It's a roller coaster kind of rush; I never knew I could feel that much but that's the way I loved you.

I think the hardest part of everything with number twelve is that I know he still cares too. he proved that on Sunday morning. I was pretty upset Saturday but my conversation with CE's dad really changed my perspective on the situation. And despite my inherent desire to come across some sort of sign or reason or something that let me know he still cared, now that I know it almost sucks. If he didn't care and I didn't care at all, our lives would be much easier. But that's the issue. We both still care. We both still love one another despite everything. We've both made a  lots of mistakes, some bigger than others but mistakes and pain nonetheless.
I think that we are both so tired of the fighting and the pain and the hurt that we just hope that isolating ourseleves from each other will just make all those feelings go away. It doesn't work like that. We are going to have to work our asses off to work on our relationship/friendship/ none of the above. It's going to take a lot; mainly commitment. Commitment to each other, commitment to ourselves, commitment to the fact that we are important and we are going to have to face this one day. We're gonna have good days, bad days, and brutal days but we just have to trust that our love for each other can overcome anything we encounter. It is how we choose to deal with our decisions and out experiences that will decide our fate. It's a choice. And a big one at that.