simple thoughts.

I have been in a very weird space lately. I crave being alone with my thoughts but I never want to be alone. I am currently sitting in the RDC library and looking out the window and all I can think of is that there are people around here but I am still free to be alone.
I am such an interesting person that I can live in my own world for extended periods of time without even realizing I have completely disconnected from the world. Other people might find me completely boring and dull but that is because I rarely share my thoughts with others. I forgot what it was like to release my inner craziness. The ideas playing on repeat changing words and phrases in my head. They have longed to be released, to be written yet I have neglected their wishes.
I love being alone and yet I hate being alone at the same time. How does that make sense? I love to be alone, in my own world but I fear what other people will think of me. I fear that they will not understand how fast the wheels are spinning inside my head and that it is not that I am not intrigued by others. Perhaps, it is exactly the opposite. Last night a friend and her mother pointed out to me how observant I am because I noticed an unmarried woman wearing a ring on her left ring finger. And it got me thinking about how observant I truly am. It's not that I disconnect myself from the world completely. I simply pull myself out of the situations I am in and look as though I am merely an observer. I am the proverbial 'fly on the wall' and that is why I rarely participate in conversations and seem to others to be withdrawn or ignoring them. Instead, I am having a conversation with myself about what is happening. I am noticing the vocabulary used, the ideas explained and the body language accompanying it. I am focused on the way that others are reacting to conversation and thinking to myself what I think.
I simply find the people around me superficial sometimes. In Costa Rica I met an Irish man that called me out completely. He told me that he saw through me and the giant wall that I put up. He told me that I am great at keeping people out and discussing the superficial but behind that it is visible that I'm completely enveloped in my own world, at least to him; to others like me. It was one of the few times I've ever met someone and they looked completely through me. He told me he knew I was different than I let people believe. I haven't been told that by someone for a long time. It got me thinking.. I mean, if some people can see right through me, why do I hide who I am from others. I know that it is a defence mechanism, it always has been but maybe I can teach myself to reduce the height of the wall. I can teach myself to let other people see who I am.