numb.

it's weird when you have been numb for so long
and you f i n a l l y feel something.

regrets.

i should've kissed him.

conscience.

i know how wrong it is; but i just might be falling for him.

she was looking too good not to go somewhere.

as long as i'm with you,

it really don't matter.

i didn't know that. well now you do.

it was like a calm set over me. a real calm. we just went for a drive. he came and got me, gave me a big hug and we just drove. drove and talked and sang and laughed. and drifted and 4 x 4. i love his truck, it relaxes me. and i just really enjoy talking to him and hanging out. he kept looking at me and just smiling. we can just be ourselves. like i'm in lulu's and a hoodie, hair in a ponytail and i'm like oh by the way i dressed up for you. and he just laughed like haha i hope not. i could care less. i really like when boys are into my lack of effort wash-and-go look. i just felt so much better. we never even talked about us until we got home. like i know he was waiting for me to lean in for a kiss and i was going to but i just don't know. i'm really scared. i like him and i think it could be so sweet because we just get along and it's so easy. i really am torn. i guess we just both need to get our heads on straight and see what happens.

walk on.

let's trust this love will lead us right where we b e l o n g .

advice.

"you are the two people that are meant to be together but you won't end up together."

is the truth absolute?

if i am honest with myself, i kind of miss sunshine. i had a vicarious conversation with him today and it was really hard. i really miss him. like i miss our stupid conversations full of nothingness. and i miss his honesty and perspective. i really miss his truck, not that i'll ever see it again. i don't know i miss our friendship. it scares me but i'd like to just be friends.

nostalgia.

i think it's fearless to fall in love with your best friend;
even though he's in love with someone else.

i just want to be fearless.

to me, fearless is not the absence of fears. it's not being completely unafraid. to me, fearless is having fears. fearless is having doubts, lots of them. to me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. fearless is walking into your freshmen year of highschool at 15. fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want, over and over again. even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. it's fearless to have faith that someday things will change. fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even though you can't breathe without them. i think it's fearless to fall in love with your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. and when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, i think it's fearless to stop believing them. it's fearless to say 'you're not sorry' and walk away. i think loving someone despite what people say is fearless. i think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. letting go is fearless. then moving on and being alright, that's fearless too. but no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. you have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. that's why i write these songs. because i think
love is fearless

sweet and low.

the itunes game is being extremely unhelpful right now and i am very unimpressed because it always makes my decisions due to my extremely beyond indecisive nature.

take me for a ride on your big green tractor.

i really wish i knew what i wanted.
and even more, i wish what he wanted was real.

please give me advice.

do i play it safe and have no one get hurt?
or do i risk getting hurt and unintentionally but knowingly hurt others by going after what i want?

just one night couldn't be so wrong, you make me want to lose control.

i knew that you were trouble but i couldn't resist.

i feel useless.

"you are not useless."

darling, you're not this girl.

i'm just not this girl.
this has never happened to me.
i have never been the girl that boys like.
i've dated one boy in my life and it was a complete joke waste of time.
in the past few weeks i have been hit on by at least 4 boys.
i just don't know how to hande this.
i'm awful at making decisions and i've never had to about boys.
i've never been the girl the boys like.
i'm the guy's girl.
i'm the best friend.
what the hell happened.

sofa king.

they are just so different. like not even comparable.
he like shut off my car so i would go with him and we could watch a movie.
then he went and started it so when i went outside it wouldn't be cold.

kiss me.

bud, i think this is a bad idea.
well ya maybe...(kisses me again)
(wheels in my head turning like mad) um bud i can't do this. it's a really terrible idea.
it's not totally terrible.
i need to think about it.

it's complicated.

life has to be complicated. my life at least. honestly last night was like sooo good. i said goodbye to number twelve and he basically said that he wants to be with me. like was sooo worried about what i think and he's afraid i'll think he's cheating.. good thing that's not the problem. fuck. i have had a crush on sofa king since like grade 10. and i just don't even know now. everything was good when i thought sofa king was kidding and we were joking because we're like best friends. and now i'm like um what. what do i do. how do i handle this. i was so not expecting this.

complex.

just one night couldn'tt be so wrong?

he makes them good girls go bad.

problem 1: we decided watching a movie just the two of us was a good idea.
problem 2: we decided paranorma activity was a good movie to watch.
problem 3: it is effin scary.
problem 4: he kissed me after.
problem 5: he just got out of a serious relationship.
problem 6: i'm sort of seeing someone.
problem 7: his best friend is sunshine.
problem 8: i actually like his ex-girlfriend.
problem 9: number twelve would be crushed.
problem 10: i have no idea how i feel about it.

remember when i said i was going to watch the game???!

welll we most definitely watched the game and it waas like the funniest thing like in life. like actually. sofa king is hilarious beyond measure; not that that's new... but his brother is the exact same person as him and both of them together was like non stop laughing despite canada's loss.
however it was over at like nine. and i don't have school tomorrow and he obviously wasn't going to go home alone at nine so we decided to watch paranormal activity. good idea right? wrong.

i knew that was a bad idea.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

new years resolutions= be a badass.

sooo it would normally not be bad to go watch the game with your best friend... because well hockey is great and he's a great laugh. only he's been hitting on me like maaad lately. like saying yeah that's why i like you after discussing my rye drinking capabilities. and like i wanna be on you. and let's hook up. and i want to f you. like whoa bud chill.
i have a boy... but i've had a crush on sofa king since i met him. nothing serious... just a school girl crush. and i know it's wrong to go hang out but i can't help myself. so we'll se how it goes.
wish me luck being doing something i know is wrong just because i want to.

i am a baaaad person.

going to watch the game with sofa king =)

gone.

well i guess i'll see you when i see you.

speechless.

you've managed to disarm me;
my soul is shining through.