why do hockey players have to be so damn attractive.

b, he's a hockey player.
he's 18 years old.
he's in university.
he lives in a different city.
he's sleeping with other girls.
give your head a shake.

all i really want is you.

so baby if you know e v e r y t h i n g,

tell me why you couldn't see

when i left, i wanted you to

chase after me.

funniest conversation ever.

do you think i should get the morning after pill?
bahahahahahaha i think you should do what you want. BUT a condom would have been a much simpler choice. we can hope you're not extremely fertile.
i did use a condom, it broke bitch.
haha well it's up to you, i'd loving having two little ones running around in the next year but i'm not sure you're the best candidate for the second gapher
but i don't wanna go up to someone; excuse me can i have the morning after pill please
i would pay bbiiggg money to see that
yeah man but how shitty would it be if my ego got prego

ahahahahahahahahahahaha
gosh we are funny.

i love family channel.

i just love it. for the most part, lame as it is, its entertaining in a not sexually centered way. there's no profanity and it's just so family oriented. it's calming.

6 years later.

dear phlg,
you epitomize class.
you won the bet; if even only by a few short weeks.
tou che.

you never know how fleeting that happiness might be.

a very short time ago i said i wish i could cry but i just couldn't. and i assumed that that meant i had no feelings at all, that i'd become numb. i was wrong. i'm not numb i just don't know how to feel about this one thing i can't remember the last time i felt. this feeling is genuine happiness. and i think when you've been unhappy for so long, happiness is such an unsettling feeling. it is such an unknown feeling that i don't really know how to handle it. instead i'm looking for ways that i'm not happy, i'm just waiting for something to sabotage that happiness. it's kind of sad when you have been so unhappy for so long, so miserable for so long that you can't recognize happiness; that you can't just enjoy that happiness. well i'm happy, i like this feeling and i'm going to just let go and
be happy.

never judge a book by it's cover.

and yes, i learned my lesson in not underestimating people and expecting things that are unexpected.

when life gives you lemons

the craaazziestt thing happened to me last night.
so sunshine's parents were there, obviously, and his mom ask my dad where i was. and when my dad said that i was like what. really. weird. now you might think well your best friend's parents haven't seen you in a long time, obviously they'd ask how you were. but in the context of this situation, re: the not speaking for 6 weeks thing... baffles my mind. i find this mind boggling because he tells his mother everything. like i mean everything. and when the person you've spent the last three years being best friends with just up and tells you to not talk to them anymore, you'd think they would tell their mother. apparently, he's changed.
anyways, i saw her and said hi but she was in a conversation and i didn't want to interrupt so i just kept walking and decided i'd see her later. i asked big g to tell mommy b that her dress was absolutely gorgeously breathtaking. (it was like a sort of beige ish top half with a little bit of ruffle but in a simply elegant way, very fitted with black from slightly above the waste down, like a model's dress actually... and it was probably like a marc jacobs or something dress to top it off). but he said no you better find her, she'd rather hear it from you; which really meant, i'm terribly sorry but i'm probably going to forget that so i'm sure she'd appreciate you telling her yourself. so i semi-looked for her for awhile, just kind of hoping i'd see her but that never happened so me being me, i sent her a text message. and she's all cute like where are you, i'm by the stage! so eventually i see her near the very end of the evening but being her well-known, lovely self, she was surrounding by a see of people. finally there was only one or two other people around so i go so i can actually have a conversation with her. she's like OH MY GOSH you look GORGEOUS and gives me a big mommy b kind of hug(i really miss those). and she's just like honestly one of the most genuine people i've ever met, and i can say that because she was probably half cut like everyone else at that dinner and she's just a geuinely thoughtful person. like my grad gift for example and the way she tried to hide it. so last night we got to have a nice chat and she was so interested in my well being even if it didn't include her son and to me, that's incredible. so then jw is there and he is like one of the funniest people around. just like rich, arrogant and to me extremely hilarious. (i don't appreciate people who are not nice to other people, but i can only truly judge someone on the way they treat me) so he was like uhh brooke wtf where is my hug?? and so i gave him a big hug and got to talk with them and he's like uh why aren't we facebook friends or anything like this is silly, i'm hurt. and then out of nowhere just like lets go drink more. ahahaha and i just think they are so fantastic. they truly are a wonderful family and i was just so not expecting the evening to go like that.

