the web we weave.

did i mention that daddy made me a wonderful offer the other day??
he told me that if i come home for school next year that he will buy b and me a house to live in. how freaking sick would that be. we get along, have the same cleaning philosophies, we would have the hugest closet and we could party like rockstars after cooking like top chefs. yes, i think that sounds wonderful. i know it does. but i'm not sure my mental stability can handle rd just yet.

tears and rain.

how do you define the difference between regret and wishing you did something differently. i really regret the way i handled my first year of university. i wish i'd have lived in res just like they told me to so i would've met wonderful friends to last a lifetime. but i didn't. i lived alone and didn't really make any solid friends. i made better friends with cme and number 12's friends in lethbridge than anyone in cow town. that kinda hurts. now i don't know if i want to stay in cow-town or head south. i mean it is the best program, but am i just going there because it's easier to make friends. or do i stay in calg, at the school i love and live an extremely lonely life trying to make new friends.

i love you. and miss you very much.

i know how wrong it is. i called/text sunshine today. poor life choice i know. i had a bit of a breakdown and he's been on my mind. i tried to remember the last time i felt better just from hearing someone say the words, "it's gonna be alright, you're gonna be alright". i balled for half an hour and finally broke.
he called me later and left a drunken message. tomorrow(today) is vz's birthday. and in a week and a half is the day that caused us to become best friends. i'm just not sure how to cope. i'm worried about him. i don't know what to do.

how do you let go of the one person that has your heart?
how do you let go of the only person you truly love?

there, i said it out loud.

i miss you.

i love them and they take care of me.

i realized how skanky i sounded. they are my boys... ie. most girls have their girls.. no i have my boys. more commonly referred to as best friends, the guys, the dudes, the gang, MY boys. period.

please go away dumb girl.

so girl who hates me and i have no respect for (perhaps because she has been thorugh all of my friends, not slept with, but still.... ex. big brother, sofa king, gg, sunshine, semi-number 12 and now back to big brother). um hello whore please stay away from my friends because i truly have zero respect for you. and if you break another heart, you'll regret it. i promise you that. i am not a conniving bitch very often, but you do not f with my boys. they are my everything.

so-fa-king. so-f**king.

i love him to death too. i swear i do. but the hitting on me then feeling up your gf in front of me... not sweet. please, i'm begging you, stop it. i won't be the rebound so you go back to her... wtf is that. and then continue to hit on me whenever we're together. i just don't get it. like please, you're just the sofa king. you're my sofa king and i love you for it but i need to not be put in this position. besides not only would it kill your gf, it would kill number 12 too. and perhaps worst of all sunshine. please stop this. please stop making me want you.

disney scene it.

i love that game. we played tonight, jc and i. it was nice. it was like old times, good chat.. a brownie. you know. but she started talking about sunshine. it's always about sunshine. i love the kid to death i just don't know what to do about him anymore.

i can walk right by your picture in a frame, and not feel a thing but when i hear your name.

okay i have a pathetic confession to make.
i honestly don't even know what it is about him but i still think about sunshine. i've moved on, i'm into someone else but it's not the same. i still wonder how he's doing, what's new in his life, how school is, how life is, how his family is. i wonder about all of it. the new truck, living in calgary, the little ones, what he's doing for summer. and most of the time i can throw these feelings away in an instant because i know i'm better off. and i know that number 12 really loves me and he's so good to me. i know that i'm so much happier and i can't even explain the differences in who i am from who i was to who i've become.
but honestly, his everytime i hear his name it gets me. i get weak in the knees all over and all i can think about is him. i saw that he was on facebook and i had to sign out. that's my being strong. how pathetic is that.

and what's even more pathetic is that no one even has a clue that i still think about him.

this is one of those things that gets sweeter with time.

there might be a little dust on the bottle,
don't let it fool ya about what's inside.

i know i can't go back but i still go back.

when the conversation turns to you;
i get lost in "you were the only one for me".
kinda thought and your face is all that i see.

speechless.

about a half an hour ago i had a lot to say.
and now, nothing.

the one before.

perhaps i am immature or dirty-minded but every time i hear that saying, you know "different strokes for different folks" i basically burst out laughing. in fact, you can picture me as one of the kids who's sitting in health class in like grade 6 uncontrollably giggling as the teacher says the words 'penis' and 'vagina'. ironically, in my university class, people become extremely uncomfortable and there is still at least 1 out of 300 students that giggles uncontrollably when a university prof says those words. at least i grew up enough to not be THAT kid.

different strokes for different folks.

seriously, stirling is like the funniest kid ever. we have such random, funny chats. i thoroughly enjoy them. he loves to beak about my lack of relationship and i love to beak about his almost marriage. we've come to the conclusion that whatever makes ya happy is key.

suzy homemaker.

so fyi. anyone who appreciates coach... it's like mad sale in cross iron mills. it's like ridiculous. 125$ for a normally 395$ purse today.
also i spent the rest of the day taking care of the niece, cleaning, cooking and doing laundry. sheesh i would make a good house wife.

i had so many dreams about you and me.

maybe i was naive, got lost in your eyes
and never really had a chance.
my mistake, i didn't know to be
in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.

i could go back to every laugh, but i don't wanna go there anymore.

please stop being on my mind and leave me alone sunshine. i love you and i probably always will. but i need you to let me let you go. i need to not think about you every day. i'm trying to move on, i am.
"i'm not running away from my problems, i'm walking away from something that's broken. i just don't know how to let him go."

convenience.

do you ever feel like you are the convenient friend?
i'm not trying to be cocky, or over confident or anything but i really pride myself in my friendships and the way i treat my friends about 99 percent of the time. sometimes i feel like i put a lot more effort in than my counterparts though. and i end up feeling very used. it's sucky but i'm not really sure how to fix it. 'friends' walk all over me and they treat me like shit and screw me over time and time again. yet, they know if they truly need something i will never ever say no. i always do my best to help them; i listen to them at 3am; i come home when they need me to. i just feel like i don't have friends that would do the same. it's really hard to swallow that. i do have some amazing friends but sometimes, unless i initiate things, nothing gets done. and it's just frustrating because i know that they need me more than i need them. but i don't know how to let them go. i just don't know how. it's a flaw and i'm not proud of it.

countdown.

2-3 days until i am finished the first year of university classes.
15 days until i am finished the first year of university completely.
15-16 days until we are both home for the summer.

apparently, i learned to tell a lie via bbm.

so i definitely went to lethbride on thursday.
haha no one knows though. i never even told my daddy.
it was nice though.