's presence. he started being mean and we fought all through my supper with daddy. then he told me he just doesn't want people close in his life. not just me, but nobody. he told me he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and we just have to stop this. like he's said every other time. i just keep telling him that i'm not going anywhere and i love him. and he said well maybe you can prove it to me one day. so i did.
i went to his apartment and i asked him how that was for proof. he got angry and told me he'd let me in but i couldn't stay over night. i didn't even want to stay over night. i just wanted to talk, i wanted to understand. i still don't understand. then we fought for a little while. and again he told me it wasn't about me. that he just didn't want any of this. he didn't want anyone to be close enough to him to ruin his dreams. and i kept asking him how i was ruining his dreams and if there was anybody who believed in him and supported him it was me. but he just kept saying he has goals and where he wants to get he needs to be completely alone.
i sat there bawling, trying my damnest to understand. but i don't understand. i still don't. and i told him i don't understand why he's throwing away someone who cares so much about him. and i don't understand how you just throw someone you love away. he told me that it wasn't that he didn't love me but that he couldn't be close to me or anyone for that matter. that he would fight the pain and tell himself every day that he could reach his goals if he just overcame this pain. that he's strong enough to live with that pain and reach his goals. i was speechless, i just bawled. i've never cried so hard in my life especially in front of someone else. i just don't understand. he means so much to me and i could never just throw the person i love away like that. i told him i didn't understand why it had to be either or. why can't he have both. he told me that we could talk occasionally though about things other than us. and i told him i don't want to just be an acquaintance with him. i want us to be in each others lives for real or not at all. it's too hard to watch someone you love from that far away.
he told me that i hurt him so bad that he didn't want anyone close to him. and i told him that he's the only reason i ever let anybody close to me. it's funny really in a not-at-all type way. i had very little to say and he just sat there, watching me cry, knowing that with everything he said he was breaking my heart into smaller and smaller pieces. then he said, "the truth really fucking hurts eh"?

how does love like that just up and walk away.

we spent an incredible night together. we fought all week about whether or not i should go because we both knew that no matter how hard we tried, it would happen. we were doing so good just laying in each others arms. just being with each other. sometimes talking and sometimes just in silence. i just needed to feel okay for awhile, safe. so we had a little fight that night but pretty much we resolved it there and then because we just wanted to have a nice night together. i felt bad because he had a final worth 70 percent the next morning and i kept encouraging him to study but he just wanted to be with me. then it happened. then we had a lovely evening a just layed in bed and cuddled. then he kissed me goodnight and held me so tight i thought he'd never let go.
in the morning we woke up and it happened again. fuck. then we just got in the shower and got ready for his test. had a bit of breakfast and coffee then studied and i had to go home to princess' first birthday but he hold me to text him later.

the truth really fucking hurts.

i want to talk about it, i know i should.
i suppose if i don't talk about it then it's not real.
then i won't have a breakdown.
i won't realize how broken i am.

i loved deeper and i spoke sweeter.

i gave forgiveness i'd been denying.

live like you were dying.

i asked him when it sank in that this might really be the real end,
"how's it hit you when you get that kinda news,
man what'd ya do?"

what do you think?

i'm going to nc's for supper with her and cme( re: antelope hunter). i really should be writing my essay but i just like don't care.
also, i just straightened my hair; it's getting really long. i have my haircut on wednesday. what should i do with it? i'm really torn because i want to completely revamp myself to hopefully feel refreshed and invigorated and new. but i've been told by a lot of people lately that i should keep it long. i have absolutely no idea what to do now because before i was was going to tell him (gay man= sooooo stoked) to just do whatever he wants but keep it long enough to get into a ponytail, even a tiny one and no wild colors like blue or pink or something ridiculous like that. then basically just let him do whatever he wants. i still might do that i just don't know.

white raisins.

have you ever been to bulk barn? it is a great place. it's like nutters kind of only way better. i have this weird thing about certain foods. like i like tomatoe sauce and ketchup and sundried tomatoes but i absolutely hate tomatoes. and i like grapes and craisins but not raisins (which here contrasts the taste and texture). so the other day nc and i went to bulk barn and she's like oh my gosh you have to try this they are so good. and i'm like sick i do not like raisins. and she's like these white ones are sooo good. so i tried it, and they are delicious. like how weird am i? i like the taste of grapes and the texture of crasins/white raisins but i don't like regular raisins. i am so freaking weird.

sitting there, watching me as you break my heart.

b: [bawling her eyes out like nobody is there.]
12: the truth really fucking hurts hey?

you gotta do what you've got to do.

i've decided i really need to spend some time working on myself. i was doing pretty good before and then the whole reading week thing happened then shit this weekend. i need to devote my life to me right now. getting healthier, physically, mentally and more than anything emotionally. i need to start being thankful for the things i do have instead of complaining about the things i don't. i need to really let myself have time for me every day. even if it's only twenty minutes, i need time other than the gym to just read or write or something. and not a broken 2 minutes here and three there, a full twenty minutes to just be me. i want to fully immerse myself in who i am, who i want to be, figure out what i really want in life, who i really want to be and then work towards that. this is about me and only me. and it is going to be absolutely brutally hard but that's just what i've gotta do.

breathe.

soo i went to the gym for like a good hour and a half two hours. and i feel better physically. i would like to attribute that to the lack of working out since thursday. (unless you're in bed all day, sex cardio doesn't count.. but if it does, you could say worked out friday and saturday too). i feel better because i did a nice warm-up then about 45 minutes to an hour of weight training and then another half hour of cardio. i'm still pretty messed up emotionally and mentally but i guess like always, i'll have to suck it up and suffer through being a university student.

i was wrong.

i really thought the whole 'spending my days in tears' thing was over.

she just couldn't believe it.

baby why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go.
i was counting on forever now i'll never know.
i can't even breathe.

words of the wise.

don't wait until you have lost something
to realize she/it was the best thing
that ever happened to you.

stupid boy.

you're a stupid boy.
you always had to be right.
and now you've lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive.

you had to take her and break her down.

she led her heart and soul right in your hands,
and you stole her every dream and crushed her plans.
she never even knew she had a choice
and that's what happens when the only voice
she hears is telling her she can't.

what made you think you could take a life.

she was everything beautiful,
and different.
stupid boy.

she never even knew she had a choice.

what made you think you could take a life,
and just push it, push it around.

this can't be happening to me.

i can't even put into words how i'm feeling right now. i feel like this is some sort of cruel joke or a dream. i don't even know but it is taking everything inside of me to not cry all the time. i had a pretty good sleep, which i didn't expect. i guess i'm just so exhausted. i am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. my heart hurts. i am nauseas and freezing cold and i do not know how i am going to concentrate to finish writing my essay.