i love f of t

so i went to the preview dinner, so unbelievably fun!! i got to see antelope hunter's mommy and daddy, whom i fell in love with all over because they are just so welcoming maybe. i'm not sure the word, but when i'm with them i feel like i am a part of the family, they make sure i know i am welcome and they just are such cute and nice and i love that family. then there is big daddy bahahaha my second father who is absolutely hilarious and i can't wait until saturday when i get to do that part all over. oh and ps his wife, when not with the little ones is absolutely hilarious, i know understand why they are married.

i wish i could cry.

you know how invigorating a really really good cry is?
it's refreshing and washes away everything. i just want to let it all go. but i can't. nothing comes out. it's like i have no feelings whatsoever. nothing.

writer's conference.

dear mr. m,
i feel like i'm off track again. i was doing really well for awhile. i was completely over him; in fact i'm pretty sure i just feel like he should be in my life cause he was such a big part of my past. and i feel shaken. i know that it is right around the time that you would send me home and tell me being at school was a waste of my time. then i'd be called into that stupid computer room and probably end up pouring my heart out and fighting with everything inside me to keep back the tears. i know this about the time i finally broke down. after three months you finally got me to cry. it was the most embarrassing and refreshing thing that happened to me in a long time. and i was writing so much and feeling so good about it. and i feel like writing, not this writing but my actual published/ in the process of publication writing is like gone. 'the well' as you so commonly referred to it as has run dry. i don't know how to fix this problem, but it seems severe. please help.
sincerely,
brooke

6:30am comes early

i'm going to regret this tomorrow.

do you blame me for being jealous.

boy+ex-girlfriend(who has repeatedly hit on him since and has told me she thinks he is just soooooo sexy and tried to be friends with me and has told me about stories about them having sex)+ girl who's in love with him(who he hooked up with to spite me)+ girl who hates me more than any other person in the world(and tried everything in her power to keep him away from me during and after we were together)= a pretty good flipping reason to be jealous.

oh did i mention they are in dorm rooms with excessive amounts of alcohol.
fuck.

don't be jealous, you get to stay an extra day.

well actually i don't get to stay an extra day. i have to be back in calgary on saturday because i am such a nice person and follow through on promises i made in grade 7. if it were not the promise of the tripod to be together for her 18th birthday even after years, well then i would definitely NOT be leaving lethbridge a day early. after next weekend it's another at least 2 weeks.

jealousy is an awful feeling.

he's just so cute. he was like please don't be jealous, you get to stay an extra day. she's not into me. come on. she isn't.
we argued for a good hour, which i'm sure he LOVED.
and i was like what do you mean. obviously she loves you. how do you not see the way she looks at you. she wants to be with you, like now. and hooking up with her on may long to annoy me was not only mean but actually makes me mad like 6 months later. and she probably just loves it. ugh i hate girls like that.

fyi. federal bureau of investigation

bau= behavioural analysis unit.
(of the fbi)

that is what i want to do in life, work in the bau.

criminal minds is like the greatest show in all of life.

the green monster.

i have never ever been the type to get jealous. ever. when he was mine i never ever got jealous. that was his role. he was so insanely overly jealous of every boy i hung out with and it drove me nuts because i am friends with mainly boys. (i mean i did love knowing he didn't want me with anyone else, but there's a line) and now, i'm, hard as it is to say, jealous. i don't want any of them going to see him this weekend. i don't trust them at all. i know they hate me and i mean one is an ex-girlfriend and the other is like in love with him and the other, well she just hates me and did everything she could to ruin our relationship (which i clearly didn't need any help doing).
i want to trust him, i do. and i should.
but in saying that, he doesn't really owe me anything.

if i were rich it'd be lingerie and shoes.

victoria secret=love

i love lingerie.

the winter of our discontent.

what a frightening thing is the human;
a mass of gages and dials and registers.
and we can read only a few.
and those perhaps not accurately.

john steinbeck

“It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure on the world"

ee cummings.

"To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."

julius caesar

there is a tide in the affairs of men; which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. but omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries.on such a full sea are we now afloat. and we must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us.

honesty is all we have.

