Hard truths.

I'm not the one who changed, he is. And now somehow, I'm the one who's broken because of it. 

Make your intentions known.

Be positive. Ask the world for what you want. I promise, it's listening. 

We make a really good team coach.

Sometimes I want to ask him why he is so good to me. But I'm afraid. I shouldn't be because he will probably say something along the lines of "you deserve it" or "it's just what I do". He is so incredibly good to me. I know that I deserve to be treated well and that I treat others well but at some point, I just want someone to love me back. That's the hardest part. One of these times I just want someone who is kind to me and tells me I'm beautiful and treats me well to tell me that he loves me. That he wants to be with me. I don't know if D is that person but I wouldn't be disappointed if he was. 

Today was stressful. It was long and exhausting. It was a blast. The kids had fun, I had fun but it was a lot of work. At lunch he said want to go for a drive? I said yessss anywhere. So we drove and he smoked excessively and we got a coffee. All afternoon I felt like I smelled like smoke even after I sprayed perfume. All my life I've thought it's the biggest turn off but for some reason, it doesn't really bother me when he does. After school we were sitting in his vehicle and he said something and I was like please can you do it for me, for alllll the things I do for you? And he's like hey hey I get you back. I always make sure what you do for me doesn't go unnoticed. And he does. So we're joking about today and dumb stuff and he said good job today. It went well, we make a really good team. "We make a really good team". A part of me went a little weak. We do make a good team and he is so good to me. He's jothing I ever imagined but he is so kind and generous and he makes me laugh. I honestly laugh even when he makes me angry, even when I'm so grumpy, he makes me laugh so hard byes my friend. And it's just nice. 

Perspective.

I went to Paint Nite with ED the other night. It was really interesting and I needed it alot. We talked about J and D and so much of it was E being like D is so good to you. Why are you fighting it? He probably can tell that you have a block because of J and you have to let it go because D is good to you. He's attractive, he makes you laugh and treats you so incredibly well.
J doesn't want a relationship but he doesn't want you to be with anyone else. He knows how much you bring to his life and he doesn't think you'll leave. He lets you get as far as you can and then he reels you back in when he thinks you're going to walk away.
You feel unappreciated at the restaurant but it's exacerbated by the fact you feel unappreciated by him in your friendship. And you should. You are always going to give more than he does. The only way he is going to realize it is if you leave.
If you leave the restaurant, your life really isn't going to change that dramatically. Sure, you'll have to change you're lifestyle a bit to account for less income but overall, it won't change. You will still be friends with the girls you are friends with. You still have all of your school and sports and you are busy.
His world will fall apart. If you leave, he will realize just how much he relied on you. And just how much you did for him. For him, he won't see you and he'll realize how much he misses you and all that you have been for him for so long. He'll realize how much he took you for granted.

When I think about it, she's right. My life won't change drastically... Especially in September when I'm back to school. The only thing is, when she said that I thought I would feel like I should want him to realize what he had and then try to win me back. But I don't. I don't feel like that at all. I feel like I want him to know how much he hurt me. How many days I sat in tears. I want him to know that he lost his chance.
And it bothers me. I'm angry with him. It bothers me that for a second I wanted him to feel pain. That's not who I am. I think what I really want is for him to feel that absence. The longing. The realization that he missed out. That he took for granted everything he had for so long.

Words I couldn't say.

Do you know what it feels like the moment you realize how little you mean to someone who means the world to you? 

Like a freight train, it hit me. And everything clicked.

The moment you realize how little you matter to someone really stings.

I'm soo upset I can't sleep.