Go to bed, dream of you, that's what I'm doing these days.

Why am I wide awake thinking about you?

decisions, decisions.

I'm really unsure whether or not I should take classes that interest me or classes that I'm not even remotely interested in to get a minor for my last semester of arts and science in the fall.
If school wasn't so incredibly expensive, I'd go forever. I honestly love education and university. I love the pursuit of knowledge. Picking classes is difficult for me because there are so many that I want to take.

Dr. Seuss

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Silly love.

It's taking everything inside of me not to text or call number twelve right now.

Unusual.

It seems kind of weird not to be home while everyone else is.

KC

"Pretty much everyone has a nice rack in this class except ________, ________ and ________. " Goes through every girl in the class...." B, we'll skip her since she's sitting right here."
Right, because it's such a secret that I have big boobs.

I wear the pain like a heavy coat, I feel you everywhere I go.

And sometimes, I wonder, who you'd be today.

highway don't care, but I do.

I can't live with you, I can't live without you, baby.

I love you but you drive me crazy.

Sometimes the things we love the most make us the craziest because we love them.

Maybe one day

Do you ever feel like something is completely right at the completely wrong time?

February 21, 2008

"Life is simple... you make choices and you don't look back"
-number twelve

Tim McGraw + Taylor Swift + Keith Urban = EPIC

The highway won't hold you tonight, the highway don't know that you're alive, the highway don't care if you're all alone, but I do, I do. The highway won't dry your tears, the highway don't need you here, the highway don't care if you're coming home, but I do, I do.

It's not like you to leave the stage in the middle of a song.

Just to top off how hard KW's funeral was, they played songs like Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney, Why by Rascal Flatts. Nothing like asking for tears.

Self-control.

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still."
-Lao Tzu

Lao

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."

Direction.

"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
-Lao Tzu

No strings attached.

We don't pick who we fall in love with and it never happens like it should.

What the fucking fuck.

And once again, I'm back in tears.

I spoke too soon, once again.

And the text from number twelve rolls in.

anticipate the difficult by managing the easy.

"Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses."
-Lao Tzu

Lao Tzu

One of my friends has this tattooed on her ribcage,
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage".

Courage.

This week has been so surreal. I'm not even sure what's real anymore. It's like everything that I never would have imagined has happened. I am still not sure I have fully processed the KW thing. And yesterday, after I stopped to see number twelve, I called him and left a message telling him I did. That is completely out of character for me. I think that I needed it to be over for real. I think I needed him to completely ignore me, to completely move on. At any other time in my life, I would have had a breakdown because he never even texted me back. But I didn't. I'm actually completely okay. I mean I love him and miss him but I'm almost starting to believe that's just something I will always feel for him. And if that's the case, I think I'm okay with it.
TK always tells me he's a habit, one that will be hard to kick because I've been doing it for so long: loving him the way that I do.
Yesterday, LG told me that she thinks that I'm afraid of another relationship, afraid of love because nobody worth it has come into my life yet. Nobody that is even remotely worth me giving up time and energy for has come into my life after number twelve, and that's why I'm afraid. But if I wait, and if I meet the right boy, that I will be willing to risk love again.
I don't really know what to think because I don't know what I would do if a man came into my life that was worth it. I cannot say how I would react, how I would feel or what I would do. I don't really want a relationship right now, I mean I want a boy to be next to me sometimes, but I'm not ready for a relationship. And I know that.
I just hope LG is right. I hope that when a wonderful man comes into my life I have the courage to let him in, the courage to give him a chance, the courage to let him love me, the courage to love him back.

You changed, you're not the boy I thought you were.

Love me like you loved me when you loved me and you didn't have to try.