It's still there.

It's always going to be there, isn't it?

You and me. 

and I pray, to be only yours.

I give you my destiny,
I'm giving you all of me.

This love is treacherous.. I, I, I like it.

It's getting harder you know.... Not to text number twelve. Which I thought it was going to be the opposite. I thought it would get easier and easier. But it didn't. It was easy at first because I was mad. I'm not mad anymore though, I just miss him. He was my best friend and it kills me that I don't know how he's doing or what's going on in his life. It kills me he doesn't know how I'm doing or what's going on in my life. I just want to know how his life is. If he's doing good, if he's struggling.
I guess I want to know if he's completely happy, if it's possible for him to be completely happy without me.

Love is a ruthless game, unless you play it good and right.

NB and CK got engaged and they have set their date for July 27. I am honestly so mind fucked by the entire situation. I mean I always knew this day would come but it really puts things into perspective.
I honestly cannot even imagined getting married right now. I don't even have a viable prospect. I am blown away by the idea of marriage. And it helped talking to my sister tonight because she reminded me that just because it wouldn't make me happy doesn't mean it won't make someone else happy.
And I've always known this is what NB wanted. I mean, this is her dream come true. And because it is her dream come true, I will support her. She's happy, this is what she wished for.
It's hard for me because this wouldn't make me happy. I mean yes, one day I want to get married. One day I'd like to fall in love again. But one day is far away. I am not ready to open my heart to love like that, I am not ready to open my heart to hurt like that. I look at people like S, and yes, she's got a lot of life left to live before she settles down completely, but at least she as a boy who loves her. And for me, I think that's what scares me.
I don't have a boy in love with me. I don't have a boy that has flat-out said I want to marry you one day. And I think that is a part of the reason I was with number twelve so strong. I believed so inherently in the fact that love like that only comes around once. I'm still not sure I will find a love that intense. But maybe it doesn't need to be that intense. Maybe the boy who is right for me will just love me, unconditionally. And maybe he will support me and believe in me. And that will be enough. Maybe number twelve is that boy who's not quite the man I'm going to marry. I just am not there yet. I feel pressure to be there, to want a relationship. But I don't honestly believe I'm at a place where I would be happy with settling down. I don't even mean in terms of partying, I mean in terms of making a life-long commitment to somebody else. It's hard being in this Mormon city where everyone is married or in a serious relationship. Nearly all of my good friends are in relationships. And it was nice when TK was completely against any sort of relationship because she was the one. Or even when K didn't have a girlfriend. But I'm surrounded now.
I don't know if this is some sort of message or what, but I am just not ready. I can't honestly say I've moved on completely from number twelve. And to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be able to say that.  And I'm okay with that because I know that that's a love I will never regret, a love I wouldn't take back. I suppose I just feel pressured. I feel like when you are a female, everyone expects that you want to get married and have kids and have a boy that loves you. Yeah, it'd be nice to have a boy that loves me. But that's not happening any time soon and it will not determine my happiness. No he will ever determine my happiness again. He will add to it, he will aim for it. I want to find something to love on my own. Then a him to love.

Or you'll end up next to me in her side show.

If you know what's good for you, you'll just let her go.

Baby, get your shine on.

It's harder to shine than to undermine.

Sucky Colds.

Last night I fell asleep at like 7pm. I woke up at 7:34 am today. Talk about exhaustion.

Sick.

My head honestly feels like it's going to explode. I had my first day of practicum and now I am actually dying a little bit because I am getting a cold. I can feel it. There is so much pressure in my head.

keep dreaming.

Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart.

moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head.

Today is the closest I've come to texting number twelve in ages. It has been exactly 7 weeks since we spoke... Well, since he spoke to me. I never answered. I think it's hard because he was my best friend for so long. And I have great other friends and I have met wonderful friends the last few months. But, because there's always a but, none of them are him. There is a part of me that no one else will ever have. It's a part of me that's his now. And I am okay with the fact that he will always have it even if we are never together again, it's his. And it always will be.
I have so many exciting things going on right now and I just want to tell him all about it. When I found out my practicum placement, I wanted to call him. I saw his sister last night and told her about it and I just wanted it to be him that I was telling. I think if I hadn't lost my best friend and the love of my life all at once, it'd be okay. But I did. He was the first person I told anything to. He was always the one I wanted to tell when I had a great day or a bad day or the worst day.
I think it's something that's never going to go away. I will always love him and I'm okay with that. And I have so many wonderful things in my life to be thankful for, and I am, and I appreciate all that I have. But we always want more, and I want him. I miss him.

Love, always.

There's something I really respect about country relationships... They are more down to earth. I look at people like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw or Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood and Brad Paisley and his wife and even more recently Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert. You can see that these celebrity couple really love each other. I just think its amazing in such a fast-paced and high divorce rate world when you see people that really love each other.

Sleep is for the weak.

Apparently my body is telling me I need some rest. That is two days in one week that I slept until 11 am. That is so unlike me

Silly girls falling in love.

So one of my friends got engaged tonight. I always knew that they would get married. It's too young for me but at the end of the day, she's happy. And that's what matters.

This time baby I'll be bulletproof.

Been there, done that, messed around. I'm having fun, don't put me down. I'll never let you sweep me off my feet.

I remember it all too well.

You call me up again just to break me like a promise,
so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

Disappear.

Sometimes I just want to disappear completely.

Momma, I love you.

I just bawled on the phone to my momma for 57 minutes. It's hard because whenever I'm afraid of something, or I don't want to face something I avoid her. I avoid her because I know how it's going to end. It's going to end with me having a metal breakdown and mom just putting it back together. She always knows when it's coming. And she always has a way of forcing you to face the truth. To trust yourself and let go of the bullshit. Let go of everything that's holding you back. And just be. Be who you are. Be your best self.

Only sadness.

And I see no bravery, no bravery, in your eyes anymore. Only sadness.

Fuck it.

Double standards are such bullshit. I am so unbelievably tired of them.

No bravery in your eyes anymore, only sadness.

"If you love someone, be brave enough to tell them, otherwise, be brave enough to watch them be loved by someone else.”

You just never know.

Today was a funny day.