thank you, i love you, 20(18) years late.

i'm really lucky. i am a really blessed girl with lots going for me. yes i have been to hell and back despite the fact that no one knows because i am the girl who's life is perfect all the time. newsflash, i like it that way. i don't want your sympathy because i know i've been through more and i'm a stronger person at 18 than many people encounter in their lives. i wonder sometimes why some people never have to experience the really low parts of life and then i realize the don't get to experience. big difference.
i've gone through lots, but it's made me who i am. and i like who i am so i can't regret anything. sure my life could be a lot easier, but it could be a lot worse too. i guess i'm just saying thank you; i'm thankful for everything i have and i really appreciate it.

bedtime.

and i'm extremely tired...
but if i don't do at least one more chapter, i'll regret it tomorrow.

porridge.

my brain hurts.

don't forget to remember me.

we were all heros, legends in our own minds.
chasing down dreams on friday nights.

british accents.

have i mentioned that my soci teacher is like a swiss fox /german coyote. oh my gosh he is so gorgeous. he's like 40 and like the hottest old man ever. he reps the scruff, dresses unreal(obviously, he's european) and he has the sexiest british accent ever. like actually. i have trouble actually concentrating on what he's saying because i just stare.
hence my worry for his midterm thursday worth fifty freaking percent of my mark.

deviance and social control.

only really awesome people stay home on saturday nights to do homework and study.

hearts. spades. diamonds. clubs.

you might be the type if i play my cards right.

it's fearless to fall in love with your best friend even though he's in love with someone else.

let's just hope it stays in the crush zone.

a boy named sue.

i really need to stop being best friends with boys. i mean i have a lot of just really good guys in my life that are strictly friends and i feel nothing towards. and then there's the boys like sunshine who i become best friends with and flirt and just genuinely enjoy their company and i start to fall for them.
i refuse to fall for another best friend, i just can't lose another. sorry sofa king =(

promiscuous girl.

i sometimes wish i had no self-respect and no conscience and could just do whatever the fuck i felt like whenever i want like some girls.
who am i kidding, that's never going to be me.

promiscuous boy.

you expect me to just let you hit it but will you still respect me if you get it?

a leather couch.

today i also told sofa king that i like him 9.76 days out of 10.
his response of course was what about the other .24 days?
well perhaps those days i'm just being grouchy i said. or perhaps it's 11.76 days out of 10 that i like you and i'm just bad at math. the +1/-1 thing gets me some days.
he's like oh how you make me laugh.

yes well what i wanted to say was that the other .24 days i'm just pissed off you have a girlfriend. and that you hit on me all the freaking time. and that you and her are on and off and on and off. AND i could've had you had i not been a freaking good person and said that's not fair to her. damn boys. this isn't even rebound ish anymore it's just annoying ish.

murietta's.

sofa king and i discussed our kiss today. bahah funniest conversation. i honestly love that kid. we both totally know how to make it extremely awkard only in a not awkward way at all. i mean be serious, i told him number 12 had some things to work on the other day. like overshare much?
hahaha we just ugh. mom asked if we were ever anything. because i smile lots when i talk to or about him and genuinely laugh a lot. and she saw a picture of us from grad. "you guys look really good together! km must be really jealous." haha i know mothers are biased to their children's looks but km is really just not 'gorgeous'. as tc stated it "clearly sofa king isn't with her for her looks brooke." bahaha boys are so mean. she's a pretty freaking cool girl though. it's just weird cause sofa king and i like chat about everything. and like flirt so much it's ridiculous. today we discussed how i'm awesome, and he's awesome and that's why we're good friends. because if one of us was less awesome, they'd bring the other one down. cocky much?

jawbreakers.

oh and did i mention we went to the candy store. i don't even really eat that kind of garbage, but it was just like something we used to always do. i felt like today i took a time machine back to my youth. and it was really cool. i love the mountains, we're so lucky to live here in a beautiful province like ab.

sugar, sugar.

i had a fantastic day with my momma. we had a chat at my condo and decided to go to canmore for lunch. it was such a nice drive and talk. oh and did i mention i love sofa king!! he told me this place to go for lunch, it's called murietta's, soo good. if you're ever in canmore, i strongly reccommend it!!!
i had a lovely day chatting at sofa king, i'll explain that after. i don't really know it was nice to chat with mom. i really missed her and it's nice we're getting good again. for a long time we had a pretty terrible relationship, which is weird because we used to have the strongest relationship. it's getting good again, i'm like not afraid to talk to her and it's kind of nice. i always used to talk to dragon's mom about things and it's nice to talk to my own momma.