"Sometimes I wonder if anything is absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey? Sometimes we are forced to bend the truth, transform it, because we are faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes, things simply catch up to us. Truth is still absolute. Believe that.Even when that truth is hard and cold and more painful than you ever imagined. And even when that truth is more cruel than any lie."

one moment can change everything.

Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives
Or if the moments in our lives make us
If you could go back and change just one thing about your life would you
And if you did, would that change make your life better
Or would that change ultimately break your heart
Or break the heart of another
Would you choose an entirely different path
Or would you change just one thing
Just one moment
One moment that you've always wanted back

every choice matters

Have you ever wondered what marks our time here.
If one life can really make an impact on the world. Or if the choices we make matter.
Sometimes you have to go forward in order to go back. In some cases, only a few minutes.
Have you ever wondered what marks our time here.
If one life can really make an impact on the world. Or if the choices we make matter.
I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives. For better. Or for worse.

they say no regrets

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some in small. Like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger. Like when we let down a friend.
Some of us escape the pain of regret. By picking the right choice.
Some of us have little time for regret. Cause we are looking forward.
Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past. And sometimes we burry our regret by promising to change our ways.
But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did. But for the things we didnt do. Things we didnt say. That could have saved someone we care about.
Especially when we can see the dark storm thats headed their way.

you showed me strength i didn't know i had.

Life comes at us from out of the darkness.
And at times we can struggle to find the courage to face it.
When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness.
Who will you choose to face it with.
Will it be someone you trust.
Will they be wise. And will there love for you help them to guide you to the light.
Or will they lose their way in the darkness.
Will they make noble choices.
Or will that person be someone untested. Someone new.
Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness. And when it does is there someone in your life you can count on. Someone who will watch over you when you stumble and fall.
And in that moment. Give you the strength to face your fears alone.

a cinderella story.

i can't wait for you because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. useless and disappointing.

ar least, now you know.

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself, and seen a stranger in the backround. It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you.
How many moments of other people's lives have we been in.
Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true.
Or were we there when their dreams died.
Did we keep trying to get in as if we were somehow destind to be there.
Or did the shot take us by surprise.
Just think. You could be a big part of someone else's life. And not even know it.

may angels lead you in, hear you me my friends.

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads.Afraid. Confused. Without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days.
Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.
But once in awhile, people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in.
Or to give someone a second chance.
Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.
Because it's only when you are tested, that you truly discover who you are.
And it's only when you are tested, that you discoveer who you can be.
The person you want to be, does exist. Somewhere on the other side of hardwork and faith and belief. And beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead.

i could really use some oth right now.

It's just another place in the world. Maybe it's alot like your world. Maybe its nothing like it. But if you look closer you might see someone like you.
Someone trying to find their way.
Someone trying to find their place.
Someone trying to find their self.
Sometimes it's easy to feel like you are the only one in the world who's struggling. Frusterated. Unsatisfied. Or barely getting by.
But that feeling is a lie. And if you just hold on. Just find the courage to face it all for another day. Someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes.
Someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it wont always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you.

i loveeee this movie.

"never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

you're cute. deal with it.

um why is telling a boy that they are cute such a bad thing? i use cute to describe pretty well anything instead of more socially acceptable terms such at cool, rad, knarley, sick, ballin', etc. i mean sure you'd love for me to be like you're sooo sexy all the time but being as we both know that, just accept that i think you're cute too and know that it's a term of endearment and that i think of you as more than just a gorgeous piece of meat.
that'd be appreciated, thank you.

so maybe i like to stir the pot a bit too.

i'm just going to throw out a "you're cute" because i know how much you absolutely love it.

a lot has changed since the day i fell in love with him.

roger w. ireless.

maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain; forgetting everything between our rise and fall.

i swear you looked right through me.

spent his whole life being too young, to live the life that's in his dreams.

if i could be like that,
i'd give anything.
just to live one day, in those shoes.
if i could be like that,
what would i do?
what would i do?

you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.
blackbird, fly.
taking these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.
blackbird, fly.
blackbird, fly.

back up, baby back up. please back up, baby back up.

did you forget everything?

where is this going?

