love is just love.

You know, I talk about marrying a rich man who can provide me with the forty thousand dollar engagement ring and I can live a high class life that is high profile and extravagant. But I think if I found a man that made me feel special every single day and he loved everything about me, I'd be okay. I'd be okay if I had to wear my Claddaugh ring as my wedding ring for the rest of my life as long as I had a good marriage; as long we love with a love that is more than love.

Always torn.

You know what's really weird? I feel okay. I mean I feel great. I'm okay. I am happy. I don't feel broken. I thought it would have been a phase, you know, like all the other times. I feel great. I'm happy. I'm nervous because I have a lot of really big changes all at once going on right now but I feel pretty good about life. I am excited for the new year. I sure hope 2014 is better than 2013. It's weird though. With 2013 I had a lot of terrible things happen, I lost a lot of people I loved and have faced some tribulations that are extremely tough. At the same time, I've become close with some of the most wonderful people. I've built some incredible friendships. I've had FUN which is saying something for me. I am proud of myself for how far I've come this year.
I mean at the beginning of this year, even three or four months ago, I would've said I'm going to get back with number twelve eventually. Now, I'm not so sure. I love him and I know that I always will. This time, I can say that I really do expect a lot more if we were ever going to be together again. I deserve more and so does he. We would both have to really put an incredible amount of effort in and we would have to be kinder to one another and commit. That's probably the hardest part for both of us: commitment.
I am not set on it though. I'm open to meeting new people and building new relationships. I haven't felt like this in six years. That's an incredible amount of time. I am actually just really happy right now. A piece of me is afraid for him to be home at Christmas. A tiny part of me hopes to see him out and about so that I know if I'm really over it or if it's just easy because I haven't seen or spoke to him. Another part of me prays I don't see him in the case that I can't handle it and I fall apart again.
I feel good and strong and happy. And I want to stay that way. I choose to stay that way.

Too pretty for your own good.

I'm honestly so embarrassing. I don't get giddy or nervous about boys like ever. Tonight BH came into Mox and literally like 30 seconds after he got there R is like B, BH is here for a Christmas Party and I was like is he wearing a suit and he's like yep he looks good. Then I saw him and I'm like drooling and I go to one of my tables and AD and TT literally stood at the wine tree and waited to tell me he was there. He went to the bathroom and as he walked up the stairs I was staring at him (OBVIOUSLY) and I literally walked into the fireplace. Like how embarrassing is that. Then I walk into the kitchen and KG is like your boyfriend is here. And I was like I KNOW I JUST WALKED INTO THE FUCKING FIREPLACE.
All in all everyone had a good laugh about it. But actually, why is he so beautiful.