hope.

So as I was typing the last blog title, another one came up. It said "you believed baby" and so I wanted to see what I'd written. When I went to that post it relit the fire inside me, the hope and the faith that drives me to keep on believing. There are days when I have trouble believing in God and fate and that any of this matters. And I've been having a lot of those days lately. Life's been hard and I haven't really felt anything that makes me feel worthwhile. I've been sad and disheartened. I want it all to mean something, life, where I am right now in my life, what I want to accomplish. I want to have certain things in my life. And reading this post reminded me why I still believe.

http://imjustconsistentlyinconsistent.blogspot.com/search?q=you+believed+baby

you just might make me belive.

Yesterday I went to antelope hunter's to pick up some stuff of mine from university and that I left on M's grad night. And I ended up taking to A and K for a long while then we decided to go see antelope hunter and have a snack (and me a drink). So we head to Mohave and number 12 is the bartender there. And A and K always talk about number twelve and how they just want him to grow up because everyone sees us together and he's just being a dickhead right now. And I get why he's doing what he is but that doesn't make it any easier. So before we left I went into the bar and said thank you for my drinks. We talked for a few minutes and then I just had to leave because I was on the edge of tears.
He told me that he's going to the stampede today and that really hurts me. It hurts me that he makes time for all his friends and they go out and they do fun things and blah blah and last summer it was like pulling teeth trying to go out and do something that wasn't a date just him and I. And even those were rare. I guess what bothers me is that I feel like he's ashamed of me. I mean, I am completely content being home 9 out of 10 days and I loved that we didn't have to go out and we could just stay home and bake a cake or make dinner or whatever. But it hurts me that he never wanted to show me off. He was never proud to be with me.
And I was just the opposite. I was so proud to be with him. I wanted everyone to see how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I guess it's just hard to watch a boy who completely gave up drinking for a dream, watch him lose his dream and fight for another dream for so long to come home for the summer and turn into an alcoholic slut. It just sucks. I want him to be happy but this just isn't who he is. He did this two summers ago, right after we graduated. And I mean I get it, he's a really sexy and brilliant 20 year old boy with the world ahead of him and plenty to offer; yet he is going out and wasting everything he is and everything he has to offer for nothing.
Last night after Harry Potter (which was amazing I might add, yet I couldn't fully enjoy it because number twelve stole my mind) I went for a drive. And I ended up outside his work and I just sat there in tears trying to understand. I am trying to comprehend how we got here and what all of this is trying to teach me. I didn't have the balls to go inside because I didn't know what I'd say. I just kind of sat there going over in my head what I would say to him. What would I do to convince him that this is real? How do I convince him to believe in us like I do?

julian baker.

happiness is a condition not a destination.
and I bet we'd all find it more often if we looked at it that way.

the notebook.

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."

This is how I feel. It's not gonna be easy, it's going to be really hard. And I know that. But I feel like not being together is like an attempt to make life easy. To not be with the one person that can pull all the strings of your heart with a  simple smile, that can shatter your heart for simply being around a certain person, that can make you melt simply seeing them. Not giving that person your heart is easier than giving complete trust and complete access to your heart for someone that has such influence over you. Because when someone has that much of you and you let all inhibitions go, you are giving them the ability to destroy you, to break you completely. But you're also giving them the ability to make you the happiest person alive.

if that wasn't love then what do you call september, do you remember?

there were some things we could not overcome,
but love or a lack of it never was one.

it's still fearless.

So today I went and dropped off number twelve's hoodie. I think it's the last thing I had of his. It just seemed time for me to let all of my hurt and regret go and attempt to move on. I love the kid, I cannot even explain how much he makes me feel. I have to admit, I looked really good when I went there today. I wore a black high wasted skirt with a long sleeve blue blouse and I wore nude pumps with little nude bows on the back of them. I had my hair done (for once in my life) and I wore my glasses. I just wanted to make an impression. I wanted him to remember.
Well as much as I tried to hit him at the core with my fabulous wardrobe choice, he ended up answering the door shirtless, with dress pants, my favorite hair style and just a bit of his scruff. He's also put on some weight and looking absolutely fantastic again. Needless to say, he won. I was honestly speechless. I had to leave immediately. I got in my car and thought I was going to vomit. My stomach dropped and my heart sped up to 10000 beats a minute. I started crying and I just lost it.
I really thought I was getting somewhere with this. But he's still the one. He is the one. That's all there is to it.

it was the summer of our discontent.

I'm so annoyed with everyone and everything. Like it drives me up the wall. And by it, I mean everything. Nothing satisfies me. I'm always grumpy because I'm unhappy and unsettled and not content. I guess that's it, I can never find anything, any plae where I'm content.

you had to take her and break her down.

it took awhile for her to figure out that she could run,
but when she did she was, long gone, long gone.

stupid boy.

she was everything beautiful;
and different.

leeeet it go.

I'm so effin annoyed. Last night was my boss' fiftith birthday. And it was so fun the whole night there was a band and everything. And then JC started talking about sunshine. She's like oh you don't care if I dance with sunshine do you? And I was like nope I'm over it it was two years ago. We all know that he's the one that's not over it, not me. And I said that to her too. I was like well SB (his brother), his parents, grandparents... they're all over it. It's just him who isn't so maybe tell him that you're with me instead of asking me if it's okay. I appreciate that she was like hey do you care, knowing that he's a big part of my history. But in all honesty, you and him are like best friends these days so I was pissed off about it 2 years ago but that's exactly it. It was two years ago soo let's let it go.
I am just so tired of always being blamed for everything. For the first time in my life, I put myself first when I asked him to get out of my life. And it was the best thing I have ever done. I stopped hurting for him and longing for him and I became such a confident happy person. It reopened all the doors for number twelve and I and it let us actually be together. That was amazing and I wouldn't take it back for anything. In essence, sunshine is the one who needs to grow the fuck up and get the fuck over it because it was forever ago and it'd be really nice if we could be cordial.