was i out of line?
did i something way too honest made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
i looked into your eyes, thought i knew you for a minute; now i'm not so sure.
here's to everything, coming down to n o t h i n g.
here's to s i l e n c e, it cuts me to the core.

you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all.

it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong.
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone.

meredith grey

everyday we get to give the gift of life, it can be painful, it can be terrifying, but in the end it's worth it. every time. we all have the opportunity to give. maybe the gifts are not as dramatic as what happens in the operating room, maybe the gift is to try and make a simple apology, maybe it's to understand another person's point of view, maybe it's to hold a secret for a friend. the joy supposedly is in the giving, so when the joy is gone, when the giving starts to feel more like a burden, that's when you stop. but if you're like most people i know, you give till it hurts. and then you give some more.

is the past ever really just the past?

doctors live in a world of constant progress and forward motion. stand still for a second, and you'll be left behind. but as hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass. and as history shows us again and again, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.
sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. and sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. and sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.

we are so funny.

c+l, "well he's not that bad".
l, "i mean if you look past his cocaine addict skinny body".
b, "and if you made him not look greasy".
c, "oh and that attitude, that attitude needs an adjustment".

b, "so basically change everything about him and he'll be attractive"?

c+l, "baahahahaha exactly".

is it okay to miss it?

sometimes,
you don't really realize how much
you miss something;
until it comes back into your life for
one silent moment.

dear mr. president,

how do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

so many times we just give it away.

so many times we just give it away to someone who,
someone who you met in a bar, back of a car.
and for a moment you felt important but not in your heart.
so many times we just give it away;
to someone who couldn't even remember your name.

we'd give it away to someone who'd cherish your name;
cherish your name.

is it really true?

could you save yourself

for s o m e o n e who could,

love you for you?

i sometimes wish i would actually take risks.

i’d rather stand on the edge of a cliff and hang my toes over a bit. and then jump when they dare me; if it scares me and i get hurt. i’d rather build my wings on the way down, do my best not to fall to the ground and than laugh at my mistakes ‘cause there only lessons i’ll learn.
i’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul; and love like a fire that’s out of control. and laugh and dance and fall and chance and kiss. i’d rather live my whole life with a sense of abandon, squeeze every drop out, no matter what happens and not wonder what i've missed. i’d rather risk.
well i guess i could just play it safe and forget about love, hope and faith; with my eye on the shore line, keeping my boat tied and staying home. ohhh but i’ll never discover new land by keeping my feet on the sand. no i’d rather set sail and get carried away by the storm.
i’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul; and love like a fire that’s out of control. and laugh and dance and fall and chance and kiss. i’d rather live my whole life with a sense of abandon, squeeze every drop out, no matter what happens and not wonder what i've missed. i’d rather risk. i would rather risk.
i’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul and love like a fire that’s out of control. i’d live my whole life with a sense of abandon, squeeze every drop out no matter what happens. and not wonder what i've missed, oh i just can’t resist, the chance to risk.
ohhh live, and love and laugh and dance and fall and chance and kiss;
i’d rather risk.
i’d rather risk.
i’d rather risk.
i’d rather risk.
i’d rather risk.
i’d rather risk.

i wish i knew where my head was at. or my heart.

i am so unbelievably torn between what i want, who i am, and what i know is right.

i'm so torn.

i wonder to myself if that's why it works. i wonder if that's way we are the way that we are. why we still always go back to each other. our personalities clash so much, we are so incredibly different. and yet, no matter what it is, we always work it out. we find a way to move on and let it go. and we have had some brutal fights but we end up being okay again.
i just wish i knew what i wanted and i knew what he wanted.

we've talked before about if it's the secret, the fact that no one knows that makes it so desirable. the fact that for like 6 months, everyone thought we hated each other while we hung out most days... like the fact that it's so off limits. so taboo.
all i know is that it's just there.

i really don't like fighting.

yesterday he told me he wanted to fight.
he said he missed it. and i know he loves fighting i just don't understand why. he loves doing and saying the little things that he knows drive me nuts. and he loves to instigate a fight. he loves fighting and it is just another one of the things that drives me crazy. i'm so passive and he just loves to yell. i'd rather be like whatever i don't care and let it go even if it really bothers me and he's like no not whatever. and just keeps provoking me until i get so frustrated that i lose it on him. so today asked him why he does it.
he told me that there is nobody else that either of us can get in a full on fight, screaming at the other one and still be more than friends afterwards.

