Friday, February 21, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
I will never understand.
After everything we'd been through, I ask myself every day: how could you not read them?
Somber at best.
While I'm not a judge for ice dancing in the Olympics, I find it difficult to comprehend how the Americans beat the Canadians tonight. The combination of two world records in two days after skating the program all year seem pretty interesting. I don't know. I'm probably biased because I really enjoy Tessa and Scott. I think it's interesting considering much of the discussion of both programs short and free dance and the comparison between Americans and Canadians from commentators, etc. I don't want to discount the performance of the Americans, it was a job well done too but I didn't find it captivating. I couldn't take my eyes off of Tessa and Scott. In fact, I even think the Russians might have skated better than the Canadians AND the Americans in terms of difficulty. At the end of the day, I'm proud of Tessa and Scott and I think that any Canadian should be. Heartbreaking loss though. You could see it in Tessa and Scott's eyes, especially Scott's. Both yesterday and today after they skated, there was a sparkle in their eyes and when the Americans scored significantly higher (I'm not entirely sure what for, I might find it more believable if it were closer) Scott struggled with the result. He's more vocal than Tessa. While both maintained the utmost class and professionalism in their interviews, it's easy to see their hearts are broken. Hopefully this means they'll give 2018 another shot.
From S.
"But then I realized I was holding on to something that didn't exist anymore. That the person I missed didn't exist anymore. People change. The things we like and dislike change. And we could wish all day long that they didn't, but they always will."
From S.
"When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time, that's when it's real. That's when it's worth something."
Who knows for sure.
I may be taking a bit of a blogging hiatus. Not that I have m(any) readers but I thought I'd let you know. I have to force myself to write a little bit too raw even for my blog.
Maybe you need to fight a little harder to have your voice heard.
I have a voice. And my voice matters.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
my voice is different; I'm a fellow writer.
JM: "I have never seen anyone build walls like you do. You can build walls up instantaneously, for anything, at any time. And no one is getting through those walls unless you say so. You and C."
Me: "Like CC?"
JM: "Yes, the two of you are incredibly talented at building up walls."
I never really thought about that before, I mean in terms of why number twelve and I struggled so much sometimes. I mean I know that once one of us let one in, the other would decide it was too close and fuck it up. Both of us wanted so badly to be wholeheartedly involved but neither of us knew how to completely take down our own walls.
We were so much more alike that either of us ever wanted to believe. We are so much alike. We are both stubborn but not in a confrontational way. We are stubborn because neither of us want to get hurt. Neither of us are willing to compromise who we are for somebody else. And I think that's one of the things I love about number twelve. He is who he is and he's not going to apologize for it; but if he shows you it, you're lucky because most people never see that part of him.
I think that that's what makes everything so hard for me with number twelve. We are so much alike and we value so many of the same things. We have the foundations to build a really great relationship on, we've just never really been at the exact same place relationship-wise to start.
I know that it sounds delusional and ridiculous and naive but there is just something that tells me it is not over between us. And I don't like admitting that because I would like to move on and experience life and find someone that makes me happy. At the same time, my heart belongs to him. And I genuinely think that one day he's going to wake up from the illusion he's created for himself and the goals of wealth and success aren't going to be enough for him. He's going to realize that something is missing. And I am that something. Our love is that something.
Me: "Like CC?"
JM: "Yes, the two of you are incredibly talented at building up walls."
I never really thought about that before, I mean in terms of why number twelve and I struggled so much sometimes. I mean I know that once one of us let one in, the other would decide it was too close and fuck it up. Both of us wanted so badly to be wholeheartedly involved but neither of us knew how to completely take down our own walls.
We were so much more alike that either of us ever wanted to believe. We are so much alike. We are both stubborn but not in a confrontational way. We are stubborn because neither of us want to get hurt. Neither of us are willing to compromise who we are for somebody else. And I think that's one of the things I love about number twelve. He is who he is and he's not going to apologize for it; but if he shows you it, you're lucky because most people never see that part of him.
I think that that's what makes everything so hard for me with number twelve. We are so much alike and we value so many of the same things. We have the foundations to build a really great relationship on, we've just never really been at the exact same place relationship-wise to start.
I know that it sounds delusional and ridiculous and naive but there is just something that tells me it is not over between us. And I don't like admitting that because I would like to move on and experience life and find someone that makes me happy. At the same time, my heart belongs to him. And I genuinely think that one day he's going to wake up from the illusion he's created for himself and the goals of wealth and success aren't going to be enough for him. He's going to realize that something is missing. And I am that something. Our love is that something.
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