Sooo tired.

I was I didn't feel like death. And also that I wasn't the worst procrastinator of all time. 

bedtime for this gal.

Some days you just have to go to bed.

That's the way I loved you.

I was driving today and The Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift came on. And when it did, I realized everything. 

"He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better

He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says, you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I've been screaming and fighting
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space and never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing, and I'm comfortable

But I've been screaming and fighting
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
'Cause I'm not feelin' anything at all

And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake and now

I'll be screaming and fighting

And kissing in the rain
It's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you

Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

And that's the way I loved you
I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you"

This is exactly how I feel about MV and Number Twelve. MV is perfect, he is incredible to me but there is absolutely nothing there. He is everything a girl would want a man to be. But it's not enough. I don't feel anything at all. 

I am almost mad at myself. I'm mad that I cannot feel anything for anyone. 

I feel like all of my friends are getting married or having babies or moving in together and it's just so frustrating because all of these people are finally getting their happy endings and I have to start all over. I put my heart, soul and everything I have into nearly 6 years with number twelve and now I just have to take all of that as ~life experience~? How do you even start over after that long with someone. 

Strength.

So last Wednesday I started to write about it. I was tired though so I went to sleep. In my class on Wednesday, I got super emotional. It was overwhelming actually. We talked about personal life changing experiences. We had to write about a significant person, a significant place and a significant event.
People began to share these incredibly personal stories with people they've known for only a few weeks. One guy spoke about the testicular cancer, another girl spoke about losing a friend, and the guy right before me spoke about the racism he encountered in Calgary because of the colour of his skin.
When I went up I think I was just so blown away by the emotional toll I had just encountered (I was one of the last to share). So when I went to speak about my sister getting pregnant and J being born, I burst into tears. I remember how sick B was and how they thought she had cancer so when she told us we were relieved. And since she's built such a wonderful life for herself and for him.
I felt like even though I got super emotional about it, I felt like I half-assed the story I shared after everything I encountered this year. I felt like there are a lot of more horrible and more personal things I could have shared. So I was talking to MV about how I kind of felt like a coward for not really opening up the way that I should have. And he spoke to me about it and he was just so kind and so supportive and I didn't really know how to explain it. He reminded me that I have been through a lot in my life and it's okay if I'm not ready to share with other people. He reminded me that being strong isn't relative to someone else. Everyone has strength in different moments. It's okay to be silently strong. It's okay to be strong without showing the world how strong you are. It's okay to just be strong instead of act strong.

You're not sorry.

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade. 

Why love.

I have found companionship with MV. I think that's what's the best part. We have talked like all weekend since I left and it's just nice to have someone to talk to. I honestly like miss hanging out with him and it's just so weird because it's just literally that notion of someone next to you. He keeps me from my own thoughts. And I think that's so important sometimes. Like we have our spots and his house and his spare bed is amazingly comfortable and it's funny because I always fall asleep. I fall asleep because I feel safe when I'm with him. I feel secure and content. 

It makes me think like do we even need relationships? Do we need marriage? Do we need ~love~? Or do we just create this ridiculous notion of what we think life is supposed to be? I mean I was in a relationship (essentially) for 5 years and now it's over and I'm consistently happier than I have been in years. I don't doubt for a second that there's a shortage of love between 12 and I. I know there's an overwhelming  amount. Does that mean it was a good situation or relationship or whatever? Love isn't enough. 

Into the Wild.

"Rather than love, rather than money, rather than faith, than fairness... Give me truth." 

Probably should be shitfaced?

I had close to 16 shots tonight. I would say at least 12 and I feel completely sober. What the fuck is wrong with me?