dear s, this is specifically for you!

despite the fact my opinion doesn't really matter, i figured i'd tell you anyways.
i think you're really strong and really brave. i think that your breakdowns are honest and that it's inspiring that you actually acknowledge and face them. i think it's incredible that you and c are still together. i mean i probably couldn't do it and at first i thought you were crazy for even attempting it, but i understand why you are and i think it's really cool.
i mean i know that the boy i really like (love's a strong word for me) is less than two hours away and i go for only a few weeks without seeing him and i hate it. we aren't even dating (this is an entirely different conversation) but i miss him a ridiculous amount when i'm not with him. i miss that i know he can just make everything okay and has for the last year. i feel a tiny piece of what you face every day and i just wanted you to know that you are a very strong girl and you should be proud of it.
most importantly, believe it.

i hate girls.

i'd like to say let's just skip this weekend and move to next weekend. i mean lethbridge is calling my name. but i'm actually really excited for saturday night. i love mistletoe magic; it's one night a year the three of us actually spend out together and it's one night we can really tell daddy how much we appreciate him. plus i usually get a new dress and new shoes so who would complain? and apparently, little one told me that we are taking a limo this year so that's pretty freaking cool if you ask me.
i am really worried about #12 this weekend though. i know that they are his friends and that he should have whomever he'd like visit him but i can't help but be incredibly nervous about the entire situation. last time she tried so hard to get with him it was stupid, but he was loyal to me and knew i would be so unimpressed and i WOULD find out. this time, i don't know if i'd find out. i don't know if i'd want to. i might rather not know. but at the same time i would be choked if he hooked up with her this weekend. i want to say hey babe, noooo sharing your bed this weekend. but i can't because he really doesn't owe me anything. i just hate that all those girls tried to get with him and haaateeee me. they all thought he hated me, well most people still think that.. but it's so weird. like him and i have a very love hate relationship. we have had our fights, but we always end up back talking and trying to ifx things shortly after. i don't know if i should say to him like babe i know we aren't officially anything, but if this is going anywhere pleaaassseeeee do not touch nh this weekend. i can't stand that girl. i know they all hate me and fine, but he still picked me over all of you so i'm going to be immature and throw out a "so there!". wow i should grow up. i should really not hate her because they hooked up on may long... i think it just bothers me because he was talking about me to everyone he saw all weekend and that just makes it worse. i mean if you really missed me that much, if you were afraid to see me then why did you have to do that. that's spite is all it is. and that's not cool.
ohh wow i really need to relax and not stress this tonight or it's going to retract all the relaxing and destressing i did today.

cac=12

how does he know how to relax me so well?
he's two hours away and yet he still manages to calm me down when i'm over stressing. i mean no not to the same degree as when i lay in his arms, but he can still settle me down. he knows exactly what to say and exactly what i need to do. he just reminds me to do the things i forget about sometimes. he reminds me to work out because it makes me feel better. he reminds me to relax and just know that it's going to be okay.
like yesterday he told me to just relax. he told me to sleep and not worry and just go for a steam when i got home today; so i did. i worked out for like two hours and saw sj and had a nice chat ad then went for a steam. it was so relaxing it's crazy. i feel like i might actually have a good sleep tonight even though i won't be in his arms. that was the best sleep i've had in awhile, that's why i mention it. i haven't been sleeping, i've been stressing, waking up in the middle of the night, having bad dreams, cold sweats. it just isn't good. and i'm ready for it to be next weekend.

taylor you just know me better than anyone.

i don't know what i want; so don't ask me
'cause i'm still trying to figure it out.

it's only 6 letters.

ain't it a shame
that every time you hear my name
brought up in a casual conversation
you can't think straight.

let go and believe.

