NB and CK got engaged and they have set their date for July 27. I am honestly so mind fucked by the entire situation. I mean I always knew this day would come but it really puts things into perspective.
I honestly cannot even imagined getting married right now. I don't even have a viable prospect. I am blown away by the idea of marriage. And it helped talking to my sister tonight because she reminded me that just because it wouldn't make me happy doesn't mean it won't make someone else happy.
And I've always known this is what NB wanted. I mean, this is her dream come true. And because it is her dream come true, I will support her. She's happy, this is what she wished for.
It's hard for me because this wouldn't make me happy. I mean yes, one day I want to get married. One day I'd like to fall in love again. But one day is far away. I am not ready to open my heart to love like that, I am not ready to open my heart to hurt like that. I look at people like S, and yes, she's got a lot of life left to live before she settles down completely, but at least she as a boy who loves her. And for me, I think that's what scares me.
I don't have a boy in love with me. I don't have a boy that has flat-out said I want to marry you one day. And I think that is a part of the reason I was with number twelve so strong. I believed so inherently in the fact that love like that only comes around once. I'm still not sure I will find a love that intense. But maybe it doesn't need to be that intense. Maybe the boy who is right for me will just love me, unconditionally. And maybe he will support me and believe in me. And that will be enough. Maybe number twelve is that boy who's not quite the man I'm going to marry. I just am not there yet. I feel pressure to be there, to want a relationship. But I don't honestly believe I'm at a place where I would be happy with settling down. I don't even mean in terms of partying, I mean in terms of making a life-long commitment to somebody else. It's hard being in this Mormon city where everyone is married or in a serious relationship. Nearly all of my good friends are in relationships. And it was nice when TK was completely against any sort of relationship because she was the one. Or even when K didn't have a girlfriend. But I'm surrounded now.
I don't know if this is some sort of message or what, but I am just not ready. I can't honestly say I've moved on completely from number twelve. And to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be able to say that. And I'm okay with that because I know that that's a love I will never regret, a love I wouldn't take back. I suppose I just feel pressured. I feel like when you are a female, everyone expects that you want to get married and have kids and have a boy that loves you. Yeah, it'd be nice to have a boy that loves me. But that's not happening any time soon and it will not determine my happiness. No he will ever determine my happiness again. He will add to it, he will aim for it. I want to find something to love on my own. Then a him to love.
1 comment:
You are only 21 my love. It's hard when all of our friends are getting engaged/in serious relationships/etc, but in the grand scheme of things (that is - outside of relatively redneck Alberta) 21 is soooo young.
Who knows. You could meet someone in the next year - and, like they say, when you know you know. Right? Worry about not finding anyone when you're in your mid 30's, not now. You're too much of a gem to ever have to worry about not finding someone like you know who.
Post a Comment