just another wide-eyed girl.

damn that spotlight tell me things like,
i can't take my eyes off of you.

and you run a university??!

dear registrar,
you are an idiot. it is ever so (IN)convenient that you 'forgot' to schedule the most commonly taken first year university course's exam and had to add it afterwards. and you make it on a saturday night. wow, that gives me confidence about my university education.
sincerely,
b.

i'd like to make myself believe.

everything is never as it seems.

fearless.

i want to remember this.

the tswift song reminded me of banff.

there's something 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained; there's a glow off the pavement you walk me to the car and you know i want to ask you to dance right there in the middle of the parking lot, yeah.
we're driving down the road, i wonder if you know i'm trying so hard not to get caught up now. but you're just so cool, run your hands through your hair; absent-mindedly making me want you.
and i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.
so baby drive slow, till we run out of road in this one horse town; i wanna stay right here. in this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me. in this moment now capture it; remember it.
cause i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.
well you stood there with me in the doorway, my hands shake i'm not usually this way; but you pull me in and i'm a little more brave. it's the first kiss, it's flawless, it's really something; it's fearless.
cause i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.
cause i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first; fearless. and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress; fearless.

only 4 more days.

b- "yes, but it's not fair. it defeats the purpose of pretending i'm okay!"

speaking of...

b- "a steam would be sooo nice!"
12- "yeah it'd probably help calm you down."
b- "do i sound upset?"
12- "no, we both know you are the queen of covering up what's inside."
b- "that i am, that i am. and yet, somehow you usually seem to know something's wrong when i don't tell you."
12- "awe that's almost a good thing though; someone's got to be there for you like you are for everyone else."

it's always 12.

even the day sunshine opened the letter was october 12th.
my life seriously perpetuates the number twelve.

more than a memory.

january 1, 2010

it's just a memory.

mele kalikimaka.

we haven't been that way in a long time. so that's a lovely memory to reminisce on; but in one week, i will say merry christmas sunshine; mele kalikimaka.
and then i can finally move completely and know that it's never going to be more than just a memory.

wailea.

i remember the first year he went. i was devastated. i changed my orthodentist appointment and he came to the school strictly to see me before he left. i swear his mother was going to kill him because he was going to be late. we've done that many times, rearranged our schedules and gone out of our way so we could see one another before a trip. i remember sitting in ireland's biology classroom waiting for class to start and my phone went off. i was like ahh okay be stealth. and i looked at my phone and i remember jc being like what, what is it? and my face had lit up. i couldn't believe it. he was laying on the beach in maui having a beer thinking of me. i remember being so upset because i had to go from speaking to him from 6am when he went to building opportunities until 1 or 2 am when we decided we should probably get some sleep. when i got that text message, we spoke non-stop through my classes and throughout all of holidays; only taking breaks when he was going in the water. i remember him saying merry christmas, and going golfing with maroon 5, meeting alice cooper. telling me about v and t. the entire time, he told me what he was doing and asked what i was doing. i think it was those three months we were closest; or at least, we talked the most. we had merry christmas twice and mele kalikimaka twice because of the time difference; same with new years. i think it was that moment; the moment i read that text message, that i fell in love with him.

maui.

i'm pretty sure sunshine's in maui; or at least he will be in the next day or two. that' s surprisingly hard for me. i haven't spoken to him in just under a month. so basically now we're at about two and a half months; seeing each other one day and speaking four ish times. i'm doing really well i'm happy without him but it's hard. it's hard to be in the christmas spirit when i'm used to having difficulty saying goodbye for a few weeks. there was no goodbye. it was just done; i just ended it. and now i have no idea whether i miss him, the friendship, or if i'm just reminiscing on things that are gone.
are we just holding on to things that we don't have any more?

oh gavin degraw.

young love is sacrifice;
young love is tough.
young love is i n n o c e n t;
young love is us.

add a lime.