every reason that i left, and every reason i go back.

seriously, listen to that song by jake owen, or really any song by jake owen. first of all, he is like sofa king to a tee. it's ridiculous really. and every reason i go back is like the story of my life. lately everyone has been telling me to come home so much and i'm like aw. like that's really cute guys but like what if i'd been doing this all year, not coming home. maybe it's because i was in jamaica but i don't know. like sofa king was like bud, please come home soon. and m.e. is coming to lethy with me next weekend for a night and the girls and d. are coming friday for alice in wonderland. i guess i'm just saying it's nice to know i'm actually missed.

my little girl.

i miss my family so much it's ridiculous. i've been gone for like a week and i'm like aww. yesterday my dad sent me this bbm with a hug! i was like almost in tears, like so cute. and then my sister like sent me a message being like i miss you, i love you come home soon. and then she called me like an hour later and was like, are you home yet? i know i always mock you about coming home every weekend, but i really miss you. and she just broke up with her boy and i wish i could do something=(. and then my momma called and she's coming here right now so we can go for lunch and have a nice chat. and then my dad called me this morning to tell me that auntie's hotel is being evacuated in hawaii because they are afraid of a tsunami. and he said he might come here tomorrow so we can go to grandma and grandpa(well my great grandparents) graves and take them and auntie frankie and uncle bill all flowers. and it makes me miss them so much.

christmas presents.

so being that i am so unbelievably broke right now, (university sucks i might add), i cannot complete the purchase of my coach bag. i am perhaps between 1/2 and 2/3 paid for from christmas presents depending on which one i choose. i'm currently looking at the website and wondering, would it be weird to get a bag named after myself?

peanut butter, banana, chocolate chip sandwiches.

okay seriously, my dad is hilarious. i really want a pb, b and cc sandwich. and so i was like ugh i don't wanna go to the grocery store but i have no bananas or chocolate chips. i got groceries the other day but i have no need for either of those things haha soo it got me thinking about what he said the other day.
i told him i used my credit card for groceries, a few things, etc. and he's like i don't care brooke. it's groceries?? we aren't homeless you know, you can eat whatever you'd like. and i like literally burst out laughing. like oh dad, you're so funny.
and i know that's insensitive and i feel bad for the working homeless because it's sucky that our economy is just so hard to live in and i'd hate if that happened to me but it was just so funny the way he said it.

starbucks starts good days.

i feel good today. i'm done classes for the week, i feel up to doing homework. i think i might apply for a job today. i'm looking at taking the proserve test right away and just living. i'm not going home this weekend. it's kind of weird. this is the first weekend i will have spent in calgary for the entire weekend since i moved here. it sounds stupid but i really love home. and when i'm not home, i'm in lethbridge. or jamaica i suppose.
i thought i'd be lonely, but it feels kind of liberating. i live alone and you'd think i get lonely, but mostly i get bored, not lonely. i've learned i'm not such bad company and i think i really needed to learn that. mom and i had a conversation about how good it's been for me to live in calgary, even though i'm home lots. it made me realize the things that are really important to me, like my family and my friends. i had to learn which friends i actually wanted in my life and realize which ones were good friends, not fun friends. i think it's important to have both because sometimes, just having fun is necessary and other times having someone to confide in or having someone put you in your place is necessary.
i'm glad i came here because i learned for sure that i'm okay on my own. i really can do this. i have time for myself to actually think, and to do my homework instead of feel like i need to save everyone. i don't know, i think it was important for me to realize how thin i was spreading myself and to realize i''ll be okay without some people in my life. i needed to realize i can live without sunshine, ironically part of why i picked calgary was for him.

she thinks she needs me.

you should listen to she thinks she needs me by andy griggs. breaks my heart every time. sunshine learned to play this song on his guitar less than 2 days after i told him it was my favorite song. interesting hey? listen to the song and you'll understand.

tou che.

"it has always seemed strange to me... the things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling, are the concomitants of failure in our system. and those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest are the traits of success. and while men admire the quality of the first the love the produce of the second."
-steinbeck.

i'm just consistently, inconsistent.

i am in such a weird mood right now. i have like no physical energy but my brain is racing. only it's racing about the silliest things because it is just so incredibly dead from the last few days.

you are a clever man john steinbeck.

"ideas are like rabbits. you get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
bahaha

man's best friend?

"i've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and i am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-steinbeck

that is a fantastic question.

