I am a lost boy.

There was a time, I was alone. No where to go and no place to call home. My only friend was the man in the moon, even sometimes he would go away too. Then one night as I closed my eyes, I saw the shadow flying by. He came to me with the sweetest smile, told me he wanted to take for awhile. He said, Peter Pan that's what they call me, I promise that you'll never be lonely. 

Owie.

Every part of my body aches. I'm getting to old for this. I don't honestly know how people survive this life, this industry. I mean C sits down in the day but she's 4-5 years older than me. My 10-12 hour days are killer. On your feet, constantly moving. There's no way to prepare your body for that. If you're busy, you're busy. And you don't even realize your pain until after. It's sheer exhaustion. 

It doesn't help that I have a sun burn and just laying here is noticeably uncomfortable. I wouldn't say it hurts but it's certainly not enjoyable. 

Trust.

Sometimes you have to hope for the best, prepare for the worst and just trust that everything will work out in the end. 

The greatest love of all.

Everybody's searching for a hero, people need someone to look up to. I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs. A lonely place to be, so I learned to depend on me. 

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadows. If I fail, if I succeed at least I'll live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity. 

Because the greatest love of all is happening to me. I found the greatest love of all inside of me. 

I remember it all too well.

Storms create rainbows.

It is important that we enlighten children on this. Helping them to understand this could fundamentally change the way we, as a society view adversity in the future.

It's okay to know your worth.

It's always about integrity.

Are we ever justified in what we do?

"Whenever we act, even with the best of intentions, when we interfere with the world, we always risk a new disaster that mightn't be of our making, but wouldn't occur without our action." 

Goals.

Last night I was looking at houses forever. This morning, it's the first thing I wanted when I woke up. I have been thinking a lot lately. In fact, I looked at going to Mexico in August instead of Vancouver. Realistically though, what I want most in my life right now is to buy a house. I want to have my own place and to get a puppy. Yes, I want to travel but I also really want something to call my own.
The location that I want is really expensive, of course. I've been looking in a certain area for a few months and I've found a few places I love. Last night, just for the sake of it, I began looking at other locations. I have expensive taste and there are certain things that I want. I'm not really willing to compromise that. I'd rather have to travel further and live in a place I love than live somewhere I don't love in a location I like.
Buying a house is expensive and rather daunting. I've found stuff that is in my price range though so that makes me happy. I'm now trying to sift through. I'm sure once you get a real estate agent it will become easier but for now it's good to look and see what I like and don't like so that I have a better idea when I begin to physically look at places and begin the process.
It's crazy because there are honestly some beautiful, beautiful houses here. I can't imagine spending 6 million dollars on a house,  but you look at it and it's stunning. It's like the castle from Beauty and the Beast. I just started looking at places like that because I wanted to see what sorts of things there was here. I honestly don't know if I would want to have a house like that even if I could afford to pay for the entire amount. It seems so silly because it would be more about impressing others. It's just a house. How can you possibly need so much space?
I did however find a place this morning that I'm in love with. Not huge, just beautiful. It's exactly what I want in a location that I want. It's incredibly expensive but it's amazing. It's about 220 000 out of my price range though haha so I'll be needing to win the lottery to afford it.

Dreaming.

I'm dreaming of the house I can buy. I keep looking at places and I'm so torn because I really, really want to buy. I want to buy a place where I can have a puppy. And for that reason, I don't want an apartment. It's tough because I want to be centrally located, not super far away in suburbia. My dream is to live in QP. I love it in there.

People like you always want back the love they gave away.

Heavy.

Some days, getting out of bed is an accomplishment. Today feels a little like that. My heart hurts. 

Last night I wrote a long letter to J. I felt better, like I'd released some of the stress  or anxiety. Some of my harboured feelings. This morning, I'm exhausted. I feel heavy, like a weight is holding me down.