f boys.

I have officially decided that I am going to swear off relationships, keep everyone arms length away, especially males (see number twelve in particular) thus I will never be hurt and I can conquer the world (obviously in a strictly business/financial way that will allow me to affect positive change).

what am I supposed to say?

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me has always been

you?

where I come from, rain is a good thing.

It's been raining lots here and mosdt people are complaining sooo much but I myself actually love it. I love the rain. I love storms when it pours rain and I love light gentle sprinkle. And I love heat lightening at night in the summer. Mostly I like rain because it seems refreshing. It is beautiful and it smells amazing. It seems like a way to wash away all the residue of the past. It gets rid of the winter dust and dirt and it cleanses the soul at the same time. It allows for new things to grow, relationships, planted seeds. It makes everything green and full.
My favorite thing to do is go for long runs in the rain. One time LG and I were in Vancouver visiting my auntie and it was just pouring so we decided to go for a run along the seawall. And we had shorts and jackets on and all these people from vancouver were freaking about how we were going to get so sick and all we could think about was how beautiful it was. We even went down to the beach eventually and walked in the water.
Yeah where I come from, rain is a good thing.

I miss the way it felt back then, I wanna feel that way again.

Now we keep saying that we're okay,
but I don't wanna settle for good not great.

hope; renewed.

For the first time in a long time,
I feel like it's all going to be okay.

It's a roller coaster kind of rush; I never knew I could feel that much but that's the way I loved you.

I think the hardest part of everything with number twelve is that I know he still cares too. he proved that on Sunday morning. I was pretty upset Saturday but my conversation with CE's dad really changed my perspective on the situation. And despite my inherent desire to come across some sort of sign or reason or something that let me know he still cared, now that I know it almost sucks. If he didn't care and I didn't care at all, our lives would be much easier. But that's the issue. We both still care. We both still love one another despite everything. We've both made a  lots of mistakes, some bigger than others but mistakes and pain nonetheless.
I think that we are both so tired of the fighting and the pain and the hurt that we just hope that isolating ourseleves from each other will just make all those feelings go away. It doesn't work like that. We are going to have to work our asses off to work on our relationship/friendship/ none of the above. It's going to take a lot; mainly commitment. Commitment to each other, commitment to ourselves, commitment to the fact that we are important and we are going to have to face this one day. We're gonna have good days, bad days, and brutal days but we just have to trust that our love for each other can overcome anything we encounter. It is how we choose to deal with our decisions and out experiences that will decide our fate. It's a choice. And a big one at that.

blackbird.

all your life,
you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

I don't need you; but I do, I do, I do.

After everything in that little black dress,
after everything, I must confess;
I need you.

only you will know that part of me.

I am naive and I know it. I am absolutely without a doubt naive and impractical and unrealistic. I believe in things I shouldn't believe in, I genuinely desire an ideal life/world and I without a doubt believe that some day I will reach my distorted perception of reality world of perfection. I'm a dreamer. I think with my heart more often than my head but I feel with my head more often than my heart.
I am very good at convincing people of my strength and my inability to break, my inability to be beaten. Some call it courage, some call it perserverance while others call it stupidity. Despite being given every reason not to believe, I still do. And for the life of me, I cannot explain why. I want to believe in the best of everyone so I convince myself that this time it will be different even though I know that it won't be different. I give out too many chances and I know that it is me that ends up hurt when I do.
Cliche as it may be, I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, or at least I try to. I am very honest and I care about integrity. When I make a mistake, I am more disappointed in myself than everyone else combined. I try to convince myself that other people hold me to a higher standard than they hold others to; and while many people do, I hold myself to the highest standard. I will forgive anybody, except myself. I devote every waking hour to the people I love and I never forget to do things for other people but I often forget to make time for myself.
I find a way to take the blame for things that do not really affect me and I always feel guilty for things that are not my fault. I take responsibility and try to control things that are impossible to control. I desperately cling to hope when deep down I know something or someone is hopeless. I take empathy to a whole new level by taking on the pain of others.
For some reason I feel like I should carry the weight of this world, of all the people I know and all the people I don't. I feel responsible for things I am not responsible for and I have extreme difficulty with letting go. I am great at giving advice because I have the soul of a very old person yet I am often a hypocrite to my own advice. Some people think that I am arrogant and egotistical but my heart is truly in the right place. I'm not afraid to admit that I have flaws I'd just rather not show that side of weakness to anyone else. It's easy to find flaws in myself but I'd never let anyone see that part of me. I get flustered because you put me on a pedastol and you cannot see me for me but that's my fault too because I refuse to show anyone that I am human. I believe that I should be better, good enough but I need to remember that I make mistakes and that's my saving grace.
Keeping the world at arm's length is safe, yet it leads me back to someone I used to be, someone I used to know. And only you will know that part of me.

never let go.

Well this morning number twelve left the E residence to come home and keep me safe for awhile. It was a horible idea and we both knew it when he offered to come make sure I was okay but for some reason, we did it anyways. And for the first time in a long time, I felt okay again. I felt absolutely and completely safe for three whole hours. And you have no idea how much that means.

hope renewed; true love exists.

I believe again.

where to start.

I have so much to say. I don't even know where to start. It doesn't help that I feel absolutely awful and I am dead tired and hungover beyond belief.