Real heartbreak.

Danny Ocean: Does he make you laugh?

Tess Ocean: he doesn't make me cry.

Eating disorders.

I want to get healthy. We were watching something about an eating disorder tonight and TH made a joke. It wasn't rude really but I was just like eating disorders are scary. I mean I've had one. I will suffer body image issues my whole life probably. And what most people don't understand is that an eating disorder is different. Everyone has things they don't love about your body. When you have an eating disorder you hate yourself do eating a piece of whole wheat brea. Or an apple. Or having a coffee. You physically don't see your body the way other people see it.
It's scary really. That's why I want to get in shape. I am getting fat. I have been eating shitty and I wasn't allowed to go to the gym. That's a ba combination.

Reminisce.

I went for dinner tonight with LG and CW x2 and MD and I mean I've never been great friends with MD but the rest of us used to be really close. It's kind of weird you know. I mean I think we'll probably always be friends or at least be the type to send Christmas cards an birthday wishes every year but I just realized tonight that I'm not a part of that anymore. Their group. It's just not who I am. I don't care to spend the entire dinner discussing soccer. I really loved coaching soccer but I was a part of the soccer world because of my family not because I had a passion for it. I feel excluded from them but at the same time it's not something I want to be apart of.

I wish nothing but the best for you.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you.

Please explain it to me, I don't understand.

And I just have one more question for you:
why?

it's all relative.

You know the people who always have to be in a relationship? Or at least, the people who always ARE in a relationship? I wonder why that is. Is it insecurity? Or just the opposite.
Maybe some people are insecure in relationships and some are insecure alone. I am insecure in relationships. At least, I was insecure in my last relationship. I claim that I struggle to be alone sometimes but at the same time I recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely. I'm not lonely, but I am alone. I actually like being alone. I really think it is the only way to know yourself. And that doesn't mean you can't be alone while you are in a relationship, but it's a different kind of alone. An alone where you have to recognize your faults and your strengths and construct a way to become better.
I prefer to do this alone. Maybe at some point in my life I will want to grow with somebody. I thought I'd done that before but now I'm not so sure. Did we really grow together? Or did I grow and did he grow as a result of our relationship and its struggles? I think that we grew alone. Perhaps one of us more than the other, perhaps we both grew just in different ways. I cannot measure how much someone else grew because of me nor can I measure how much I grew in terms of someone else. I could say I grew 'a lot' but how much is a lot? For me it is a significant amount, for someone else, a lot could be a little to me. It's all relative.
I used to regret many of the things that I've done in my life, choices I've made and choices I didn't make. I blamed myself for problems and situations that were entirely out of my control. I have blamed myself for more experiences in my life that I'd ever admit to anyone. And even when I know that things are out of my control, that there is no way it is MY fault, I blame myself. I don't want that any more. I don't want to spend waste time rationalizing and analysing things that are out of my control.
I have learned to love my regrets. There is a part of me that will probably always regret some of my choices and actions and a part of me that will always analyze just a little too much. At the end of the day, I love those choices and actions. I am at such a different place in my life than I was, a different place than the people I know and am friends with because of those mistakes. I am such a different person because of the choices I have made.
I put emphasis on the word mistakes because it is such a feared word in our society. Nobody wants anybody else to make a mistake, or worse mistakes. Why? Because it slows things down. We have given up on quality and replaced it with quantity. It doesn't do us any good though. Mistakes are how we learn, how we become better. Mistakes are how we reach the unattainable perfection that is so dearly desired in our world.
I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. But I am taking the steps and making mistakes that will mould me into the type of person I desire to be. Isn't that what should matter? That I am trying to be someone better. I think the point is to take my insecurities and learn from them. To appreciate my mistakes and choices and actions as how I become myself. 

empty wish.

I ain't built like this. The way you're taking your time's got me jumping ship.
And I won't lie, let's call this what it is; an impatient girl waiting on an empty wish.

simple thoughts.

I have been in a very weird space lately. I crave being alone with my thoughts but I never want to be alone. I am currently sitting in the RDC library and looking out the window and all I can think of is that there are people around here but I am still free to be alone.
I am such an interesting person that I can live in my own world for extended periods of time without even realizing I have completely disconnected from the world. Other people might find me completely boring and dull but that is because I rarely share my thoughts with others. I forgot what it was like to release my inner craziness. The ideas playing on repeat changing words and phrases in my head. They have longed to be released, to be written yet I have neglected their wishes.
I love being alone and yet I hate being alone at the same time. How does that make sense? I love to be alone, in my own world but I fear what other people will think of me. I fear that they will not understand how fast the wheels are spinning inside my head and that it is not that I am not intrigued by others. Perhaps, it is exactly the opposite. Last night a friend and her mother pointed out to me how observant I am because I noticed an unmarried woman wearing a ring on her left ring finger. And it got me thinking about how observant I truly am. It's not that I disconnect myself from the world completely. I simply pull myself out of the situations I am in and look as though I am merely an observer. I am the proverbial 'fly on the wall' and that is why I rarely participate in conversations and seem to others to be withdrawn or ignoring them. Instead, I am having a conversation with myself about what is happening. I am noticing the vocabulary used, the ideas explained and the body language accompanying it. I am focused on the way that others are reacting to conversation and thinking to myself what I think.
I simply find the people around me superficial sometimes. In Costa Rica I met an Irish man that called me out completely. He told me that he saw through me and the giant wall that I put up. He told me that I am great at keeping people out and discussing the superficial but behind that it is visible that I'm completely enveloped in my own world, at least to him; to others like me. It was one of the few times I've ever met someone and they looked completely through me. He told me he knew I was different than I let people believe. I haven't been told that by someone for a long time. It got me thinking.. I mean, if some people can see right through me, why do I hide who I am from others. I know that it is a defence mechanism, it always has been but maybe I can teach myself to reduce the height of the wall. I can teach myself to let other people see who I am.

She's a good girl.

I'm a bad boy 'cause I don't even miss her. And I'm a bad boy for breaking her heart. And I'm free, free falling.

At night she lies awake and she wonders, why can't that be me?

And every night I dream that when I wake up it makes sense. I understand. And somehow, tomorrow will be easier.

Atlas Shrugged.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swaps of the not yet, the not quite, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish. In lonely frustration of the life you've deserved but have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It's real. It's possible. It's yours.
-Ayn Rand

It's always about you.

I really like my sister's boyfriend. He treats her well and he has a good job and he makes her happy. But their relationship scares me. It seems like her entire happiness is wrapped up in him. I don't think that's a good thing. He also buys her lots of things which worries me. I love that he wants to spoil her but at the same time I don't want it to be a plan for control.
I am just worried because they can barely spend five minutes apart when he's home. I get that he makes her happy but at the same time it worries me that he's her entire happiness.
I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm just jealous or something. I just want her to be happy. And I guess it kind of kicked me in the ass to realize that her and I are not always going to be that close. That at some point we're going to have to grow up and apart and live separate lives.

It's always her.

It must be so easy to be the perfect sister.

Your string of lights is still bright to me

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?

Garth

The thunder rolls, And the lightnin' strikes, Another love grows cold, On a sleepless night.

Stupid girl.

It's funny how after all that I wake up from dreams about you.