have you seen the commercials for the movie 'it's complicated'?
haha well if you haven't, go watch it. it's quite funny.
for me however, it's even more funny because number twelve told me to go look at it the other day because it seemed quite relatable to the two of us. i laughed for so long because it is so funny. in case you don't have time here's the quick lowdown; husband and wife get divorced because he cheats on her. husband marries hot young broad. husband and ex-wife have affair. wife has new boy on the side. bahahaha
sadly, we really are that complicated.

rye and ginger.

i am just going to say again how stupid a saturday night exam is and how unhappy about it i am. i would LOVE to be at farside with the boys this evening but at least they'll have a drink for me.

sheer exhaustion.

i am sick and i am tired.
my body is hurting and my brain feels like it's about to spontaneously combust.
i was so tired that driving home from my exam this morning i almost fell asleep on crowchild.

all those other girls, well they're beautiful but would they write a song for you.

the way you walk, the way you talk, way you say my name;
you're beautiful, wonderful;
don't you ever change.

can't help it if i wanna kiss you in the rain.

i've seen it all, so i thought
but i've never seen nobody shine the way you do.

chelsea too =(

everyone is done exams. sooo not fair.

alcoholism?

mushroom soup, girl cheese and corona.

halo.

i swore i'd never fall again;
but this don't even feel like falling.

the epitome of procrastination.

i'm not really trying to procrastinate i just really want to come home. i am just done with school and need a real break not a break to do homework like reading week was. i want to come home and i want number twelve to come home and i just am ready to be in rd. yes i just said that, what is my life coming to. i have history at 8 tomorrow morning and sociology at 7 saturday night. only two more days =( everyone else is like done exams(except for number 12 cause that's my luck) and i hate that they are all going out and partying it up and i am stuck in calg studying. alone.

stay gold ponyboy, stay gold.

hey jude,
don't make it bad.
take a sad song and make it better.
remember to let her into your heart;
then you can start to make it better.

who you'd be today.

i remember you once told me that you couldn't see yourself growing old. you just didn't think you'd live that long. we were sitting on the rocks of the ocean in west vancouver. we were at my aunt's for spring break just to get out of rd. i was speechless. we sat on those rocks for hours and just talked about everything. and you told me you just couldn't see yourself growing up.
do you have any idea what your death would do to the people in your life. if it was drinking and driving, you'd probably kill your brother. and your parents would be devastated; not to mention all of your friends. if you died, it'd probably damn near kill me. i honestly wouldn't know what to do. i don't know how you cope with something like that. i don't know if i could cope with something like that. please don't make me have to.

ken adams.

really drinking and driving? you of all people? you lost your brother's best friend to that and you say his best friend go through hell for killing him. and you're doing it now. that doesn't make any sense. and rationalizing that you waited a half an hour does not make it okay. rationalizing that you don't do it all the time doesn't make it okay either. drinking and driving does no good. you aren't invincible. you aren't immortal. what is it going to take for you to learn? i'll admit that two times i have driven when i probably shouldn't. and the one time i rationalized it because it was a few blocks and i wasn't drunk by any means but i'd had more than two drinks and that's my personal limit. and the other time was just one stupid thing to do. but you, you've had more than one or two chances. this is more than three or four times. and if you die, we lose. it's not a joke or a game. if you're gone, we have to deal with it. when you die, you die. that's it. the end. and you leave the people that care about you behind to try and pick up the pieces. please just stop this.

greasers and socs.

so getting in a bar fight and getting your face all cut up isn't a cool thing to do. i realize that you were defending a friend that was beaking and all but that's just not a cool thing to do... like at all. fighting solves nothing. i don't care how much of a douche the person was being but a bar fight? really? tht exudes class. oh and now you're gonna think you are all sweet and be like yeah man i got in a bar fight, i kicked her ass! sweet so someone tried to stab you and has it out for you and you're going to brag about it now? that is NOT sweet.

not sweet.

i remember when i was cool and drank and drive.

welll aren't we cute.

