little things make the biggest difference.

I was laying on the couch having a bit of a nap and I started thinking about number twelve. I miss him and I was praying about him. And then I started thinking about last summer and how we didn't get to see each other much despite living in the same city because of the hours we worked. And I remember he used to come see me before we both went to work at night and I was usually napping from about 2:30-4 so he'd come in my house and he'd come downstairs and watch me sleep. Then he'd kiss my forehead to wake me up and I'd just sit beside him on the floor and lay in his arms.
I know we had and still have our share of issues but he made me really happy and I guess I need to remember how happy the little things he did everyday made me instead of wishing he'd do extravagant gestures to show me how he felt. The little things really do mean the most.

I miss my damn roommate.

bahahahah so tonight I texted my roommate and I was like
"K! 24 hour gym = BEST invention ever"

his response was this:
"more weights, more dates".
bahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaa

no one's gonna love you like I will.

I went to the gym at like 11 tonight because I was sad and grumpy and I missed number twelve. I figured that going and getting some exercise was a better idea than sitting at home being sad about a boy who has forgotten me.

what I got is a six string religion.

I do believe a song can heal me,
it's enough for me.

I want just a little bit more from life.

Give me that off the shoulder dress,
the one that the boys will not forget.

charles bukowski

"The problem with the world is that all the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence."

vino rouge et blanc.

Also I've decided I want to buy a vineyard. I have always wanted to invest in my sister's restaurant because I assure you she will have one one day. But I want a vineyard and it's going to be incredible. I am going to drink wine al the time and be surrounded by delicious fruits so I can infuse them in my wine. I'm going to have a huge beautiful patio somewhere in the vineyard that is covered in vines and has beautiful tables that will be served by the restaurant and I'm going to have people over all the time for wine tastings.

the next food network star.

I am a really cool person. Every night I come home and watch the food network until I pass out. My fav show of all is the next food network star. It's on tuesdays and repeats sundays at 11 and I think 8 too but I'm always at work so I don't know the exact time. I strongly recommend checking it out.

it's the simple things.

I've been in sooo much better mood the last few days. I kind of just decided to stop having a pity party for myself. If you see my kate voegele lyrics a few posts down, you'll see I'm just kind of over begging number twelve to love me as much as I love him. I wish he loved me like I love him but he doesn't so why the fuck have I been so worried about convincing him to love me. You know what I have my flaws but I would also give my life for the kid. If he can't see that no one else will ever love him as unconditionally as I do, then that's his loss. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love me as much as I love them. Because there is someone out there that does love me, that will love me. Everything about me, all the things I hate. I thought that number twelve was that boy. Maybe he is, maybe he will be and maybe he isn't.
I am 19 damn years old. What the hell am I doing sitting at home crying about a silly boy? I love him and he means the world to me, don't get me wrong but I just am not this person. I am not the girl who sits at home and cries because a boy doesn't like her. I have so much more to live for in this life. I'm going to be so much more than that.

I have been going to the gym again and I think that's a huge thing for me. I've realized that in two days I feel better than I have since I worked out in Arizona. Like I just have become one of those people that needs to work out because I feel good. I feel healthy and happy and prettier. I honestly think I get sort of depressed when I don't work out because I just don't feel good. I am tired and unhappy with myself.

I hope you remember today is never too late to be brand new.

 we're going to a new frontier,
wide open without fear.

nerd alert.

bahahahah so I just text my sister this:
"wheeeuuuuu.
wheeeuuuu!
wheeeeuuuu!"
bahahaha " I got into the class I've been trying to get into for a year. hahaha I am such a fag."
hahahahahah what kind of nerd checks the class list like every few days to see if their class opens up

I'm not gonna beg you to fall if your heart's not in it.

maybe one day you'll arrive, like you never left
and find that while you were learning to fly
well you taught me the best damn lesson
I will never waste a second on talking you into loving me
my breath is far too precious

you'll see I am worth it.

I don't wanna stand here and beg you to fall.
One day you'll see I was worth it all.
and down on my knees ain't where I need to be,
I'm gone.