"i have never smuggle anything in my life. why, then, do i feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier?"
john steinbeck

middle of nowhere.

you didn't have to do it, but you did it to say that you didn't have to do it but you would anyway.

berry blossom tea.

i guess i could get one and go for a drive and look at all the lights.

big cities.

i really want a starbucks right now, it's just so far away.

as long as one heart still holds one, hope is never really gone.

i hear them saying, you'll never change things. and no matter what you do it's still the same thing. but it's not the world that i am changing, i do this so, this world will know that it will not change me.

you always had to be right, but now you've lost.

it took awhile for her to figure out she could run,
but when she did, she was long gone.
long gone.

what made you think you could take a life and just push it, push it around.

she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
she never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't.

stupid boy.

she was precious like a flower, she grew wild, wild but innocent.
the perfect prayer in a desperate hour.
she was everything beautiful and different.

to be yourself is all that you can do.

it's not that i can't do this again, it's that i don't want to.
i don't want to be the girl that only gets his mind and heart.
it's selfish, but if i get any of him, i want all of him.

the mixed tape.

i know how frustrating it must be to hear me complain about sofa king but it really drives me up the wall. today we had the longest, funniest most entertaining conversation imaginable. like actually. like nothing was off limits.
it's hard to hear him be like come home please, and we need to hang out and i miss you. i told him lots about number 12 today. he didn't know it was number 12 but he knew it was someone. i told him i don't feel any butterflies, and i don't. and i know it's really wrong to keep him around like i am but i'm just not sure i can be alone right now. and that really scares me because i have always been the independant girl who doesn't need anyone. i guess it's cause i always had sunshine. he was always there for me no matter what. i have been thinking about him lots lately but that's an entirely different story.
i don't know i think i might need to not talk to sofa king for awhile. i hate that he has a girlfriend because i finally feel something again. and that really frightens me, nauseates me actually. it's just like hard to feel anything after that because for over three years that's all i felt. and it scares me that i smile when i get a bbm from sofa king, or my phone's ringing and it's him. i hate that i might actually care.
the worst part is i think he cares too. and i can't do this again.

spent his whole life being too young, to live the life that's in his dreams.

fifteen there's still time for you,
time to buy and time to lose.
fifteen there's never a wish better than this;
when you've only got 100 years to live.

i don't feel the same.

you're aching, you're breaking, and i can see the pain in your eyes.
cause everybody's changing and i don't know why.

and every reason that i go back.

yeah it's the same old, same old, nothing's changed,
where everybody knows your name.
it's a dirt road trip down memory lane;
an old flame i can't get past.
yeah, it's every reason that i left.

mountains.

there are times in life when you've gotta crawl, lose your grip, trip and fall. when you can't lean on no one else, that's when you find yourself.

pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.

and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.

brain=mush.

please wish me luck on not failing this essay i'm extremely unprepared for.

maya angelou.

"i've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

corona and chocolate milk.

wow i truly am gifted at the art of procrastination.

fearless or atlas shrugged?

i have two ideas for my picture. i'd like to do either the hands shaped into a heart. it's quite ironic that taylor swift has brought that about because i have been doing that since early middle school and it seems to be a popular thing now, of course. i think it would be neat to have a picture of my hands like that, perhaps alone or perhaps around my eyes. i think sometimes we don't see the world for what it is and perhaps if we looked through it with a little more love than it wouldn't be such a damn clusterfuck. look at me and my inspiring peace talk.
my other idea would be to somehow incorporate taking a picture with a globe situated somehow on my shoulders. i often feel like i need to save the world, and i truly do carry everyone else's weight around for them because i would do that to remove their pain. i think it would be neat to take a professional photo of something i struggle with everyday as a reminder of what i shouldn't do.
i don't know maybe i just am excited about the idea of participating in a photo shoot. i always thought it would be sort of neat to model. i love getting professional photos taken, in fact my sister told me to submit some of my grad photos to a modelling agency because i just look so... good? haha i forget the word but she loved them and said they looked very model-esque. i suppose the company did keep some of my grad pictures for their example album? i would love to just take part in some sort of pictures somehow, i don't know i think photography is amazing; i only wish i had the raw talent it requires.

lonnie graham.

have you ever heard of him? apparently he's this phenominal photographer/artist/teacher/etc. who is coming to the university to work on a project with my class. we're going to do something along the lines of taking a picture and writing something or perhaps interviewing someone from the community. he's really fond of elders and a question he asked is, "what do you think your elders would want to pass on to you?" i find him quite interesting and his photography is truly breathtaking, i encourage you to take a little look on google to get a sense of what i'm talking about.

perhaps i just like mr. shaw

life isn't about finding yourself;

life is about creating yourself.

we grow old because we stop playing.

the previous quote is perhaps the one i am most fond of. i have read a lot of intellectual books and searched a lot of quotes, yet somehow that remains my favorite for over 4 years.

we don't stop playing because we grow old.

