Why do I keep letting you get to me?

You're a buzz kill every time you come around, those beers might as well have been poured out. Why are you still showing up and bringing me down? Why do I keep letting you get to me and mess up what this night was supposed to be? You walk right by, crashing my high like I know you will. You little buzz kill. 

Oops, was that my outside voice?

Look, call me a bitch but I'd rather not be living in my parents house and working at an ice cream shop for 10$ an hour when I get married.

it's always going to be there.

Yesterday I was talking to JP and she was like, I can't believe number twelve hasn't said anything yet. At all.
And then DVZ and I went for dinner and we were kind of talking and I said I think JP is naive enough to believe that one day he's just going to wake up and everything will click for him. He will just wake up and be like, I love her what have I been thinking.
DVZ was like I'm kind of wondering why he hasn't yet.
I think that's what is so difficult. I don't really understand why. I don't understand how we got here.
DVZ and JP have both told me they think I'll hear from him before the end of the summer, before he leaves I mean. And every time they say that I say I don't know. Mostly, I don't know what to say because if he doesn't it will shatter me. I will be more broken than I thought was possible, more broken than I am now.
I almost feel like I'm grieving the loss of him right now. I gave him my heart and soul and he said nothing, absolutely nothing. And now I don't know what to do.
Everyone says, why don't you just move on. You deserve better. And a million other things. What they don't understand is that I can't just ~move on~. I have been trying to for 3 years. And if you've never felt this way about someone, then I don't think that you can comment on it. My heart stops when I see him. My stomach drops, I'm speechless, I'm nervous when I see him. And then he gives me a hug and it all goes away. I feel more comfortable and more myself than any other time.
So what am I supposed to do?

Change.

Seeing photos of the golf course is so weird. It lacks so much of the classic Rdgcc crew. 

It's called having faith.

I can't wrap my head around it. 

Maybe your head's in the way. 

It's never too late.

Chance to do what, make a fool of myself? 

Best parents.

I just don't understand some people's lack of respect. I look at other people and I wonder who raised you? Then I am grateful for my parentals, especially for the days I hated them. Those are the days I know they loved me enough to make me hate them.