so much for fearless.

i was afraid of you. i was afraid of the way you made me feel. i got scared because i knew i was in love with you for real. i was worried you didn`t love me back. i destroyed everything beause i was afraid.

you told me you loved me.

we say we love flowers, yet we pick them.
we say we love trees, yet we cut them down.
and people still wonder why some are
afraid when told they are loved.

unrequited love.

there is no greater pain than loving
someone who doesn't love you back.

i need you now.

i've been trying to tell myself that i'm okay without him and i'll get over it but i'm not okay. it's killing me. and i don't know what to do. i had a panic attack because i'm so incredibly stressed out and he's not here to make it better. i just want him to realize i'm not okay. i'm trying to be strong for him so that we can be friends because i know he wants that and i need him in my life but i don't feel strong. i don't feel anything. the pain has become a numbness. it's just there and part of my life now. and i guess it's just going to take some getting used to.

i'm still in love with you.

maybe i'm just a jealous bitch but i really hate that number twelve is so damn sexy. having all these stupid girls add him on facebook that i know want to sleep with him is so sucky. when one of your good friends is telling you they never realized how sexy he was, it really doesn't help the whole situation. fuck all you slutty bitches. i'm not over him. and all these girls trying to get with him it's not okay. i don't know what to do.

i thought you'd be here by now.

baby, what about the ending?

i just want it back the way it was before.

if you're out there, if you're somewhere,
if you're moving on, i've been waiting,
worried since you've been gone.

i'd take it all back now.

i know people change and these things happen
but i remember how it was back then.
locked up in your arms and our friends are laughing
'cause nothing like this ever happened to them.
now i'm pacing down the hall, chasing down your street.
flashback to the night when you said to me,
"nothings gonna change, not for me and you."
not before i knew how much i had to lose.

i know that we can work it out somehow.

i was playing back a thousand memories baby,
thinking 'bout everything we've been through.
maybe i've been going back too much lately
when time stood still and i had you.

stress and worry.

i had a panic attack today i think. it was probably the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. i can't even explain it. it was absolutely nuts. apparently i need to calm the f down and quit stressing so much.

the things you learn.

did you know that twilight has its own set of dildos that you are supposed to freeze so that you are imitating how it would feel to have sex with a cold-blooded vampire.

you're not sure that you love me but you're not sure enough to let me go.

don't concern yourself with this mess you've left for me.
i can clean it up, you'll see, just as long as you're gone.

leave the pieces when you go.

and it's alright, yeah i'll be fine.
don't worry about this heart of mine
just take your love and hit the road.
there's nothing you can do or say,
you're gonna break my heart anyway.

not time, where would she find the time to trust a man again?

she could've layed awake for hours
giving lonely nights the power.
but she didn't have time.

she could've cried, but she didn't have time.

he said goodbye from the edge of the porch like she'd been some casual friend. he said you're better off without me, i'm not what you need like her momma had said him. he started the car pulled out of the drive, didn't waste any time looking back. she watched him go thinking even a stranger would show more compassion than that.

alabama.

they wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places,
to grace us with their mercy in our time of need.

kind words from a stranger to lend a helping hand.

"ain't it kinda funny at the dark end of the road,
someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope. "

they said speak now.

"It's been a really fucked six months- year and I kinda lost myself. I'm sorry I lost us too. I miss us being friends."

numbness.

numb [nuhm] 
adjective -er, -est, verb
–adjective
1. deprived of physical sensation or the ability to move: fingers numb with cold.
2. manifesting or resembling numbness: a numb sensation.
3. incapable of action or of feeling emotion; enervated; prostrate: numb with grief.
4. lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent: She was numb to their pleas for mercy.

guide us with the light of love.

Momma couldn't see him, oh but he was standing there. I knew in my heart
he was the answer to my prayer.

Grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.

