The Keg.

So I guess I'm going for a drink with M tonight so we'll see how that goes. DVZ thinks I should wear a dress but I think that's too much. I'm probably going to wear like jeans and a blazer or my leather jacket. I don't know I feel like a dress is a bit much for drinks. I would like to wear heels but I don't think he's that much taller than me so we'll skip it.
I am not sure how I feel about it because I like talking to him and he makes me laugh but he's 22 and likes partying every single weekend. That's not where I'm at and I know it. I also have more than significant feelings for J so that's why I am just going into this with like an open mind.
It might be fun and I have never really gone on a date before with someone that wasn't number twelve. Like I guess with sunshine and sofaking and TC but I don't know if I'd really classify those as dates. I mean at the time I had no idea those were dates.
I am nervous for that part and like what if he tries to kiss me. Like there are so many awkward possibilities. And I am awkward as fuck.

The man who melts my heart.

J melted my heart today.
I went and spoke to him in the office and apologized. He's like B don't apologize! I was like but I feel bad I just kind of snapped and I had a minor meltdown and I'm sorry for projecting it to you, that wasn't fair. He's like well who else has cancer? And I was like one of my dad's best friends and mom is just not doing well at all. And he's like I've been there and I was like I know. He's like well you know I'm here.
Then he's like so who are we texting?! I'll give you my phone and I'll take yours and we can send out messages! It will be so fun! I will text everyone in your phone that you're pregnant! I'm like oh nice, my grandma will take that well!
We continued chatting but I mostly love how he was so supportive then knew that it was work and he needed to cheer me up in a flash so my whole night wasn't ruined.

Random!

So I guess I'm going to meet M tomorrow for a drink?

To every person who's ever thought I'm just a nosy, controlling bitch:

"Virgo might try to analyze and control a friend's life but only with the idea that they will improve their life, not purely for the sake of controlling. Be patient with your Virgo friend and understand that their recommendations are only to make your life better."

I'm captivated by you baby like a fireworks show.

I have been reading about Cancers. It's very interesting to me. The more I think about J's birthday, the more I read that makes sense. I mean when I asked if he wanted me to come over to see Duke he was like, "of course!" And same later on that evening when I was like yeah we're just going to come have a glass of wine and he's like YES! I will even come get you if you can't drive.
The more I read about the Cancer male, the more it says you have to make the first move. That's a really big step for me because I am NOT the type to make a move. EVER. But the more I think about it and the more I think about him, it makes sense. It also discusses slowing earning their trust and building a friendship first. All of this epitomizes J.
I think about the way he is sometimes. Last night he was flirting so hard. He hates when people touch him so sometimes I poke his hips just for fun when he isn't looking. Yesterday, we honestly ran into each other or tripped over one another like 4 times and I was like get out of here. And he's like nope I'm the boss and started to gently push me out of the way while continuing to tell me he can go wherever he wants because he's the boss and I will move for him.
I just find him mesmerizing. He captivates me. I cannot fully verbalize the way he makes me feel.

Vacation.

I've been thinking about going to Mexico or someone tropical for a week by myself.

The secret.

They say you're supposed to tell the world exactly what you want. If you put out to the world what you want, you'll get it. Generally, this isn't something I do often. I don't often request things and I never demand things from the world. But I deserve this, so I'm going to say it. I want J. I want him and I want a life with him. That's what I want most in life right now. Not a man, not a relationship. J. I specifically want a relationship with J.

Of course I noticed your shoes.

Tonight he was standing beside me and his lifted his pant leg a little and pointed his shoe at me, like look! I was like J I already noticed you were wearing brown shoes and you already know how much I love them. He's like but did you notice I polished them?! I laughed. He's like CG wouldn't take them to get polished so T bought me a polishing kit so at 1:30am last night that's what I did!

Today was a hit.

He was so charming and flirty today. I absolutely loved it. I feel like I rarely ask the universe for anything but I want this. It terrifies me to admit it, but I really want this. I really want him. And I feel like I deserve this.

It's in the stars.

Last night was kind of weird. J and ER and I were talking and he said something about himself and I was like yeah, but you're a Cancer right? And he's like yes, is that typical of them? I'm like yes. He's like tell me more!
Hahaha it was probably kind of creepy because I actually knew SO much about them because YESTERDAY morning I had read about him because I was curious. As I was explaining to him lots of the things about Cancers' that are common, he was like I'm learning so much about myself from you!
ER's like do me next! I was like when's your birthday, she's like September: I'm a Virgo. I'm like oh fuck I can tell you everything about yourself I'm a Virgo too.