"there are two tragedies in life; one is to lose your heart's desire. the other is to gain it."
-george bernard shaw.

george bernard shaw.

"if history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable man must be of learning from experience."

lost cause.

inspiration is an interesting thing. it can come from the most unexpected places, the most unexpected people. i feel like there is a serious lack of inspiration in my life. i used to write every night. not like blogging but like write things that i couldn't say out loud to anyone, even a blog. still you don't know half of how i truly feel because it's just too personal to share. i think only one person reads this on occasion and i like that however the idea of exposing my thoughts and crazy notions of how the world should really be terrify me. i used to drive downtown to just breathe. at home, i drove out to the country just to drive. driving really does relax me. it's like a mental break, only it's enveloped in my mind racing with thoughts.
he was inspiring. extremely inspiring. ironically, tragedy inspires my writing. who am i kidding, tragedy inspires most writing. i guess that's why i wrote so much then. it was a way to release some of the heart wrenching pain i felt every minute of every day.
it's weird, you know i still think about him every day. there isn't a day i get through without something reminding me of him. i guess that's what love is; but i'm not sad. most days i feel really good about it. it's just the moments of weakness i get every now and then that make me wonder if it was the right decision, if i really can live without him in my life.
will this feeling ever go away?

when i'm feeling sad.

i simply remember my favorite things and then i don't feel so bad.

when the bee stings.

mostly i'm afraid because i'm not sure what i'd do without her. i'm not sure who i'd talk to or joke around with. or be a bitch that really has other people's best interest in mind with. who would i tell when everyone else was on my nerves. when my family pushed me to the limit. who would put me in my place and tell me the things i really don't want to hear but need to.
how do you live without a best friend? and what do you do to make sure it's not your fault? that there's nothing you could do to stop it?

when the dog bites

i remember a few years back we went on a trip to vancouver. we stayed at my aunt's place and it's right on the water. i finally let her in. and knowing me and my trust issues, that was a huge step. every night we would go sit on the rocks between the water and the seawall and just talk. about anything and everything.
i remember her telling me she couldn't see herself growing old. she couldn't see herself getting married or having kids. she never knew what she wanted to do with her life because she just couldn't see a long one.
that scared me. a lot. mostly because i couldn't see it either. i always had this bad feeling that it just wouldn't last as long as i wanted it to. i wouldn't grow old with my best friend. when the song who you'd be today came out, by kenny chesney it had a really crazy impact on me. it scared me because it was all around the same time. somehow, that doesn't seem coincidental.

these are a few of my favorite things.

in case you didn't notice, my blog titles comprise a julie andrews song from the sound of music.

brown paper packages tied up with strings.

i'm really worried about a friend. cw x2 says they have seen cuts around her wrists. that scares me a little. alright a lot. i'm really worried about her but i can't say anything until i see them myself. i know she's been struggling lately but that just doesn't solve it. slitting your wrists doesn't solve the problem. i've been the girl with the friends who slash their wrists because they just want to release the pain, and for once they want someone to acknowledge them. trust me, there are other ways to get attention. less selfish ways. ways that don't make your best friend wonder every moment of every day if you're alright. if you're going to be alright.

warm woolen mittens.

"you would've been really proud of me.... you were my best friend. my best friend who i could tell everything to and then you wouldn't even look at me!"
"you said you loved me."
"you said you loved me too."

bright copper kettles.

breaking down and coming undone,
it's a roller coaster kind of rush.
i never knew i could feel that much
and that's the way i loved you.

whiskers on kittens.

i hate group projects, fyi. i am not trying to brag but for my entire life i've been a pretty good student. and it always ended up that strong students were matched with weak students in order to help them and bring them up.
i'm sorry, you want me to bring someone else up so they can bring my mark down or do zero work whatsoever and ride off of my grade; perhaps it's just me but that just doesn't quite seem fair.
now, i got to go with a partner who did something however, i'm stuck with writing the final things out, of course. he was in class the entire time but missed all the most important things so i have to scramble to do everything at the last minute.

raindrops on roses.