"I believe there are angels among us, sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hours to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with the light of love. "

- Alabama.

brilliant.

whatever you do in life will be insignificant,
but it's very important that you do it.
like when someone comes into your life and half of you
says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says:
make her yours forever.

Jesus take the wheel.

I think I'm finally starting to let number twelve go. Not in the sense that I've stopped loving him or stopped caring about him because I have always will will always do both. I really think I have loved that boy since I met him. I find him mesmorizing. I really love that boy and I would do absolutely anything for him without thinking twice. I've recently come to the conclusion that I just have to trust God. And I know how ridiculous that idea is to some people and some days I think it's ridiculous myself. But after everything I've gone through, I'm still here and I'm stronger than ever. I can only attribute that to a higher power. There are days in my life that I know I've only gotten through because there is a something out there, because somebody up there was looking out for me. Somebody believed in me, somebody protected me. And I've come to the conclusion that if it's meant to be, it will be. And right now I feel like this is the worst anyone has ever felt. That no one has ever hurt like this. But I'd be selfish to actually believe that. The truth is, there's always someone out there who has it worse than you. And on those days that you feel on top of the world, somebody else just had their heart shattered, or had their best friend die, or was beaten by someone they loved and trusted. It has been a hell of a year but I have to trust that I'm going to be okay. I always have been before. And yeah I really want to be with him, but maybe it's just not right for now. Maybe there are other things I need to learn in my life first. I'm a strong person. And for every obstacle I've faced, I've become a better person. I've learned something. I've listened to other stories and I've realized that the phrase "don't judge a book by its cover" is perhaps the most honest, brilliant idea out there. We don't know what someone else has been through, I know that most of the people who know me, who call me their best friend, who I call my best friend have no idea the type of things I've faced in my nineteen years. And some days I'm selfish and I wish that they knew or that they'd feel sorry for me. I don't need it. I don't really want their sympathy, I wouldn't wish that kind of hurt on anybody. But that's just it, who's to say that we really know anything about anybody else? There are things I've never told my family, things I'd like to say to the people who've hurt me, things I'd like to say to people I've hurt. We have have regrets, fears, dreams. These are the things we have to fight for. Learn from those regrets and teach ourselves how to be better. Fight the things and the people and the ideas that we're afraid of. Dream about anything and everything and truly believe in those dreams, especially when life has given us every reason not to believe. There are good people in this world. You're probably a good person and if you aren't only you can change it. You are the only person who can change your situation in this world. You are the only person that you can count on. And if you screw up, it's okay. Everybody screws up, even the people we love. You can be anything in this world. You can do anything. And sometimes it's the simplest things that make the biggest difference. Sometimes, all you need to hear is someone say, "I understand". Happiness is a condition, not a destination. And if we all thought about it that way, we'd probably find it more often. So let it go, forgive, move on, fight for what you want, say what you need to say, dream, believe and always, always love.

and actually understand.

and sometimes, all you need is someone to say,
"i understand".

always and forever right.

"if there ever comes a day when we can't be together,
 keep me in your heart-- i'll stay there forever."

- winnie the pooh.

brace myself for the goodbye, 'cause it's all i've ever known

wonderin' why we bother with love
if it never lasts.

i worry i won't see your face light up again.

even the best fall down sometimes,
even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
out of the doubt that fills your mind
you'll finally find,
you and i collide.

i still miss you.

why can i not just accept it's over? i just don't believe it. after everything it just seems like there's nothing we can't overcome. i know how ridiculous and naive i sound but i just don't honestly believe it's over. in my heart of hearts i cannot imagine my life without him.

if we loved again, i swear i'd love you right.

every time i read something i've written about him, i realize how much i really love him. how much i've always loved him. i realize how happy he has made me. i realize that he is the best thing that's ever been mine. i realize that if i died tomorrow, i'd be okay because i truly love him. and he loved me. i realize that all my fear of getting hurt destroyed my ability to love him the way he deserved. that my fear turned into my own actions instead of his. and i swear, if we loved again, i'd love him right.