it's all worth it, right?

i've seriously done about 6 hours of homework today and i'm finalllyyy going to start writing my flipping essay. i hate finding sources. i am so ready for school to be over. once i finish this paper, i only have one more. one more paper. and an in-class final essay. and two multiple choice exams. and one essay exam. it's tuesday right? 4 weeks today and i am finished. you can do it. focus.

i'll be twenty-three.

do you ever feel like you've lost yourself? or like you've forgotten the person you used to be? i won't say that i don't like the person i've become and some of the changes i've made. but i sometimes miss the girl i used to be. i feel like i've lost the thing that spoke to my soul. and i need to find that place again, the place where i felt most me. in a way, i'm really excited for school to be over soon. not just because the school work will end, and i'll have a job again that i love. but because i'll have four months to immerse myself in my roots. four months to remember the things that are important to me. at the same time i'm scared, i don't want to fall back into his rut. but i need to be the liberated form of the girl i used to be. because i miss her, and i miss the things that inspired her. the things that made her believe.

don't give away the end.

i won't always live in my regrets.

no one else will know that part of me.

you'll sit alone forever;
if you wait for the right time.
what are you hoping for?

you always did.

"she's a part of my history that came before you.
and i've been lying to myself about the way i feel about her. "

i guess his heart'll be flawed forever.

until you tell her how you feel, you're heart's gonna be flawed.

look me in the eyes, tell me i'm wrong.

you don't have to believe it, any of it.
but it's the truth.

i never thought i'd feel this way.

i feel like i'm a million miles away from myself,
more and more these days.
i've been down so many open roads but they never lead me home.
and now i don't really know who i am.
how it's gonna be, is there something i can't see?

and now i just don't know who i really am.

maybe i will never be who i was before;
maybe i don't know her anymore.
or maybe who i am today, ain't so far from yesterday.
can i find a way to be, every part of me.

still know every word by heart.

don't know if it was you or me, different roads or different dreams.
all i know is someone said goodbye.
maybe we weren't ready yet, to let go of our innocence.
i guess we'll never know the reason why.

broken hearts, tears and mistakes all vanish like a summer rain.
and when i close my eyes, i see your face.

benito mussolini.

please go die history. i hate finding sources for you.

progress.

poli-essay, check.
history essay, time to begin.
acad essay draft, hopefully tomorrow.

since when is there school on easter monday?

does anybody else hate sourcing? i hate finding sources so much. it's so time consuming and it seems like each time i write an essay, it has to be sourced in a different way. it's really a pain in my ass.

confident, not cocky.

i think i just killed that poli-sci essay.

lame much?

i just realized that the fact that i think german politics are interesting makes me a very lame person. i mean really, who actually spends this much time on school.

Germany.

Germany is really a different place. today i learned that although there are mixed systems, for the most part countries use either single member plurality electoral systems or mixed member (majoritarian) electoral systems. Germany, uses a bit of both. interesting hey?

when somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe it.

back then i swore i was gonna marry him, someday.
but i realized some bigger dreams of mine.

when all you wanted was to be wanted.

wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now.

caterpillars and butterflies.

you know, it's funny how much you can change in a few short years. in a few months if i'm really honest with myself. thinking back to the person i was when i started high school, the person i was when i finished high school, and the person i am now. i don't even recognize that girl. i miss parts of myself; yet in other ways, i'm so proud of some things i've changed. it's funny you know, how you become the person you are. the way people change; if they can really change.

ah

"i look back at my younger self with horror. on the other hand,
at least he (she) had enough sense to change into me."

grey's anatomy.

life is better than death, until it isn't anymore.
what do you think of doctor-assisted suicide?

essays.

here's to a day of essays.

final four.

no you purdon't. haha clever little saying against purdue don't you think?? haha duke beat them friday, i felt kind of bad because i wasn't very social during supper. it's march madness though, i feel like the sweet sixteen and elite eight allow for me to pay attention to the tv. momma knew it was important to c and i because she let us watch it during supper... in my family, we never watch tv during supper. then today duke played baylor and won. let's go boys. final four includes duke, west virginia, butler and michigan state. i predict butler and duke in the final(preferably). anyways i'm happy my boys won. goodnight.

wednesdays.

sofaking's birthday was wednesday and i went to rd for it and had a lovely time minus sunshine. in all honesty, he knows how to ruin a perfect day. it was fun though anyways because i've learned to ignore him. mostly i hate that he can still control and play with my emotions the way he can. lucky big brother made me a deal to be nice. anyways it was fun only sofa king frustrates the hell out of me. surprise surprise. and his momma is soooo nice. it's been a long week and i really don't have time to blog as much as i'd love to. homework is key right now.

i'll never love again.

you say you've turned it off, hid your heart up on a shelf.
scared of what it might cost to take it down for someone else.
'cause loving him you lost too much of yourself.

you love me, you like her.

it was awesome but we lost it;
it's not possible for me not to care.