hah so i decided to send number twelve an email because well i just thought it'd be a nice change from a blackberry message for once.. a nice surprise. it's actually such a like lame cheesy think to do but we both knew it. haha so i open his reply this morning and he was like wow we are soo sweet hahaha. and then he asked me how the people upstairs are and if it ever puts me in 'onea them moods' bahaha oh babe. yes i does now pleaseeee come home.

i just can't wait to be king.

i'm honestly like a combination between a 6 year old and a seventy-five year old.

orgasmic.

fyi. sun-rype black currant peach juice is like the most delectable juice in the history of the world and as far as juice goes, it's actually quite healthy.

confounded much.

i am really weird i've decided. i mean last night i was babbling about coach and looking at fashion and tonight i'm watching the game babbling about basketball. it's quite funny that i'm just one of the guys and yet can be the girliest girl ever too. you could assume i have a personality disorder. i mean i enjoy going for beer with the boys but i never turn down wine with the girls either. i will finish a 26 of jagermeister with brando in a half hour or get drunk off caesars with the soccer ladies. i'll go for a manicure, pedicure and facial with my sisters then we'll go get sweaty playing soccer. i'll get my ass kicked at cod and kick ass at wii. i give girls boy advice and boys girl advice. i love to travel and see the world but i love home too.
and i wonder why i have no idea what i want to spend the rest of my life doing.

toronto raptors.

as much as i love j.j. reddick; please stop getting your asses kicked by orlando.
they are called the magic, come on.

venti four pumps sugar-free vanilla, non-fat, berry blossom white tea misto.

starbucks is calling my name;
unfortuntely studying must accompany it.

dear santa.

going to march madness would be a stellar present also.

all i want for christmas.

if i can only have one christmas present for the rest of my life; i'd like a trip to north carolina to watch duke play unc in a basketball game. i would do anything to see them play live and be thankful for all eternity. i can only imagine seeing ty lawson and tyler hansborough playing. and coach k; oh my gosh to see coach k live would be mind boggling. my life would be complete after that trip.

mr. shakespeare.

love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.
it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.
love alters not with time's brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom.

grey, black and blue.

does this darkness have a name? this cruelty, this hatred. how did it find us? did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? what happened to us? that we now send our children into the world like we send young men into war, hoping for their safe return. but knowing that some will be lost along the way. when did we lose our way? consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness.
does this darkness have a name?
is it your name?

lucas scott.

Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

invictus.

out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole;
i thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul.
in fell the clutch of circumstance, i have not winced nor cried aloud;
under the bludgeonings of chance, my head is bloody but unbowed.
beyond this place of wrath and tears looms but the horror at the shade;
and yet the menace of the year finds, shall find, me unafraid.
it matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll;
i am the master of my fate.
i am the captain of my soul.

6 471 818 671

"At this moment, there are six billion, four hundred, seventy one million, eight hundred, eighteen thousand, six hundred, seventy-one people in the world. Give or take a few. Some are running scared, some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day; others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. six billion people in the world, six billion souls -- and sometimes, all you need is one."

atlas shrugged.

do not let your fire go out; spark by irreplacable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not yet, the not quite and the not at all. do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.
the world you desire can be won; it exists.
it is real.
is possible.
it is yours.

every moment counts.

You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices. Or you can fight back. Things aren’t always going to be fair in the real world. That’s just the way it is. But for the most part, you get what you give. Rest of your life is being shaped right now. With the dreams you chase, the choices you make and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time. And the rest of your life starts right now.

it's all about the magic.

Name a wish, place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. But if you believe that it right around the corner. And you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the serenity of it. You just may get the thing your are wishing for. The world is full of magic you just have to believe it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good.

Now believe in it with all you heart.

not fair.

so i believe i've gotten you sick on like at least three or four occasions. but you got me sick last time and i'm still sick two weeks later.

brooke, do you want me to spell it out for you?

