it's all relative.

You know the people who always have to be in a relationship? Or at least, the people who always ARE in a relationship? I wonder why that is. Is it insecurity? Or just the opposite.
Maybe some people are insecure in relationships and some are insecure alone. I am insecure in relationships. At least, I was insecure in my last relationship. I claim that I struggle to be alone sometimes but at the same time I recognize the difference between being alone and being lonely. I'm not lonely, but I am alone. I actually like being alone. I really think it is the only way to know yourself. And that doesn't mean you can't be alone while you are in a relationship, but it's a different kind of alone. An alone where you have to recognize your faults and your strengths and construct a way to become better.
I prefer to do this alone. Maybe at some point in my life I will want to grow with somebody. I thought I'd done that before but now I'm not so sure. Did we really grow together? Or did I grow and did he grow as a result of our relationship and its struggles? I think that we grew alone. Perhaps one of us more than the other, perhaps we both grew just in different ways. I cannot measure how much someone else grew because of me nor can I measure how much I grew in terms of someone else. I could say I grew 'a lot' but how much is a lot? For me it is a significant amount, for someone else, a lot could be a little to me. It's all relative.
I used to regret many of the things that I've done in my life, choices I've made and choices I didn't make. I blamed myself for problems and situations that were entirely out of my control. I have blamed myself for more experiences in my life that I'd ever admit to anyone. And even when I know that things are out of my control, that there is no way it is MY fault, I blame myself. I don't want that any more. I don't want to spend waste time rationalizing and analysing things that are out of my control.
I have learned to love my regrets. There is a part of me that will probably always regret some of my choices and actions and a part of me that will always analyze just a little too much. At the end of the day, I love those choices and actions. I am at such a different place in my life than I was, a different place than the people I know and am friends with because of those mistakes. I am such a different person because of the choices I have made.
I put emphasis on the word mistakes because it is such a feared word in our society. Nobody wants anybody else to make a mistake, or worse mistakes. Why? Because it slows things down. We have given up on quality and replaced it with quantity. It doesn't do us any good though. Mistakes are how we learn, how we become better. Mistakes are how we reach the unattainable perfection that is so dearly desired in our world.
I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. But I am taking the steps and making mistakes that will mould me into the type of person I desire to be. Isn't that what should matter? That I am trying to be someone better. I think the point is to take my insecurities and learn from them. To appreciate my mistakes and choices and actions as how I become myself.