well i can breathe again.
debate over, poli midterm over.
if only i could go to bed instead of prepare for my history midterm tomorrow.

taco is a soup can now.

i cracked. fuck.

valium.

i need to take like a valium or something. i really need to relax. i'm so flustered and have so much to do before tomorrow. probably going to fail my poli midterm. and my stupid acadwrt project. ugh. why am i even in that class. i don't want to be in a debate. i don't even understand the freaking assignment and it's tomorrow. fml.
apparently i need to go get ready for class now. at least history doesn't make me want to consider deaaathh.

it must be a red truck thing.

oh and have i mentioned that sofa king confides in me and i confide in him. i hate this unconditional trust bullshit. he was so flustered with sunshine the other day and who did he call? me, of course. because no one else in the world understands sunshine like i do and no one else could hear it without judging. that is a f'ed friendship i might add; sofa king and sunshine.
sofa king picked me up the other night and we had a lovely beak session.. or more b getting mad at sk for being so dumb about km. especially when he could do so much better.
also sofa king decided to get drunk on his way to revelstoke and participate in telling me he loves me, i rock, i'm awesome, amazing and referring to me as "cute pants".
really, again with the YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

what a waste.

did i mention that sofa king and km broke up AGAIN.
but were back together like 3 days later.
newsflash: your relationship isn't a relationship... it's a like a bunch of one night stands all strung together.

jeopardy.

i'll take death by exhaustion and overwhelmed for 1500 please.

i said leave but all i really want is you.

and i broke down crying,
was she worth this mess?

i don't know what to do.

don't fall in love with her.
they're going to end up together even if they don't know it yet.

if only...

"this isn't going to be easy is it? us being friends..."
"no but it's better than not being in each other's lives at all."

it's too personal.

so let me get this straight, you don't want to make a record because it's too personal?? personal sells albums, personal wins grammys. people, well most people can relate to personal. they want to hear the songs with the words they're too afraid to say.

the way i loved you.

he can't see the smile i'm faking and my heart's not breaking 'cause i'm not feeling anything at all. and you were wild and crazy, just so

frusterating. intoxicating. complicated.
got away by some

m i s t a k e.

pet peeve.

i'm sure i've said it before, but i'll say it again.
please stop saying you are in love when you aren't. like actually drives me more crazy than anything else. love in a pure form, true love is rare; it doesn't happen to everyone every tiime you date someone. please, please stop with the love after like a month of dating. please?

things to do.

1. i really need to go grocery shopping, i mean i've been home for two days and there is nothing but water, juice and like condiments in my fridge.
and cheese; ironically the cheese hasn't gone bad yet.
being that i don't eat frozen food, this is a problem. even number twelve said wtf did you eat when he stopped on his way to lethbridge last night(story after).
2. i also need to get a few 'housekeeping' things. i cleaned for like 4 hours yesterday. ps. there is absolutely nothing better than a clean house with fresh, clean sheets.
3. i need to study for poli-sci
4. i need to write my essay outline for history.
5. i need to prepare for my debate on wednesday. ps. i hate group projects.
6. i need to catch up on the 300000000 hours of pvr'ed tv i missed in the last 3 weeks.
ideally it would go 1,6,2,3,4,5. unfortunately, it will not go in this order. in fact it will go 3,5,1 (perhaps tomorrow), 4 and maybe by thursday night i'll be able to begin 6.

catch a break.

it's funny, you know. i always wondered if anyone else ever noticed how often i don't catch a break. how drama is drawn to me when i'm the most unconfrontational person and i don't start shit. i've become pretty good at just letting things go.
today i finally caught a break. i have one small assignment, one huge assignment and two midterms this week. i found out that my one midterm shouldn't be too bad because my prof is just extremely fair and not out to confuse or trick you. and my other midterm is an essay that i still have until thursday to plan for AND i get to bring in a small planning sheet. [insert sigh of relief here] i think my stress level was like cut in half.

half rejuvenated.

i had a nap today that i never really had time for. two hours, and i planned on twenty minutes.

preview.

there ain't nothing like a memory, when it's coming on strong like a hurricane;
how can love like that just up and walk away?
it's killing me baby. it's got me pouring up another drink, bourbon's hitting me hard like a freight train; with my back against the wall or on my knees,
when the worst of your memory gets the best of me.

10:35

i think i've hit an all time high for procrastination; unfortunately that means even though i have years worth of blogging to do, i have to go do homework =(
maybe from my bed when my brain is fried, i can elaborate.