Y.O.U. A.R.E. T.O.O. N.I.C.E. ! ! ! !

scars remind us the past is real.

i tear my heart open,
i sell myself short;
my weakness is that i care too much.

criminal minds.

scars remind us where we've been;
they don't have to dictate where we're going.

agent hotchner.

"what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us".
-ralph waldo emerson.

this is me.

i'm sorry it didn't work out for us.
i'm sorry i'm not who you want me to but.
but i'm not going to apologize for who i am.

i miss you very much, please come home; now.

one week. seven days. one hundred fifty-six hours. nine thousand three hundred sixty minutes. five hundred and sixty one thousand six hundred minutes.
approximately.

time takes it all.

i really, really just want this week to be over. i would like it to be about 10 o'clock on saturday night and then skip right to next wednesday. please. pleaaasseeee. i don't want to study or write my last two finals.. speaking of which, friday morning 8am final= not cool and 7pm saturday night= lamest test time ever. i am just ready to come home for break now. i have procrastinated because i have zero drive or ambition to study and i just want to go home and have a brew with sofa king. he's done, why can't i be?

you're sexy, deal with it.

please stop arguing with me for two hours about your size. i know you want to get bigger but i like you just the way you are. most boys are jealous and only dream of looking like you and most girls only dream of being with someone that looks like you. please suck it up now and recognize that you are sexy and deal with it.
thanks babe. =)

oh babe.

how this boy thinks he needs to get bigger, i'll never understand.

southern voice.

i wish boys were as chivalrous as they used to be.

a sock hop beneath my bed.

leave my door open a crack
please take me away from here
cause i feel like such an insomniac
please take me away from here
why do i tire of counting sheep
please take me away from here
when i'm too tired to fall asleep.

a fox trot above my head.

everything is never as it seems.

fireflies.

i'd like to make myself believe.

lacoste.

lacoste is like mary poppins inspired right now and i really really like it.

i'll be your french maid.

you make me wanna la la.

little blue box.

please feel free to take a look.
http://www.tiffany.ca/Engagement/item.aspx?GroupSku=GRP10001&selectedSku=23872722#f+0/0/2001/0/4001/4001

tiffany.

it's only 48 000 dollars.

simple elegance.

i have always wanted the same engagement ring. always. in fact, i told a friend who's dad owns a jewelry store. it is so extremely simple but that's what i love about it.

love is expensive.

total= $4440

coach=love.

coach.

some of my love.

i am sooo in love.

i was writing my christmas list and i asked number twelve what i want for christmas and he told me i want a coach bag; which is so incredibly true. so i go look on the coach website and i basically fell in love. like i am so unbelievably in love it's ridiculous.

note to self.

NEVER go on the coach website ever again.

you know everything about me; you say that you can't live without me.

and sometimes we don't say a thing;
just listen to the crickets sing.
everything i need is right here by my side
and i know everything about you;
i don't wanna live without you.

i'm only me when i'm with you.

you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half i'm only trying to let you know that what i feel is true.

elsewhere.

don't you see i've got to live my life for me
it's not right for you but it's right for me.

it's times like these you learn to love again.

so there's actually a semi funny story about the first time i talked to veronica. almost 2 years ago i was talking to sunshine on msn; back in the days when msn was cool. they were in maui and i was missing him and sofa king. so then he starts talking differently and telling me her name is victoria. and she starts going on about slutty things and i was laughing so hard and then she tells me her real name is veronica and that she was just saying victoria because it was more stripperish and scandalous like victoria's secret and i just couldn't help but laugh. she added me on her own msn and we talked from there. she was a really nice girl and i'm glad i got to get to know her a little bit. thanks for impacting my life.

immortality.

there's this girl and her name is veronica. i never met her but i talked to her and she was good friends with two people very important to me. just over a year ago, she died in a tragic car accident and every once in awhile i look at her facebook page just to remind myself how lucky i am. i remind myself to be thankful for the people i have had, have and will have in my life. i remind myself to be thankful for everything i have. and i remind myself to not take things for granted. i remind myself that it can happen to any one of us, at any time, without any warning. it's crazy how many lives a person can touch and not even know it.