we were fooling ourselves if either of us thought we could just stop caring about the other one, stop caring about our friendship. i have no idea what i want, i truly don't know if i even want to be friends again or if we can ever be friends again. maybe it's not in the stars and i know i'll be alright without you and you will without me, but it'd be nice to not throw away what we built. it'd be nice to not throw away the kind of friendship people try to sabotage out of pure jealousy.
i think if we want to, we could be friends again, if it's mutual. i don't want it to be like before, it can't be because i won't let it, but maybe it can be better. maybe it can be truly honest, now that you know.
i'll admit, i'm terrified to be friends again, terrified i'm going to fall back into the way it was but i really don't want that and i think that if any friendship is worth saving, it should be one like this. maybe it will fall back into like before, and i assure you that if it does, then i'm going to end it forever because i refuse to live like that again. i care about you immensely, hell you know i love you, but i refuse to live our friendship like maybe one day we'll be together. because i don't want that anymore, i don't want to be with you at all. i just want to have my best friend, the stable rock that led me through three of the most unstable years in life. i want to be able to support you like i always did. because that's who we were, we were the friends that cared so much that they'd do anything anytime if it was really needed.
i know you care and i know you, probably like me, are wondering if it's worth it to try it all again. i mean it's the same thing up and down following by a higher up and a lower down, over and over and over. that's a hard thing decison to make, but we have to make it together.
we could try and be friends, make and effort; or completely rid each other from our lives.
or we could just wait and see what life has in store for us.

who cares??! apparently we do.

i needed to know you care. it's a nice feeling to know you still care; after everything.
the other night proved to me that you care. and last night through it all, you never said i don't care. i needed to know that.
if you hate me, i respect that, i get it; but it means you still care.
it was hard seeing you like that, i've never seen that side of you and as far as you and i go, i'd argue we know each other better than we know ourselves. yet, you have never looked at me like that. it actually bothered me to see you like that, which sucks, because it means i still care too.

i never meant to hurt you.

last night we had a small part of a conversation that's needed to happen for over a month. i think it's hard for us. i mean we both were really major parts of each others life and to just completely stop talking to someone cold turkey is hard, let alone someone that you used to spend your entire day speaking to.
i'm sorry i went about it the way i did, without a goodbye, just a letter saying i love you. but i had to do it for me, i wouldn't have said half the things i needed to say had i tried to have the conversation with you. i'm stronger now, and whatever you need me to say, whatever you need to ask me or hear from me, i can tell you.
i'm sorry that it hurt you and that i never gave you a chance to make it better this time. i couldn't. i gave you so many chances, whether you knew that's what they were or not, i did. and i tried everything to get over you. everything. and this was the last thing. i needed to move on so that i could still be your best friend. and that may be a selfish thing to do, but i don't ever do things for myself, for the most part, i am pretty selfless, especially when it came to you. and i just had to put myself first for once.
i'm really glad you told me some of the things you did in the last few days. i'm glad i had to see you cold, distant, painful as it was to see. i've never seen you like that, with so much hurt in your eyes. and i'm sorry for that. but i'm not sorry i did it.
you broke my heart, but i wouldn't change it if i could. and if i broke yours i'm sorry, but i wouldn't change that either.

the memories sneak up on me, wherever i go.

so on friday, on a whim, dragon and i decided to go out for t's wife's birthday; despite the fact that sunshine would be there. i was incredibly nervous but made sure to look extremely good(mature, i know). so we showed up and i gave an awkward wave but that's about it.. then we avoided each other for some time and i was thoroughly enjoying myself. dragon started freaking out and told me that i needed to grow up, be the bigger person and say hello; so i did. and he completely ignored me. ohh well i don't care was pretty well my reaction. then gg decided that wasn't enough. he deicded the two of us are meant to be friends and we went on some long escapade about why we should be friends; despite the fact that none of the people understand what really went down except for myself and sunshine.
so we have a very awkward, cold, extremely forced conversation before i fled the situation. in doing so, it happened that we texted later that evening and sparked bad bad things and made me contemplate a real discussion with him; i mean in all honesty, i do kind of owe him that.

sophia bush you are beautiful.

this epitomizes my life.

i've said it before and i'll say it again.

highways heal broken hearts.

i am going to drive back to calgary and immerse myself in the music that breaks my heart and mends it together again. the songs that remind me of him, the songs that remind me of him, the songs that remind me of everyone. i will fall into my own world where all i do is think and feel and remember. and when i arrive in calgary, i'm sure i'll have much to say after this weekend.