416

dear people above me,
what the fuck are you doing that makes so much noise alllllll the time? do you like stop around in your high heels for fun? do you bang your glasses on the counter? do you accidentally run into the walls? or is the sex just really that good that you make that much noise at all hours?
sincerely,
b.

i still got a lot of leaving left to do.

i want to see it all. i don't want to miss anything. and i must promise myself right here, right now that i will never not do something my heart desires because of a boy.

take me there.

and i'm not as scared as i usually am.

let it go, see what tomorrow brings.

i also don't know when i turned into one of these girls. i'm glad i can still respect that his family should see him first. however, i'm wondering when i turned into the girl who's like counting the days until i see him. i don't have anything against them but it's just not me. i just really miss him and i guess i'm used to being able to drive 2 minutes to his house and crawl in his bed to wake him up and start the day. i don't know why but he makes me different. and i can't explain it and i just don't know what happened to me.

here.

i think it's really good that we have gotten to this point. i mean i am terrified of it; trying not to be. the compromise thing, the saying sweet things, the feeling the way i do, it feels good. i like where we are; here.

can you feel this?

he also told me last night that he was really glad i understood other perspectives. as much as i want to see him, it's been less than two weeks (it will be 2 and a half) since i've seen him and it's been much longer since he's seen his momma and daddy. and i told him i can wait one extra day because i can only imagine how much they miss him. and he was like thank you. thank you for understanding that they miss me instead of being mad and starting a fight about the fact i should see you first. and to me, like yeah as much as i miss him when he's gone, i miss my family too so i know what that's like. i mean if i could see him for even two minutes before he goes home, i would not complain at all but if i have to wait until the next morning, i'll be perfectly fine. he already told me that the day after he gets home, he's alllll mine; well i actually told him i was stealing him that day and he didn't object.

what a beautiful day.

we have reach the point where he may have accepted cute; finally. and we have just been talking like we used to and it's really nice. i really enjoy the fact that i can just talk to someone about anything again. i am really ready for him to come home now though. it's been long enough if you ask me. like the other night he asked me if i'd be home for new years and i asked why and he's like well i don't want to get my hopes up if you're not going to be home. and he doesn't say sweet things like that so it was just really nice to hear.

counting the ways to where you are.

i feel kinda of selfish. and i told him that last night. i was like i think you should stop at my house before you go home on tuesday. i know it's selfish but i just really want to see you. and he was like haha aww you're so cute.

so much for not drinking.

so last night was tsank's birthday and i wasn't feeling great but thought i'd go for a short while.. so went to the bowling alley, bowled a free game (i learned a lot last night) and then was thinking we'd go for a drink at chillli's and go home. however a turned into too many and i was actually quite intoxicated. it's been like over a week and a half, which is quite a long time for me. and then i woke up so late this morning and felt so bad and it's now three o clock and i should be studying.

i don't want you to feel any obligation towards me.

i'd rather you be mean than love and lie.
i'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye.
i'd rather take a blow at least then i would know;
but baby, don't you break my heart slow.

through my eyes.

i also told him about a boy who has been hitting on me so brutally lately. and he uses like the funniest lines and he asked if i thought he was hot. and well i don't really find him attractive, but i didn't want to be mean at all so i didn't really know how to answer. and my writing minded self, came up with uhhhhhhh. so he sends me this picture of him in the mirror trying to show off his 'abs'. baha and by abs i mean ribs. and i actually like burst out laughing. now i know how mean that is, but i couldn't help it. i mean he has a lot to compare to. number twelve is like one of the most ripped boys i've ever actually known and he just is a lot for any other boy to compare to.

honestly he just makes my days.

last night i said i wanted him to come home because it is so effing cold and i hate having to go home alone and this morning i woke up to,
"aww i completely agree; i miss you!"